Why is everything always my fault?

Posted on January 06, 2016 by Sarah Kalil, One of Thousands of Entrepreneurship Coaches on Noomii.

I have a bit of an obsessive personality. When I love something, I love it with my whole heart and I talk about it and think about it for weeks on end. I am (quite happily) addicted to my addictions. My current obsession is BBC’s Sherlock; thus, it has the honor of being featured here today, to demonstrate one of the core tenets of my work with my clients: responsibility.

Here is a transcript of a scene from His Last Vow. I’d love to just post a YouTube link, but alas, I can’t find one, so please bear with me. I promise it’s worth the read.

Context: Dr. John Watson has just discovered that his wife is not who he thought she was. Watson is, understandably, somewhat upset. Sherlock, John and Mary have just returned to Sherlock’s flat. Mrs. Hudson has come out to greet them.

MRS. HUDSON
What is going on?

JOHN
Bloody good question.

SHERLOCK:
The Watsons are about to have a domestic, and fairly quickly I hope, because we’ve got work to do.

JOHN:
No, I’ve got a better question.
Is everyone I’ve ever met a pyschopath?

SHERLOCK:
Yes. Good, we’ve settled that. Now -

JOHN:
SHUT UP! And stay shut up! Because this is not funny. Not this time.

SHERLOCK:
I didn’t say it was funny.

JOHN:
(Rounding on Mary) You. What have I ever done? My whole life? To deserve this?

It’s really easy to relate to John to this moment. You’ve probably had an experience like this before – your partner lies to you, you don’t get the funding you were promised, you stub your toe (the single most annoying thing in world). And maybe – on occasion – you’ve thought, asked or perhaps screamed at anyone who had the misfortune of being near you at that time, “What have I ever done to deserve this?”

Now, anyone with any modicum of social grace knows that we mean for this to be a rhetorical question. And if we do get an answer, the answer should be “nothing. You did nothing to deserve this.” In these moments, we want to be blameless.

Unfortunately for Watson, social grace isn’t really Sherlock’s shtick.

JOHN:
(Rounding on Mary) You. What have I ever done? My whole life? To deserve this?

SHERLOCK:
Everything.

JOHN:
Sherlock, I told you. Shut up.

SHERLOCK:
No, I mean it, seriously. Everything you’ve ever done is what you did.

JOHN:
Sherlock, one more word and you will not need morphine.

SHERLOCK:
You were a doctor who went to war. You are a man who couldn’t stay in the suburbs
for more than a month without storming a crack den and beating up a junkie. Your best friend
is a sociopath who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high. That’s me by the way, hello.
Even the landlady used to run a drug cartel.

MRS. HUDSON
It was my husband’s cartel. I was just typing.

SHERLOCK
And exotic dancing.

MRS. HUDSON
Sherlock Holmes, if you’ve been YouTubing -

SHERLOCK:
John, you are addicted to certain lifestyle. You’re abnormally attracted to dangerous situations
and people, so, is it truly such a surprise that the woman you’ve fallen in love with conforms to that pattern?

JOHN:
But she wasn’t supposed to be like that. Why is she like that?

SHERLOCK:
Because. You chose her.

JOHN:
(Long pause). Why is everything…always…MY FAULT?

Aw, Sherlock. He’s kind of an ass sometimes. But…he hit the nail right on the head. I’m not saying John deserves to be lied to, but everything in John’s life indicates a pattern of being addicted to dangerous people and situations. He chose the woman who fit that pattern. And then had a fit when it was pointed out to him.

And who can blame him? Is there anything more annoying than being asked to take responsibility for all aspects your life?

(Yes. Stubbing your toe.)

Ok, but other than that? Seriously, sometimes it’s really comfortable to just let the things that happen be other people’s fault. But it’s also a pretty powerless way to live. If everything happens to you, then there’s nothing you can do about it. You’re a victim to everyone and everything.

So, my friends, your mission (should you choose to accept it) is to make everything in your life your fault. Not fault like blame or self-hate or something you did wrong. Fault as in “you are the source.”

Here: three actions you can take on to be the source of your life.

1. Notice where you blame others or circumstances for the way your life is.
2. Stop doing that.
3. Go create what you want instead.

You can also schedule a call with me. I’m mostly cool.

xoxo

Sarah