Try It On For Size

Posted on October 29, 2015 by Karina Marwan, One of Thousands of Leadership Coaches on Noomii.

TAO. In my coaching world it means Transparent, Authentic, Open.

TAO is a Chinese concept signifying ‘way’, ‘path’, ‘route’, or sometimes more loosely, ‘doctrine’ or ‘principle’.

It’s not the typical American way (IMHO). And by the time we are adults, living with masks securely ON… It’s hard not only to take that mask off.. but to take a really good look in the mirror.. at your TRUE self….especially in relationship with others.

I don’t mean necessarily in a romantic sense, although this is one of the best places to do this, but in that back and forth dance that happens in life with others. Especially when you feel the balance is off.. For example, when you believe that the other person has more power somehow. Like with a boss.

Not living a TAO life often looks like this: keeping closed up, not speaking your truths, not asking for what you need, and playing small. We do this because we fear that if we ask for ‘too much’, the other person might get mad, might retaliate, might not like us, or worse yet, might leave.. So we settle.

Mind you, this often happens in one or two areas of a person’s life; usually not all. People were surprised to hear that I had played small in past relationships. Yes I did. Despite my successes in other aspects of my life. I did. I didn’t realize how this was actually backfiring on me time and again. It’s hard to see yourself in the picture when you are in it…

I finally dug deep, took a breath and looked square in that mirror. With the help of experts in this area, like #ByronKatie and #KatherineWoodwardThomas and #MarthaBeck, I was able to take full responsibility for all aspects of my life.. and its been nothing less than transformative.

It’s just about all I am now. TAO. And it’s a game changer.

And not just for me.. but for those I interact with now, am in relationship with now, and for those I am coaching now (and even friends as we dive deep into self reflection discussions, which I love..).

I wanted to share a wonderful example of something that recently happened to a young client I was working with (and it all happened pretty fast too which is awesome).

The funny thing is.. this keeps happening now… to many of my clients who are willing to try walking through the world in a new way. I ask, as things are usually not going so well, or as they had hoped.. about being TAO.

“Try it on for size. What have you got to lose?”

A young man, I’ll call Joe, was waiting for a former manager, Paul, to get back to him about a job, now that he had graduated college. Joe had been interning with this particular leader, doing work he loved, and that had meaning. Now that the internship period had ended, he was ‘promised’ by Paul, that he would be hired. Joe even turned down another pretty great job offer that came out of the blue, because, well, this particular job was ‘in the bag’! Or was it?

Weeks, then months, started to go by. No formal offer. ‘I am waiting for funding’ Joe was told.. time and again.Email communication was slowed way down. “It should be soon”, he was assured, time and again.. “You could work for me for free in the meantime” he was offered.. The current status in their communications? It was Paul’s turn to get back to Joe.. So Joe politely waited.. and waited. But his real feelings? Frustration, confusion, a blast to the ego and WT%*! “Was I an idiot to turn down that other job? What have I done?!” He was living off of financial support from his parents and this was about to end. He needed to act.

Joe contacted me and I could see right away that he was not acting in a TAO way.. Not living true to himself. Actually getting depressed.. We reviewed who and where he was, and how far he had come on his own merits despite this hiccup. Choices were reviewed. We discussed his work ethic and the honors he had earned in school. Remember, other companies had reached out to him! This and other work we did to bust through current / false beliefs, to creatively problem solve, to learn to act again with accountability and teaching Joe techniques to hear and then listen to his inner wisdom, lead to the discussion of living in TAO: being transparent, authentic and open. Even to a possible boss. One he did not want to disappoint.. or piss off! Terrifying!

“Lets try it on for size… and see what happens…”

He agreed. Joe reached out to Paul in a carefully crafted email which included: what his current status was, respectfully and honestly thanked this leader for all he HAD done to try to get him a job there (as he had tried in some ways), and in no uncertain terms, made it clear that this (waiting), was not a viable option any longer. He informed the leader that he had no other choice than to begin looking for work elsewhere. And that he wanted to put his cards on the table.

He had never written or said such a thing. He held his breath.

But not for long! What transpired was that Joe got a reply that Paul would step it up. He would find the funds. Regardless, Joe moved forward as her said he would and looked for work elsewhere. He was quickly interviewed.. by Paul’s competitor! He was offered the job… and as also happens ALOT with people I coach… he turned it down. Through the interview process he discovered that it wasn’t fully what he wanted. And in the mean time? Paul found the funding. Offered Joe a position.

What do you think the dynamics at the job will be? More respectful. More equal. More real.

Being TAO… I invite you….

Try it on for size! What have you got to lose?

Sending love,

Karina