Self-Sabotage Solution
Posted on September 12, 2016 by Dennis Tyrrell, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.
Six Steps to Eliminating Self-Sabotage
Help, I’m STUCK!!
Self-Sabotage Solution: 6 Steps to Eliminating SELF-SABOTAGE
How often have you heard the following?? “You’ll never be able to accomplish that”, “That’s way too difficult”, “Nobody loves you”, “You’ll always be alone”, “You’ll never be happy”, “You’re not worthy of success”, “You’re too fat”, “You’re stupid”; etcetera, etcetera, etcetera… The truth of the matter is; these are statements that we hear every single day. Now, you’re probably thinking to yourself, “I would never allow anyone to speak to me this way”, and the fact is, you shouldn’t. So, who is this cruel, tyrannical person killing your self-esteem?? The tyrannical person with malicious intent is YOU!! This monster lives within all of us…
Negative Self-Talk
The reality is; we all engage in some form of negative self-talk every day. We make jokes about ourselves, call ourselves names, order ourselves around, punish ourselves, and find numerous others forms of self-deprecation to inflict upon ourselves. While much of this negative self-talk is seemingly benign in nature, it’s important to recognize just how insidious negative self-talk can be in our lives. Negative self-talk creeps into our thoughts, strengthens the negative message we send our self, destroys our self-esteem, and ultimately keep us from having what we want most in life…
The telltale signs that you are sabotaging yourself is when you never start something you want, or what you have started comes to a grinding halt for no apparent reason. You have the desire and abilities to accomplish your goal, but something is keeping you from moving forward. This is the cycle of self-sabotage at work…
Self-Sabotaging Behaviors
There are 5 common themes in self-sabotaging behavior. See if you recognize any of these in yourself…
1. PROCRASTINATION
Knowing you should be working on something, but finding every reason in the book not to.
Starting projects and never finishing them.
Feeling unmotivated or unable to progress even when exciting opportunities await you.
2. UNFULFILLED DREAMS
Dreaming of doing something, but never doing anything about it.
Thinking, “If only…”.
“Should’ve, Would’ve, Could’ve type thinking.
3. WORRY
Fear of what others will think about you.
Giving thoughts that really shouldn’t matter a platform in your mind.
Fear of failure or the fear of “what’s next”.
Doubting your own capabilities.
Feeling stressed out, anxious, or a sense of impending doom when trying to achieve something important to you.
4. FEELINGS OF WORTHLESSNESS
Taking unfair criticism to heart.
Minimizing your accomplishments while exaggerating the accomplishments of others.
Putting yourself down and allowing others to do the same.
Feeling unworthy of success.
5. ANGER
Communicating aggressively with self or others because of our own shortcomings.
Resentment towards others we perceive as successful.
Criticizing and punishing ourselves for not being perfect.
Comparing ourselves to others
While the reasons for negative self-talk and self-sabotage are more complex in nature and require a deeper level of understanding of oneself, the results are evident in our daily lives. Quite simply, we create situations that we have no way out of. No matter what we do, we’ll fail… In other words, you’re STUCK!
Help, I’m STUCK
Now that you have a basic understanding of how negative self-talk and self-sabotage impact your self-esteem, relationships, careers, and ultimately keep you from living the life you want to live; what do you do??
First, it’s extremely important to understand and recognize that if you’re feeling STUCK; this is your mind’s way of telling you to make a decision. Not which decision to make, but that a decision has to made one way or another. But which decision should you make? Especially when you’re in a situation with very few options or resources available…
Consider the following statements/situations:
• “I’ll never be happy until I leave this relationship, BUT, I’ll never be able to support myself on my own.”
• “I have to quit smoking, BUT, I don’t have the willpower to do it.”
• “I need to be successful in life, BUT, I’m not good enough to succeed.”
In each of the above scenarios one or both of the beliefs must be changed in order to move forward. Our subconscious minds often tell us to make decisions based on conflicting beliefs or assumptions. In other words, we create a belief system “trap”.
