Are you self-sabotaging your love life?

Posted on August 17, 2016 by Jana Corinne, One of Thousands of Entrepreneurship Coaches on Noomii.

Each of us has rules and conditions that must be met in order for us to feel loved. These rules can stem from our own beliefs or from the influence of others–parents, friends, society, teachers, etc. We use these rules to create tests in our relationships. We “test” our partners from time to time, and some of us even test them on a daily basis.

If one person can’t pass the other person’s tests, then ultimately the relationship fails. So what if your rules are outdated? Or your conditions are impossible to meet?

How can you avoid setting your partner up for failure? How can you avoid self-sabotaging your love life?

You can begin by applying these two techniques: Identify & Reframe

1. Identify your personal tests

Identify your rules for a relationship. You can start by writing these down on a piece of paper.

For example, a rule might sound like this: I need to feel significant in my relationship.

Now identify your tests that you give to your partner and how often you test them. Be honest with yourself.

For example: a person might say “If he loves me, he will show his affection for me in public”, or “I’ll only settle for a guy who will love me at my worst”, or think “When she walks away in the middle of an argument, I know she doesn’t love me”.

Sometimes our tests aren’t based upon reality, but rather our set of rules. This is where the trouble sets in. For a simple example, If a person walks away in the middle of an argument, it may not mean “she doesn’t love me”, but rather, this is her way of cooling down and signaling that she needs space. Further, this may be her way of communicating that she cares so much about the relationship, that she does not want to use harsh words in an angered state and hurt her partner.

Can you see where the disconnect may be?

In this example, each person associates their own meaning to the act of walking away in the middle of an argument. On one hand, one person’s test has made them believe the other doesn’t love them, and on the other hand, the person walking away does so because they care about the relationship and love their partner.

The test “When she walks away in the middle of an argument, I know she doesn’t love me”, is not based upon reality but rather that person’s set of rules. Let’s move on to step 2 to take action towards correcting this disconnect.

2. Reframe your test

Remind yourself of the truth.

I once overheard a woman complain that she did not have her husband’s full attention in the car while they were driving. In the middle of her speaking to him, he would interrupt her and complain about the traffic or the car ahead who had slammed on their brakes. It irritated her so much because she felt he was not truly listening and therefore did not care about what she had to say.

Was this the truth?

Could it be that the man loved the woman so much that he wanted to keep her safe?

Women are amazing multi-taskers! Am I right? But men have a laser focus on a specific task and will follow it through to execution. They are also great protectors of their loved ones. Perhaps he was laser focused on the road, paying attention to all the dangers in the traffic in order to keep them both safe from a car accident.

This is reframing. Remind yourself of the truth of the situation.

When you are in a situation like the woman in the example above, you can reframe your test simply by asking yourself, “Is this the truth?”. Your heart will have the answer.