2 Ways To Move On When A Relationship Ends

Posted on September 15, 2015 by Carla Khabbaz, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

I spoke with a new client the other day who said she was tired of waiting for the second part of her life to start being amazing. Her marriage had ended a year ago, and she was still struggling to find her way. Her identity, sense of purpose, and vision for her future were all being called into question. She was still bitter and angry both with herself and her ex for the mistakes each had made. She felt stuck and was worried she might not ever be able to put the past behind her and move on.

When I asked her what she was doing to create the changes she desired, there was a long pause. Finally her reply was, “Not much, I guess”.

This is a common mistake I see with many clients. They get stuck waiting to be propelled to where they want to be; hoping they’ll wake up one day and the changes they desire will have magically occurred. Unfortunately, I see many people drained and exhausted by the transition from a relationship ending. I explained to her that she was trapped in a Victim mentality as opposed to a Victor mentality.

A Victim mentality is one in which much of our energy is contaminated by hurt, anger and blame. We feel we were wronged in some way, dealt an unfair hand and left with very few choices. When this happens, it’s like trying to climb Mt. Kilimanjaro with an extra 80 pound backpack. It contains nothing of value and only serves as an added burden making our trek up the mountain all the more challenging. There is another possibility.

Imagine allowing your relationship to end without this added burden dragging you down. What if you could perceive your journey forward and upward as an exciting new adventure in which you are clear to experience the powerful gifts the relationship held and free to enter your next phase with confidence and courage? This is a Victor mentality.

Victors craft a clear plan and then make conscious choices every step of the way. They have the energy, desire and confidence to “take the reins” and build something meaningful and purposeful.

Victims feel sorry for themselves.
Victors take responsibility for their choices, actions and outcomes.

Victims dwell on the way they’ve been mistreated.
Victors reflect on what they’ve learned, and see the value of wisdom through experience.

Victims give away their power.
Victors understand their own source of worthiness.

Victims resist change.
Victors embrace change (even though it can be scary) as it brings growth and the opportunity to create the relationship they truly deserve.

Victims ruminate on things they can’t control.
Victors recognize the only things we can ever control are our own thoughts, beliefs, and actions.

Victims make the same mistakes over and over.
Victors are self-reflective, willing to learn from the past, and make different choices to create different outcomes going forward.

Victims give up.
Victors realize there are no mistakes, only opportunities for growth. A chance to begin again and make a fresh start, building on what they have learned.

Victims are afraid to be alone.
Victors see the opportunity to take time to get to know, love, and appreciate the person they’ve become and mourn the death of the person they once were.

Which of the above statements resonate most with you? How might you find the inspiration to shift your perspective, call back your power and exit your relationship as a Victor, not a Victim?

xo, Carla

EMPOWERING QUESTION

What are you doing today to CREATE THE CHANGES that you want to see in your relationships and life tomorrow?

And your answer better not be “not much.” :)

Let’s be victors.