What's loneliness got to do with it?

Posted on December 29, 2015 by Tammy Holzer, One of Thousands of Entrepreneurship Coaches on Noomii.

Loneliness is an epidemic.

How many people are silently battling loneliness? I sense that it’s a lot, but it’s something that we’re not really talking about. We are more connected though technology, but lonelier than ever. We cover it up with busyness, addictions, distractions. Perhaps we see posts on Facebook about how our friends and family members are having so much fun and how life is so great (yeah right) and feel lonely. That our lives are not measuring up. Why is loneliness so pervasive in our society today? And what can we do about it?

I recently went to an intense “connecting” weekend retreat. At the beginning of the first day, everyone was asked to give a two minute introduction of why they were there. The first person to speak said that although he lived in one of the busiest, populated, exciting cities of the world (NYC), he was overwhelmed with loneliness. Something shot through my whole body when he said the word “loneliness.” One by one, people got up and echoed this same theme of loneliness. When each person said the word “loneliness” I felt it very intensely from them, and I felt it in my own soul.

I believe we are looking to be…

Seen. Accepted. Authentic. Our True Selves. Connected. Validated. Valued. Appreciated.

And above all else…Loved.

So if you’re experiencing loneliness, what can you do?

1. Acknowledge how you feel, in this moment

Tune into yourself and listen for how you feel. Do you feel happy, sad, angry, tired, bored, lonely? Knowing how you feel and paying attention to it is the first step to connecting with others. Connect with yourself FIRST.

2. Find things that you love to do

It doesn’t matter what it is. It can be underwater basket weaving – it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t have to produce any result. It does need to tap into your authentic self. It doesn’t matter if it has anything to do with your career. It’s okay if it does, but try not to let your mind tell you if it’s “right” or “wrong.” The point is to tap into that feeling of doing something you LOVE. That spark. That excitement. Do you remember what that feels like?

3. Diversify – don’t expect one person to meet all your needs

This is a common pitfall – thinking that if you are with the love of your life, that person would meet all of your needs and you wouldn’t be lonely anymore. Or perhaps you’re single and you throw all of yourself into raising your child/children and expect them to meet your loneliness needs. I’ve got news for you – that’s a big responsibility for one person to handle, and it puts you in a position of depending on one person for your happiness (and gives them a tremendous burden). That’s just bad business. Operating this way sets you and that person up for codependence. No one person can meet anyone’s needs – it’s up to us to meet them for ourselves, and then be a whole partner. Find friends to meet various needs – connect with your underwater basket weaving friends to share in your creative needs, connect with your cooking friends to share your love of food, connect with your music friends to experience the power of live shows together. Then connect with your spouse/significant other as a whole person.

4. Learn how you show up in the world

Are you aware of how others perceive you? When you meet someone new, are you outgoing or reserved? Do you have a strong presence or do you fade into the background? Knowing how you show up is a big part of connecting with others. If you have a giant wall making it difficult for people to connect to you – no matter how hard you want to connect, it’s going to be difficult.

We all have a smoke screen, the key is to be aware of it and learn to either a) drop our guard when appropriate, and/or b) communicate on a deeper level. For example, I know I can come across as guarded, and people often mistake this for being aloof. What’s really going on for me underneath is that I’m extremely sensitive, particularly to other people’s energy – I tend to absorb it – so I have a layer of protection around me at all times. I don’t want to be drained, and I’m afraid of critcism and judgement. So when meeting new people I have learned to be aware of my “guard” and ease it down, or intentionally share more about myself when appropriate – or voicing my discomfort in a situation. The practice of being open and communicating authentically invites people in, and gives us all the opportunity to connect deeper.

5. Practice being vulnerable and taking a risk

In order to really feel connected, we must be vulnerable. Surface, shallow relationships are not going to solve loneliness. We need to trust appropriate people with our feelings, but not be afraid to show them, or talk about them. Find ways and people to be vulnerable with – these are the deepest connections of all.

6. Work with a coach, therapist or mentor

Find a professional, trusted adviser, who you feel safe with and can see the real you. Work with this person to uncover any fears associated with putting yourself out there. Someone that will be totally supportive of you, but will also be able to call you out (in a good way). Work with this person to establish goals for yourself, and help hold you accountable.

7. Find group support

I’m an introvert. As an introvert, going into a group setting and meeting new people is as appealing as getting a root canal. However, this is the most vital piece for introverts as we tend to isolate, and perpetuate the loneliness factor.

For introverts and extroverts, finding supportive groups where you practice being real and vulnerable is a great way to not only connect with others, but practice intimacy and vulnerability in a safe environment. There are a number of support groups available – find one that suits where you are emotionally. For example, if you’re going through a divorce, a divorce therapy group; church groups, Meetup groups specifically for healing and/or connecting and any of your interests.

In other words, to overcome loneliness you’ll need to be your full authentic self, take a risk and go find your people. Find others like you, that dig your sh*t, have the capacity for close relationships, and “get” you. It only takes a few. And they’re out there, waiting for you to show up as “you” to overcome their own loneliness.