How to have a mutually validating conversation with anyone

Posted on November 13, 2015 by Bill Conley, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.

How to have a mutually validating conversation with anyone
How difficult is it for you to talk about a subject with a love one, your boss, co-worker, friend, business associate, relative, son or daughter?
How many times have we regretted the things you said and in your Monday morning quarterback session (in our head) realized that what we said and how you said it did not work out so well?
We find ourselves questioning “how could I have approached that subject better to get a better result?”
How many times have we flown off the handle, raised our voice, yelled, intimidated those we were speaking to, discounted what they had to say in order for our voice to be heard?
How many times have we had a conversation and I will loosely call it that, that was more an argument than a discussion, more a fight, than a window into how something else thinks, feels or believes?
How many times did we feel a need to be right? To win the argument? To prove that we were superior in some way?
How is that working for you?
There is a way to have a difficult conversation or for that matter, any conversation where each party does not come out feeling bruised, battered and where their ego is left in tack.
If there was a way to have a conversation where at the end, you both felt like you were heard, what you had to say mattered and in the end you still felt as though that person cared about you, would you want to know how to do that?
The answer is not as difficult as you may think and actually with a little practice, can be used with great reward.
Here it is.
How to have a mutually validating conversation.
1) Let the other person know that you would like to discuss something with them and ask them when might be a good time to have a conversation. Don’t just jump, let them know that having this conversation is important.
2) See the other person as the same as you, not as better or worse, not above or below you, but as the same person as you. This may take a little getting use too, but I can assure you that if you see others as the same as you, they will respect you a little more.
3) Set your stuff (values, beliefs, opinions) totally aside and be prepared to listen. The opening of this conversation is important. You might even let the other person know that you are open to listen and you won’t offer up your opinion, get defensive or be critical of what they have to say. Let them know how important it is for them to be able to openly share how they feel about whatever it is you would like to talk about.
4) Ask them questions about whatever situation you would like to discuss with them. Don’t interrupt, don’t get defensive, and don’t judge, don’t be critical or compare or try to jump in, just listen and ask probing questions. Let them know you care enough to listen. By listening, they will feel as though you care and this will allow them to open up and talk.
5) Ask permission to give your opinion about the subject. You could say, “Would you be open to hearing what I think about (whatever subject you are talking about)? “Could I share with you my viewpoint on the subject”? “Would you be open to the possibility that I might have a different opinion on the matter?” Asking permission to give your opinion allows the other person to feel as though you care about them and the subject you are talking about. If they say, no or not at this time, don’t continue the conversation and wait for another time to talk with them.
6) If they give you their permission to talk, remember to do these two things. First, always use the word “I” instead of “you”. When you use the word you, people have a tendency to get defensive and not listen to what you are saying, they are too busy formulating a response. Second, don’t talk about the past, talk about future behavior. There is no reason to bring up the past event; situation or conversation, there is nothing that can be done about the past. Instead bring up how you would like the future to look. I can assure you that if you talk with other people using “I” and talking about future behavior that they will be open to listening to you.
Let me give you an example of how this conversation might look.
Suppose your son or daughter does not keep their room as clean as you would like, simple example I know. Typically we would harp on them and tell them to clean the room, like we are some sort of dictator. So instead of demanding that they keep their room clean or scold them for the umpteenth time that their room is a pigsty, you might approach them like this.
John or Jane, I would like to have a conversation with you regarding how you take care of your room, would there be a good time for us to have that conversation.
Wait for their reply; this might even be a good time.
Now remember to put your stuff aside and see your son or daughter as the same as you, very important.
John or Jane let me ask you a couple questions regarding how you take care of your room.
Does it matter to you that your room is unkempt? Let them talk.
How do you like it when I tell you over and over again that your room is not clean?
Does it bother you that I ask you to clean your room?
Let them talk and I am sure you can come up with other questions that are more relevant to a situation like this.
It is your time to listen, not react, not get defensive, and not jump in, not to offer your opinion. Let them share how they feel.
Next, ask them permission to say a few words on the subject, something like this.
John or Jane, could I have your permission to share a couple thoughts I have on keeping your room clean?
Seek their permission and if they don’t give it to you, then wait for another day to have the conversation. If they don’t want to hear your opinion, they will tell you and they may not be ready to listen to what you have to say.
If they do give you permission to share your thoughts, you might begin the conversation by saying. John or Jane, I would like to let you know that keeping a clean house is important to me and part of my role as a parent is to teach you some basic life skills like cleaning a clean room, would you be open going forward to trying a little harder in keeping your room clean? Remember to use “I” and talk ONLY about future behavior. Don’t be critical, compare them to you, or worry about the future and whether or not they keep their room clean. This is not the time to judge their future behavior.
You can have mutually validating conversations with anyone at any time about anything if you remember to; ask if they would be open to having a conversation, see the other person as the same as you, set your stuff aside upfront, ask them probing question and listen, ask for their permission to voice your thoughts, use “I” and talk about future behavior and not the past.
You will be surprised how willing people will be to discussing any issue or situation with you if you remember that in order to have mutually validating conversations that it starts with you.
You can do this.