Sometimes, Being “Nice” isn’t Nice at All
Posted on December 30, 2015 by Cheryl Coffey, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Learn the value of "speaking up".
We’ve been taught to be nice. We’ve been told, “Unless you’ve got something good to say, don’t say anything at all.”
Is this really the best advice? What are your relationships like when you follow this advice? Do you feel close and connected or distant and alone?
Sometimes, being “nice” isn’t nice at all. It can actually be deceitful, judgmental, controlling, and even cowardly. These are strong words, but think about it. When we have issues or concerns that affect another person, but aren’t honest about those feelings or don’t share what we think, we’re keeping them in the dark. When we withhold information we don’t give the other person a chance to respond. We are taking away their choice. We are controlling the relationship rather than allowing it to be open and collaborative.
If we don’t speak up about a problem or concern we’re not giving the other person the opportunity to share their point of view, share more information or even apologize. We’re just assuming we’re right or we’re assuming we know the best way to handle the situation. But, what if there’s something we’re missing, something we’re not aware of?
I’ve learned that most people are afraid of conflict, so avoid speaking their mind. I’d like them to know that conflict doesn’t have to end badly. There is an alternative. Having difficult conversations can actually lead to closer, deeper relationships.
So, next time you find yourself following that old advice to be “nice”, ask yourself what would create more clarity and understanding? What would ultimately strengthen the relationship and bring you closer?
Relationships are messy and we don’t actually want to have a close relationship with everyone in our lives, but when we do, when a relationship really matters and you’re committed to truly knowing and accepting each other, take the plunge, and move beyond “nice”.
