Would You Ever Stay in an Abusive Relationship for Money?
Posted on December 17, 2015 by Frederica Peterson, One of Thousands of Executive Coaches on Noomii.
Strong question that requires some consideration as countless professionals face this challenge in the workplace.
Would you ever stay in an abusive relationship for money? Strong words to consider though the many times I have asked this question the response almost always leads to interpretation around domestic violence, which is still relevant in perspective. However, I have posed this question mainly in a professional development workshop to people who are mainly in the workforce. So, in that context, I want you to consider this question again, ”Would you ever stay in an abusive relationship for money?” As I challenge you to answer this question, lets explore how I was led to even consider initiating such a penetrating discussion.
One day as I was reflecting on my journey and all the peaks and valleys I traveled through to get me where I am today, I had a revelation about what had truly been holding me back from birthing my potential all these years. On that day I realized I had allowed others to define who I was by the titles, limitations and assumptions they placed on me. I found that not only had I taken on the identity, that was so readily imposed upon me for others convenience, I was also accepting their language toward me which was often disrespectful and inappropriate. I was allowing myself to do things that were outside the scope of my personal value system and at times my personal boundaries but all the while convincing myself, “this is what you need to do, to be…” or, “to have…” or, “to accomplish…” or, “TO BE ACCEPTED.”
I was blinded by the reality of what was really taking place. I was adapting to the truth of my situation all the while convincing myself it was normal because everyone around me was contently working and often thriving in this environment. I viewed my discontent as not being able to “measure up” to some “standard”. The subliminal messages I heard were, “if I wasn’t able to cope with everything I was weak, less than, not enough.” I accepted this to be true even though it was not the TRUTH. Why, because I needed the paycheck.
Until one day when I realized I had a choice. No one was holding a gun to my head; the decision to stay was completely up to me. The only choice, really, was giving up the money or in other words, the ability to pay my mortgage, car note, etc. To live in the way I was accustomed after all these years. Money, the root… I can’t blame any of the people around me for what I was enduring, they were doing what was necessary for their definition of success, I was the one who had let my boundaries down, and compromised my values. People will only do to you what you allow them to. It was a compromise I chose for the money.
What it really came down to was that I did not believe in myself enough to make the right choices for me. So what changed? I realized that I either choose me or I may not wake up to see another day. So I started taking steps forward to make right choices for myself and as I did that the things in my life began to change and the resources and people that I needed to make a transition began to enter my life. As my focus and energy evolved so did my life, the transformation process is just that. I liken it to the changing of seasons, because it literally is.
So where are you on your journey? Being held captive in someone else’s truth about you, or making choices that honor you?
I wouldn’t give up any of the experiences I went through for anything! I learned a great deal about myself and about people in general. It gave me my voice! A loud booming voice! Sometimes you have to go through some things to shape you into the person you need to be to fulfill your destiny. Every diamond must go through a refining process that can be quite intense but the end product is what everyone remembers.
