Why be vulnerable?

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Tammy Holzer, One of Thousands of Entrepreneurship Coaches on Noomii.

“Vulnerable people are powerful people. Opening your heart and sharing it means you’re going to get so much love in your life. and it’s the way to true connection and real purpose and meaning in your life, in my opinion.” ~Amy Poehler

What does it mean to be vulnerable? Is vulnerability considered weakness?

I like Brene’ Brown’s definition of vulnerability. She says that "vulnerability means to show up and be seen.” The real you. In order to be vulnerable, it requires the willingness to be your authentic self and risk being hurt or rejected by someone.

Why take the risk of being rejected? Not allowing yourself to vulnerable can affect your life and your work in many different ways. If you are feeling lonely, stuck or disconnected in your life, perhaps it’s because your not deeply connected with those around you. Taking a risk and showing your vulnerable side will draw the right people closer to you.

What are some of the common fears that hold us back from being vulnerable with others?

You’re afraid of being rejected. Being rejected at our core is really painful. Maybe you grew up in an environment where to be “you” wasn’t safe, and you learned to hide yourself and your feelings. Or maybe you really opened up to someone and they judged you, or rejected you. Or perhaps you were raised in an environment where parents or caregivers were emotionally unavailable. You didn’t learn the world was a safe place. You didn’t have someone to validate you, to feel seen, heard and loved. Vulnerability was a scary place. You had to be tough to survive.

You’re afraid of being perceived as “weak.” After all, isn’t vulnerability a display of weakness? On the contrary. The best leaders are vulnerable, and the greatest strength you can have is to be vulnerable with another human being. It takes strength and courage to express yourself – your true self. If it were easy, wouldn’t we all be doing it?

You’re afraid of intimacy. You chose partners or situations where you felt you could save, fix or rescue (unconsciously, so the focus could be on them, not you). When you choose people who need your help, you don’t have to expose yourself. After all, that person is truly flawed and needs your help, right? It makes it safe for you in the relationship. You doesn’t have to show up or be vulnerable.

Without vulnerability we cannot have close, meaningful relationships with ourselves and others. We cannot truly love and be loved, be seen, be heard, be valued. If people can’t connect to you, if you’re not letting them see the real you, how could they be close to you?

Want to practice vulnerability? Learning to be vulnerable takes practice and patience, and starts with baby steps. It’s going to take stepping outside your comfort zone, but it’s worth it. Here are a few ways to increase your vulnerability in every day life:

1) Take the first step and be willing. Set the intention. Decide you’d like deeper connections in your life. Envision what it would be like to lower your guard and be yourself, and not care what anyone thinks. Visualize feeling safe and protected.

2) Practice simple vulnerability with a stranger. Are you the type to never ask for help? Me too – sometimes I hate to admit I can’t do everything myself. A simple exercise to improve this is to ask for help in a store. Go to Staples and ask the first person you see where the paperclips are. This small act of receiving help is a step toward vulnerability. It also allows you to give someone else the gift of giving (help) – and you the gift of receiving. It’s a small gesture that creates ripples in the rest of your life.

3) Look someone in the eye. For at least 5 seconds, make eye contact when you’re speaking. Let them connect with you. See what it’s like to connect with them.

4) Share how you are feeling with a friend or someone close to you. First of all, take a moment to check in with yourself to notice how you’re feeling. Having trouble naming your feelings? Feel free to use this list of adjectives.

When expressing your feelings, it’s important to keep the focus on yourself using “I feel” statements, rather than “you make me feel…..”).

Ask someone to practice with you – you each take turns answering the following question(s):

NOTE: Another Brene’ Brown quote that I love, is to “share your story with those who have earned it.” In building a new skill, it’s important that you learn in a trusting and non-judgmental environment. Anyone who is not accepting and supportive of you does not deserve to be in this safe space.

5) Practice loving and accepting yourself – your whole self. Close relationships start with you and the relationship you have with yourself. Do you love yourself? Do you like yourself? Why or why not?

6) Create a strong support system. There are many support groups where you can be yourself and practicing being vulnerable. Look for those where you can gain support, positive reinforcement, and help heal the parts that were damaged by being rejected in the past. A good therapist and/or coach can also serve as a trusted advisor, and provide a safe, nonjudgmental environment for your growth.

Take a risk. Be strong and vulnerable. The world is waiting for your heart to shine.