Is The Grass Greener On The Other Side?

Posted on September 10, 2015 by Vance Larson, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Why people have affairs is an age old question. There are many reasons why people feel the need to cheat on their spouse. In this lesson we will touch on some of the more common reasons. The most common reason and one of the biggest misconceptions, is for sex. In some cases that is true, but we will explore why that is not always the case.

As we said above, there are many reasons for affairs. Affairs, many times, are intense and passionate. They rarely mature into long-term relationships although that is possible. In some cases an affair may turn into a short-term marriage. However, if you do not settle your emotional need for an affair, you will probably continue to have affairs. In other words, until you learn to fill that void deep within yourself, you will continue to have more infidelities. Both people in this relationship will need to learn to fulfill their physical and emotional needs. If you attempt to ignore or repress these needs, the emotional pressure often leads back into an affair.

If you ever thought about having an affair, you were probably thinking of yourself. As you focus on your own needs, remember that you are ignoring the needs of your partner (and children if you have them). You are very much entitled to your own thoughts and desires, but if you ignore that the relationship is a living entity, (that requires your active participation) you just may find yourself in a situation that is conducive to manifesting an affair.

Infidelity and affairs can be defined by needs. More often than not a person will have an affair because his/her needs are not being met. In other cases an affair may happen because a person may want something else. A classic example would be the work related affair such as the trading of sex for money or a promotion.

An affair is devastating to everyone involved. Even friends and members of the extended family are usually hurt as well. What most people do not realize is that the unfaithful person and the lover (in many cases) are also hurting by this experience. It almost always causes them pain on some level. Some may fall into a deep depression, often with thoughts of suicide. With all this sadness, why do so many people have affairs?

Men sometimes want (casual) sex just for the pleasure of sex. Up to 44 percent of men will have sex just to have sex. Some men admit that they pretend to be in love to have sex with women. Younger men usually seek a sexual affair (a one night stand) rather than a love affair (a relationship based on just sex), while older men are more likely to choose affairs that fulfill an emotional void. Motivations for affairs may be physical pleasure, the hunt, the need to know that one is still desired and/or to gain sexual experience. Men (like women) want to be with someone who can understand them. One who will accept and appreciate them. Others pay prostitutes to have certain types of sex, the type of sex they do not get in their current relationship.

Studies show that the longer a woman is married, the more likely it is that she will have an affair. Women have affairs for many different reasons. Some have affairs to feel connected, while others choose sexual affairs for pleasure (about 11 percent of woman report this) and experience. Women are more likely than men to have an affair to deliberately hurt a partner or an ex-partner. The affair will often provide a woman with emotional intimacy (that feeling of being connected). Sometimes women have affairs because they are uncertain about their current partnership or marriage. Women who are emotionally closer to their fathers are likely to have affairs with older men.

Note: Does oral sex constitute sex? Both men and women alike see more of a problem with their spouse engaging in oral sex rather than intercourse. The reason being is that oral sex is considered (by most) to be more intimate. This seems to be changing with the youth of today. Below, a report from NBC seems to confirm this finding.

For many teens (43%), oral sex is not seen as being as big a deal as sexual intercourse. Boys and girls see this somewhat differently. While almost half of boys (47%) think that oral sex is not as big of a deal as sexual intercourse, fewer girls feel that way (38%). This does not mean that teens are dismissive of its significance: Fifty-five percent of teens hold that it is very important to be in love before having oral sex. Somewhat more (68%) say it is very important to be in love before having sexual intercourse. – NBC News 2005

So what is the difference between the feelings that men and woman have? The biggest difference is that a woman feels betrayed by her spouse if he has an emotional bond with whom he is cheating. With a man, it is the vision of his spouse having sex with someone other than himself. This is not to suggest that women are okay with their spouse having sex with another woman, but meaningless sex without commitment or emotional involvement seems to be a little easier to accept. This is interesting because women who have affairs often start theirs with an emotional connection that ultimately leads to sex.

Is the grass greener on the other side? Well, the truth is only about 10 percent of those who have an affair will stay together with the person with whom they had the affair. So is the grass greener on the other side? Probably not. You should know that people who have affairs are not all bad people. For some it can be as simple as learned behavior. We know that children of parents who have had an affair are at increase risk of having an affair themselves. For others it may just be an opportunity that presented itself. My personal feeling is that it all goes back to needs. If you are not getting what you need from your relationship, then statistically you are at a higher risk to commit an infidelity. Please do not take what I say as the affair is an acceptable solution to get your needs met. It is quite the opposite. If you were secure in yourself and your self esteem you would communicate what your needs are in a mature manner to your partner.

In my personal experience, I have found that only a handful of people have ever said that the grass was greener on the other side. Those that I have worked with who committed an act of infidelity say that they wish that they would have just left the relationship rather have an affair. Or they say they wished they would have tried a little harder to convince their spouse that the relationship was in jeopardy. No matter what the outcome, few are left with a good feeling about what they have done.