So what are we to do with these negative belief systems that are so deeply embedded in our minds? There are really only 3 possible choices to make when dealing with belief systems; spend years in therapy trying to figure out the “why’s” of your self-sabotage, stay STUCK, or dig a little deeper into your belief systems and apply the following 6 steps to controlling your inner critic and eliminating self-sabotage…
Introducing The Self-Sabotage Solution
Like many people, I was able to control my weight and look “fit & trim” until my early 30’s. But as I aged, I found that “life” just got in the way and my weight compounded with interest! The fact was, I became so engaged with the minor details of life I neglected my physical health. In fact, I “jokingly” adopted a metaphor for my physical health that would prove to have deadly consequences later on. The metaphor I used was, “my body is an amusement park”. Now, when I would say this metaphor around others, I would usually get a chuckle which further reinforced my thoughts that my body was an “amusement park”. The problems came in when I really applied this metaphor to my life… I was truly enjoying all of the “good” things life has to offer in the United States. I did everything to excess and there were truly no limits to what I would ingest. With a sedentary career & lifestyle, chronic stress, and a “healthy” western diet, I found myself weighing a whopping 265 pounds with a 46” waist. Now, understand; on a good day (after stretching) I’m 5’6” tall. I’m not saying I’m short, but certainly not tall enough to carry that kind of weight or support a 46” waistline. Truth be told, I was miserable. I was embarrassed by my appearance, looked and felt unhealthy, and truly hated being me. My life of excess and treating my body as an “amusement park” had finally caught up with me. Much of my misery came from knowing I needed to change my lifestyle, BUT, believing it was too late and I was too far gone. I would NEVER be able to get my weight back down to a healthy level without taking drastic measures that I wasn’t willing to or able to make. I knew that many of my health problems, self-esteem issues, and weight related issues would be resolved if I could just lose the weight. But I was so overwhelmed with issues like; when to start, how to start, and where to start, along with all the negative self-talk I was engaging in…
So, what was the problem?? Yes; my lifestyle of excess, high caloric intake, sedentary lifestyle, and “my body is an amusement park” metaphor all played their part in my weight gain… Like most people that have been or are overweight, you understand that it’s not as simple as just “diet & exercise”. Diet plans work for a while and a little weight may come off. The problem, as we all know is keeping it off. Anyone that has lost a significant amount of weight and kept it off will tell you, “you have to make a lifestyle change”. Now, this is not intended to be weight loss advice in any way, shape, or form, but to illustrate the point of how I was sabotaging my weight loss efforts and ultimately my health by my own faulty belief systems. I’m an intelligent, educated, literate human being, that understands the power of Google. I researched everything and found that there were some very basic steps I could incorporate into my life immediately. I was excited!! I developed a plan for my lifestyle & dietary changes with manageable goals, I purchased the necessary food items & culinary equipment, and even invested in “workout gear”. Ready. Set… You know the rest of the story. I never went anywhere… I hadn’t addressed the real issue, which were the horrible, tyrannical things I was telling myself about myself. One day, I was particularly introspective. I noticed all these thoughts racing through my mind that were giving me a feeling of anxiety. I’m a “brain-stormer” by nature, so I actually took the time to get a pen & paper and set up to go through my process. I began to focus my attentions on my weight loss and health goals, then began writing thoughts such as, “you’ll never be able to lose that weight”, “you’re so fat it’ll take forever to lose all the weight”, “it’ll be a huge waste of time because I’ll fail anyway”, “what’s the point, I’ll never look as good as good as I once did”. You get the idea… Not exactly the “chatter” you want going on in your head when you’re trying to accomplish a goal! Until I learned and applied the 6 Steps in the Self-Sabotage Solution, I stayed STUCK…
ENDING Self Sabotage in 6 Steps
The reality is, we look at the goal or problem incorrectly. We look at things from the perspective of what we can’t do. We give in to our limiting belief systems too easily. We give up on our goals, desires, dreams, and ultimately ourselves. We try to be “content with what we have and where we are”. But the simple truth is this; deep down inside you’re in pain, you know there will be no “contentment” until you move forward…
I’ll walk you through the 6 Steps of the Self-Sabotage Solution with my weight loss example…
1. Become AWARE of the adversity & write it down:
I want to lose weight, but have been unsuccessful in the past. I’m frustrated, but I know I need to lose weight in order to be healthy.
2. IDENTIFY the Negative Belief & write it down:
“I can’t do it”, “It’ll take forever to lose all the weight”, “I’m not worthy of success”.
3. What are the CONSEQUENCES of this belief? Write it down:
Because of this belief, I… “don’t even try”, “don’t look at losing weight in creative ways”, “never meet my health goals”, “I always feel bad about myself”.
In what way(s) will your life be horrible because of your belief? How much pain does it cause you?
