What's Your Strategy For Love?
Posted on September 15, 2015 by Carla Khabbaz, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
We are our own Source for love. When we give that power to another, we end up strategizing ways to get it back. "Losing Love" is a myth.
Whether we realize or not, most of us have few strategies we rely on to get love, approval and validation from others.
You might be thinking, what?! I don’t do that! But, if you dig a little deeper, I’ll bet you do. We all do.
Here’s how it works…
As a child, we unconsciously picked up a strategy or two to get love and approval from our parents or caregivers. Keep in mind that at the time, we wen’t aware this was even going on. Children are wired to crave nurturing, love and approval from their parents because they need it. So, they find ways to make sure they get it.
For example…
Maybe you learned to do things perfectly because you received attention, praise or affection.
OR
Maybe you learned to do things perfectly because it allowed you to fly under the radar and avoid criticism — which equated with feeling approval or love.
This is where you want to look back at your past and get curious about what your strategy is:
How did it come to be?
Where has it played out in the past?
How does it show up today?
The question now is not if your strategy is good or bad, right or wrong; but simply: How is this working out for me? When does it serve me and when does it block me?
As we become older and wiser, our strategy usually becomes maladaptive. It’s comfortable and helps us feel safe, but it’s also a block to deeper intimacy, more fulfilling connection, and self-esteem.
Why? Because at the root, this strategy is based in fear, control or even manipulation. Anytime we are operating from these energies — we eventually feel drained, resentful and frustrated. If we’re putting out low level energy, we’re going to see it reflected back to us in our relationships. Like energy attracts like energy.
It can play out in any number of ways…
Maybe your strategy is to tolerate relationships that drain you for too long because letting go of the relationship equates to losing love in your book.
Maybe you over-time work (operative word being WORK) to maintain harmony and happiness in your relationship. If you pleasing your partner first and foremost, you feel more love or more security or more ________.
Again – this isn’t about judgement. It’s simply looking with curiosity at some of your patterns and habits around love and discerning whether or not they work for you.
My strategy was to avoid conflict. For me, conflict = NO LOVE + feelings of being judged, blame, anger and resentment.
How did that work out for me?
Well, even without conflict my relationships still suffered. I would stuff feelings, tolerate, and rationalize instead of communicating my truth. Every-so-often, I’d reach my threshold and EXPLODE. The whole pattern was actually a total joy-suck to my relationships. It felt heavy and burdensome because I was trying so hard to be “good” with things and avoid conflict.
When I made the decision to change how I perceived conflict… meaning what I thought and how I felt about conflict… I felt much more EMPOWERED. This gave me the courage to seek out the tools and resources so I could engage in healthy conflict and appreciate the benefits of it. It was no longer something I was afraid of or felt the need to avoid in order to keep the love going in my relationship.
When I avoided conflict, resentment would eventually build-up toward my partner. This is a victim mentality. (And the road to empowerment should be called “Radical Responsibility Lane”.) Once I got honest with myself and owned my part in how I was contributing to the relationship dynamic, I shifted from a victim to a victor (read that post here).
I was able to see that I had been choosing this for myself… allowing it to happen. And, I could also decide to choose something else.
The greatest freedom we have is the freedom of choice!
The Truth is…
All the love we want already exists inside of us, we just need to tap into it. (tweet it!)
We are our own Source for love. When we give that power to another, we end up strategizing ways to get it back. We can’t really lose love. It’s a myth.
xo, Carla
EMPOWERING QUESTION
What would it looks like if you dropped your strategy for getting love and used that time & energy to instead create more love for yourself and your life that celebrates the truth of who you are?
What things can you do that feel GOOD and ENERGIZE the relationship?
How can you be more true to you when it comes to sharing love with another?
