Understanding Your Partner
Posted on September 21, 2015 by Reema Kumar, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Go deeper than you've gone to see your partner for who they really are.
Understanding Your Partner
Are you married? In a relationship? Feeling like you aren’t the same person you used to be?If the answer is “Yes!” then this article is for you.
In a recent meeting with a client, she disclosed to me that her husband made a lot of “changes” for her. In the beginning of the relationship, she was under the impression that he was being himself and thought it was great. After several years of being married, she found out that he changed himself in many ways for her. This new piece of information altered her image of her husband. She went on to explain she felt “selfish” for making him change.
Step One Letting go of Destructive feelings.
The first step in producing positive change with my client was finding a way for her to let go of the word “selfish”. An exercise I conducted with her was a visualization technique. This technique was to help free her of the word selfish. She was to visualize/imagine the word selfish inside of her. I then asked her to close her eyes and take five deep breaths. With each breath, I instructed her to exhale the word “selfish” out of her system. She felt a sense of relief after completing the exercise. The key was to let go of the feeling by imagining it and releasing it. With this new outlook, she was able to function on a different level.
Step Two consisted of reframing her thoughts.
I proceed to my next method of giving a deeper point of view.
I explained:
When we are born, our own identity is fostered through our parents or guardians. Whenever we come across someone, they leave a small impression on us. As we grow we develop different memories and experiences that are unique to us. With that being said, we form our identity based on those experiences and our upbringing. When my client met her husband, someone who had been imprinted on differently throughout his life, of course they experienced some initial friction. There was a spark, a connection in time that led them to be together. As humans, we are constantly evolving, and changing. Now that he expressed to her that he felt he had changed, she must respect that and who he is . She must allow herself to pull away enough to see him as he wants to be seen, and do the things he enjoys.
Step Three: The Significant Others Perspective.
She told me that her husband likes iced coffee, even in cold weather, but she gives him hot coffee because she is thinking about his health. She said she saw that as a way she had changed him.I reinforced her realization. “I am glad you understand that! That is very good!” Then I proceeded to tell her, “If he is asking for the iced coffee, he probably wants it!” She laughed and I reasoned to her that the iced coffee feels like a treat for him; it fills a need for him to have something exactly how he wants it and it brings a bit of joy into his life. I informed her that her concern was coming from a place of love, but sometimes we need to give the person enough room to be themselves and do what makes them happy. She appreciated the insight, and left the conversation with a new perspective and feeling of relief