4. DISPUTE the Negative/Limiting Belief & write it down:
I began to understand that I was imagining a life of disgusting food and hours of my time being spent in the gym working out like a crazy person. The reality was, there were simple steps I could easily implement right away.
I can’t do it changed to: I can do it in small increments with achievable goals.
It’ll take forever turned into: the weight didn’t come on over night, it’s not going to come off overnight.
I’m not worthy of success turned into: I can be successful if I do it in a way that makes sense to me.
I finally realized that I didn’t have to deprive myself of delicious food or spend hours in the gym. I could still eat the foods I enjoyed, I just had to prepare them differently and consume less. I understood that my ultimate goal was not to lose weight, but to be healthy & free from the weight related limitations. I wanted to be happy again…
5. EXECUTE & IMPLEMENT:
I can exercise within the physical limitations created by years of abuse.
I can reduce the amount I eat.
I enjoy cooking, therefore, I’m willing to prepare foods differently.
I can make manageable & achievable weight loss goals.
6. RECORD the outcome or the NEW POSSIBILITIES available with EXECUTION
Living a healthy lifestyle IS within my reach.
I can lose 10 pounds at a time.
I lost 104 pounds.
I eliminated several prescribed medications which contributed to my unhealthy lifestyle.
I gained control of my self-sabotaging thoughts & behaviors and improved my overall health & wellness.
Results of Implementing the 6 Steps of the Self-Sabotage Solution
The biggest results of implementing these 5 Simple Steps are:
Learning to RECOGNIZE when you’re sabotaging yourself.
Learning to IDENTIFY & CORRECT self-sabotage.
IDENTIFYING the limiting belief system & the CONSEQUENCES of holding on to the belief system.
Learning to DISPUTE the belief system.
Learning to identify RESOURCES we do have to EXECUTE our goals.
After learning & implementing these 5 Simple Steps to End Self Sabotage, I was able to sort through the negative “chatter” inside my head that was keeping me STUCK. While my journey was not easy and was full of confronting my faulty beliefs, I made progress towards the goals I set for myself. My weight loss of 104 pounds did not happen overnight. In fact, it took almost a full 2 years and several return visits to the Self Sabotage Solution to reach my ultimate goal. Every time I reached a weight loss goal, I was energized to keep going. I was feeling healthier each step of the way as well as feeling better about myself. Every time I had to go down a pant size, I was further energized to keep going. I have now kept all but 10 of the 104 pounds off for 12 months. The bottom line is that I’m able to maintain my new healthy lifestyle because I learned to recognize and control my self-sabotage. By DISPUTING my faulty belief systems, I was able to accomplish my goal. Now, in my mid 40’s; I weigh less than I weighed when I was “healthy” in my late 20’s early 30’s, I’m healthier physically & emotionally than I’ve ever been, and most importantly, I’m HAPPY!!
Your Turn to Implement the 6 Steps of the Self-Sabotage Solution
Self-Sabotage Solution
WARNING: Do NOT proceed unless you are ready to MOVE FORWARD and Create the Life You Want to Live!!
1. Become AWARE of the ADVERSITY. Write it down:
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2. IDENTIFY the Negative Belief. Write it down:
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3. What are the CONSEQUENCES of holding on to this belief? Write it down:
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4. DISPUTE the Negative/Limiting Belief. Write it down:
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5. EXECUTE & IMPLEMENT (what’s your plan?) Write it down:
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6. RECORD the outcome or the NEW POSSIBILITIES available with EXECUTION:
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Still STUCK?
Don’t be so hard on yourself… Learning & implementing the Self-Sabotage Solution can bring up multiple issues deep with your subconscious. Thoughts, feelings, and emotions you may not have known existed prior to learning these 6 Steps. Or, perhaps these newly discovered issues created even more obstacles or pain for you to overcome. Often times these unhidden issues require deeper exploration with a Certified Coaching Professional guiding you through the process. You’re encouraged to contact us at www.tyrrellconsulting.com to schedule your individual or group coaching session with Tyrrell Coaching & Consulting Services. You’re only 1 decision away from Creating the Life You Want to Live…
*The Self-Sabotage Solution© is an excerpt of Tyrrell Coaching & Consulting Svc’s comprehensive Personal Improvement Program. For access to the complete Personal Improvement Program visit www.tyrrellconsulting.com or contact the author directly at dennis@tyrrellconsulting.com
