Are you living with a sociopath? What’s next?

Posted on November 12, 2015 by Bill Conley, One of Thousands of Family Coaches on Noomii.

Are you living with a sociopath? What’s next?
Since writing my article on are you living with a sociopath, I have received a number of requests for advice on how to handle this person in their life.
While each and every person and situation is unique and different, I believe there are some universal things each of us should do when we are in a difficult relationship, here are seven tips I have come up with.
1) Document everything. Save every email, text and if necessary record every conversation. Save every bill, invoice, letter, bank, brokerage account statement and every scrap of paper that may allow you to use in future discussions. Mind you, I did this and when I presented evidence to my former spouse, she would take the documents, rip them up or simply throw them away and call me a liar. However, having these documents together did help me in the divorce.
2) Journal everything. Start keeping a daily journal of everything. Who, what, where, when, how and why. Write down events that have happened to you, words that were spoken, the time, date and place. Write down what was told to your children. If necessary, interview your children after visitation. Keeping a journal will help you to understand the insanity.
3) Limit your phone conversations. Sociopaths and narcissist do not want to be confronted with the truth, they don’t want to be confronted or challenged at all, ever. There truth is all that matters and the last thing they want to avoid is listening to your truth. In order to control you and the conversation, they want to talk because they know they have control over you and know they can manipulate you through the use of their words. In order to combat this, if you can, STOP TALKING TO THEM! I have found the best way to frustrate a sociopath is to email them and if necessary, text them. This serves two purposes. First, you have a record of the communication and secondly, you control the flow of communication. Documenting your communication is evidence. You will require evidence in any kind of proceedings that may occur, before, during or after your marriage. Sociopaths refuse and cannot comprehend that there is a truth other than their own. If possible, only communicate through email.
4) Move on and don’t look back. If you have not had children together and there is no reason for you to continue communicating, MOVE ON AND DON’T LOOK BACK! Along with this, don’t believe you are his savior, you are not his savior. Don’t ever try to figure him out, it will only confuse you. Sociopath’s do not think like you do, they never will. They can’t be persuaded to think and believe logically, they just can’t, so stop trying to believe you can help them change or believe that one day they will get it and see things your way. I am sorry to tell you, this is just NOT going to happen. You are wasting your time, energy and money thinking and believing you can make a difference in their life.
5) Are you lonely? Do you miss the companionship? Are you feeling sad, disappointed or depressed? Do you feel as though the failure of the relationship was your fault? Do you miss him, his presence, voice, laugh, charm, and the way he made you feel from time to time? Are you sitting at home, alone? Do you miss your partner? The social things you did together? The friends you had in common? The weekend trips? The romance? The sex? That is ALL normal. There is a reason your relationship is not working out or did not work out. When remembering the good things about your relationship, make sure you remind yourself of what drove you crazy. Remind yourself that you deserve better, that you are a great person who is entitled to a partner who loves, respects and appreciates you. A partner, who listens, laughs and gets you. Remind yourself that you are the best and deserve the best.
6) Get over your anger. If you continue to carry anger with you, what you have allowed this other person to do is have control over you. Anger only serves to keep you from moving forward and allows you to wallow in self-pity. Along with getting over your anger, you need to stop thinking of ways to punish this person for hurting you. It won’t help. It may make you feel better for the moment, but you and I both know, this is not who you are, nor is it who you want to be. You are better than that. Take the high road, let it go and as I mentioned before, move on. Remember, he is the one who is screwed up. While I was going through my divorce, I kept reminding myself, I had the truth on my side and she had lies, deceit, distortion, manipulation, insanity on her side, the truth will always win out in the end.
7) Start dating again, take a vacation, take long walks, join an internet dating site, go on a cruise, and go visit family out of town, in other words, get moving. Think of your life as having a new beginning, a chance and a time to recreate yourself. Start working out more, eat healthier, and drink more water. Begin new habits and eliminate the ones that aren’t working for you. Don’t jump right back into another relationship. Take some time to get to know yourself, build your self-esteem, worth, love and trust.
Living with a sociopath, a narcissist, a borderline, a bi-polar or any other person that makes life difficult for you, remember, there is always hope. Hope for a better future, for a life that brings you peace, happiness and joy. Your life will not change if you don’t take action one step at a time. I encourage you to take the first step forward to a life that you deserve and I bet you know where to start.
If you would like some advice, I would be willing to help or coach you through the changes you believe you need to make. Feel free to contact me.