Moving In Together Won’t Always Be Easy

Posted on July 12, 2016 by Sarah Lou, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

You’ve decided to move in together and it’s probably both frightening and exciting. You deserve to be happy and to have fun together. But are you ever truly going to be ready to move in with someone?

In the end, probably not. Understanding that is a way for you to stay conscious and in control of your reality. Once you’re truly aware that things will not always go as planned when you’re moving in with your partner, you may find yourself more open and flexible and able to roll with this new life.

Because things are going so well now, you may not realize there are cohabitation curves in the road ahead. And when things get hard, there may be some situational depression and anxiety that comes with the changes. On the flip side, if you’re one that’s already prone to anxiety, or maybe even outright pessimism from the start, you may be already expecting too many challenges. This kind of negative expectation, or waiting for the other shoe to drop, will invariably cause a domino effect or may cause you to go looking for problems that don’t yet exist.

A blog post on Psychology Today says, “…it’s now clear that a person’s attitude toward the decision to cohabit has everything to do with their relationship’s success or failure.” They pulled together some interesting research on couples moving in together through the years, but the very simplified message was the difference between a happy couple and one who struggles will come down to their state of mind. Being fully aware of this, it’s quite possible that the both of you can stay in control of your thoughts and behaviors and have a more positive experience.

For many couples, the right state of mind can include such a wide variety of things that I suggest starting early on in coaching before you get too far along in the move so things go more smoothly during this big transition. As your coach I will listen to you and understand where you’re coming from. I’ll help you evaluate the issues and show you how to come together as a couple to resolve them or avoid having them altogether.

One thing research has found is that couples needed to first know their purpose for moving in. Often living together does not necessarily mean there’s a long-term commitment expected by one or both parties, and sometimes that’s not as clear to both of them. Quite often moving in with your girlfriend is financially motivated; meaning it would be really nice to share expenses since you’re always together anyway. Another common reason you find yourself moving in with your boyfriend is because dating is going well and you spend too much time commuting to see each other.

So evaluating your relationship and clear communication is essential for deciding if this new move is purely convenience or if it’s another step towards long-term commitment or marriage. You’ll both really need to understand where the other half is on this before moving in together.

It’s definitely going to be easier without kids involved, but if one or both of you have children you’ll need to move forward together as a new family, however that needs to be defined for everyone. As your coach I can help you come up with a few strategies to get everyone in your new family unit communicating and living together in harmony.

Also to note, as a couple moving in together, you will need to rely on your sense of humor together every day — the one you’ve always had, or the new one you’ll need to infuse into your every day situations. You don’t need to play hand puppets with his dirty socks, but you’ll need to be able to smile at the little quirks or uncomfortable things you encounter about life together. It may sound ridiculously simple, but if you can laugh at the sticky stuff, it doesn’t remain so sticky and it will make all the difference in your state of mind.

You’ll also want to go into this move knowing you’re both independent, autonomous humans with your own lives and need for down-time. You really may love spending every moment together now, and that’s fabulous! But humans invariably will need their “own space” in the future again. So find it early on and keep it up.

I’ve hit on a few touch points of moving in together, and there will be many more you’ll experience after the move. As your coach I can help you find solutions to problems as they arise instead of letting them fester and affect both your relationship and your mental health. It’s possible through coaching we’ll even be able to completely circumvent a lot of common problems couples have when moving in together.