Three Ways To Boost Your Self-Esteem

Posted on April 06, 2016 by Alessandro Carli, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

Take a sheet of paper and write down the names of 4-5 people that you really admire. They may be alive or part of our common history; people you know or that you’ve been following in some way; they can be a member of your family or an outstanding personality from your community: in other words, just about anybody.

Now, for each name, write down “why” you admire them so much, and you would perhaps even emulate them. Focus on these “why’s”, now, and you will see that these reasons somehow fit into one of the following three categories. More specifically:

1. it’s because they have achieved some outstanding things (built a multi-million dollar empire, were great rulers, became a popular show-biz star, etc.); basically, it’s about what they did or accomplished.

2. it’s because of some character traits that they possess and that refer to some values that are so important for you (determination, charisma, influence, patience, wisdom, etc.); so you focus on how they are and how they affect people.

3. it’s because of their ethics, for their uncompromising vision of life, and for wanting their fellow human beings to lead a better life (religious or spiritual people, those who fought and perhaps died for a cause/ideal, etc.); it’s about how they stand/stood for things they strongly believe in.

So now, guess what? As you admire the people you listed on your sheet of paper, you would admire yourself for the same exact things! And what would happen to your self-esteem if you did? Should I ask? So, why don’t you do it? As always, it’s not that simple (but it’s not that difficult either, as you’ll see in a moment).

The problem with self-esteem is that it functions as a spiral. The more it feeds on itself, the more it grows; the less it feeds on itself, because there’s little to feed on, the less it grows. So, if you have a low self-esteem issue, how can you engage a virtuous circle so that your self-esteem can strengthen virtually forever?

For one thing, it’s important that you understand what self-esteem is about. In archaic English, the word “esteem” means estimation, valuation. So, self-esteem is about making an estimate, a valuation about yourself, the same way you would estimate a house, a jewel or whatever. Many say that self-esteem is about loving yourself, but it’s just the opposite: you love yourself because you highly value yourself. In fact, you can’t love what you don’t value: think about it. Take an object that you have and that you “love”, that you would never detach yourself from. That’s because it has a high economical, emotional or spiritual value for you: that’s why you love it, not the other way around.

I know it sounds cynical, but it’s the same with people. We love people we associate great value to. As soon as they no longer have value for us, we just stop loving them. Self-esteem works exactly the same way: if you don’t value yourself, if you fail to grow a sense of worth about yourself, you’ll never be able to love yourself. So, how do you add value to yourself? By becoming aware that you can cause things to happen, and that you can make the difference because of that.

If you notice, people with a low self-esteem are not very proactive, they just wait for things to happen and react to them by blaming, complaining and whining about them. People with a high self-esteem are proactive, they know they can make things happen, and that is how their sense of worth increases. It’s basically a question of control, it always is. The more control you have on your life, meaning that you are the cause of the events happening to you and not just the effect, the more your self-esteem boosts.

So, how do you become the cause? Veeeeery gradually.
The good news about this is that you don’t have to go to the moon or become the leader of a country or turn yourself into a martyr to grow your self-esteem. Very small but, to some degree, challenging things are all you need to do. The bad news is that it takes just about the same effort to do small things as it takes to do major things: in both cases, you must break through your comfort zone. Ultimately this, and not what you do, is what makes the difference.

So, start operating on one (or all three, if you wish) of the three aspects we considered before.

1. Start working to achieve a goal that’s important for you. Not something big, but significant for you. It could be losing a few pounds, getting up an hour earlier in the morning to do some exercise or to read a book, write a poem or a short story… whatever! You’ll see that, although these are small things, you are going to find internal resistance. You are going to think: “Is it worth it?”, “Why bother for such a small thing? That’s not going to make me feel better!”, etc. DON’T listen to that thought. You WILL feel more in control precisely BECAUSE you didn’t listen to it and you followed through. YOU are now the cause, no longer your squeaky, obnoxious inner voice.

2. Read more and become more influential. Make your opinion “heavier” and share it with people. Don’t be afraid of your emotions, your feelings, your ideas, and expose them, becoming truer to yourself. Charisma is not a character trait: it’s something you grow into when you become more interested in other people. Start with the people you live with, your partner or your children, let them know who you are and listen to them more. It’s not as easy as it may seem, but again, it’s not supposed to be and breaking through your embarrassment and shyness is what you need to finally feel more in control and raise your sense of worth.

3. Changing the world and making it a better place to be in starts with standing up for what you “know” (not think) is right. The next time someone says something or does something that’s wrong (not because it’s wrong for you, but because it is harmful or manipulative at any level for others), tell him what you have to say, without judging, but firmly. If things happen in your community (or in the world) that are unfair and they deny a human being’s basic rights, take a stand, make your voice be heard, post something on Facebook or other social medias. Small things that make you think: “Hey, I’m not just a walking ghost on this planet: I can make the difference!”

You can choose to work on one, two, or all three aspects. What’s important is that you follow through, that you accept to become the cause of the events in your life, at whichever level, and that you can finally choose which direction you want to take. It’s an awesome feeling, but like all that is worthwhile having, it has a price. Don’t hesitate to pay that price: it will pay back hundreds of times.

And one last thing: stay humble. Growing, and a stronger self-esteem promotes your growth, is an ecstatic experience, but it can get to your head. Keep your feet on the ground, know that no matter how far you get, you’ll always still have a long way to go.
But this time, you’ll be able to truly enjoy it!