Whose Problem is it?
Posted on August 02, 2016 by Jeeva and Sulojana Sam, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Once you’re married, there is no such thing as HIS problem or HER problem, it’s always OUR problem.
“Pastor Jeeva, my husband is never home in the evenings. He doesn’t want to spend any time with me whatsoever. He’s out virtually every night with his friends playing pool or doing something else. I didn’t get married to stay home by myself while he’s out there having a good time with his buddies. Can you talk some sense into him, please?”
That’s how the young wife stated the problem as she and her husband sat across from me in my office.
I was relatively young in ministry and in marriage myself at the time. Frankly, I had no clue about how to “talk some sense into him”. But I did get a divine nudge to ask a question.
So I asked the wife rather innocently: “What do YOU do when you’re both home together in the evening?”
“Watch my favourite shows on TV.”
Then I asked him: “Why don’t you stay home and watch TV with her rather than being out with the boys?”
He smiled. “Because I can’t stand the shows she sits down to watch.”
As soon as he said those words, it was as though a light bulb went on in her head. She quickly recognized that the reason he was out of the house a lot had nothing to do with him not wanting to spend time with her. It was just that he did not want to spend his time with her watching the TV shows of her choice!
She realized that, even though it appeared to be entirely HIS problem, she was actively contributing to it herself.
“Oh, my God!” she said.Very appropriate expression, I might add…as that revelation certainly did not come from anyone else except the Almighty. Certainly not from the young pastor who heaved a sigh of relief as soon as it dawned on him that he did not have to “talk some sense into” her husband anymore :-)
It was at that point that I started to teach all couples in the process of marriage preparation a significant lesson. Put bluntly, here it is:|
“Once you’re married, there is no such thing as HIS problem or HER problem, it’s always OUR problem.”
Once you as a couple accept this as a fact, now a number of good things begin to happen.
You get away from blaming the other person entirely for the problem. The person being blamed almost always will get defensive at the least and offensive in language and behaviour at the worst. In other words, the conflict escalates considerably. Pretty well any hope of arriving at a resolution is snuffed out. These scenarios are avoided entirely when blaming does not happen.
Instead BOTH of you now have to ask yourself: “What did I do (or not do) to contribute to OUR problem?” Since this question can only be asked in a spirit of humility, it takes away any attitude of superiority one person might have over the other. You will be amazed how quickly eating humble pie produces hate loss and gains respect.
The next time you see a problem as being entirely the other person’s fault, you will resist the temptation to blame them right away. Instead you will ask yourself in humility: “What did I do (or not do) to contribute to this problem?”
Once you get the answer(s), you will start making the necessary changes yourself. In other words, you won’t even take the step of making an accusation. This way you also avoid all the unpleasant consequences altogether.
If you’re dealing with a problem that looks like it’s your soul mate’s sole responsibility, try this solution. Let me know how it works. You can simply post a comment below or send me a private message.
To learn how marriage mentorship can provide you with more solutions such as this to other problems couples encounter, please set up a FREE consultation with us at: www.meetme.so/JeevaSam.
