When Does Life Go Back To Normal After Death and Divorce?

Posted on September 08, 2015 by Charmaine Martell, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Someone asked me “when does it all go back to normal?”

I’ve been working with this man for about three months and with his permission, and the knowledge that specific details would be kept confidential, he agreed to let me write about our journey together with coaching around his grief and loss here.

This person, we will call him “John” has suffered some truly devastating losses in his life. The death of a child and the end of his marriage brought him to me looking for support and a way to navigate through the pain and isolation he was feeling.

Like all of us, John was bombarded with messages about how he should feel and how he should act in the face of loosing his child and subsequently leaving his wife and despaired of ever having anyone truly understand how he felt and what he was going through. John wanted to be free of the pain and confusion of his grief and the life that he once had, and felt that if he could just “get back to normal” things would be better, he would feel better and he would be able to move on.

The first thing that John and I talked about was the fact that the various and conflicting emotions he was feelings were normal and natural, however the ways in which he was dealing with these emotions was not entirely helpful in his journey to healing. Without revealing specific details of course, we looked at each of his personal coping mechanisms and he decided which ones served him in moving forward down the path of healing and which ones kept him stuck. Upon discovering what was keeping him stuck in his grief and negative emotions I then supported him to discover just what he could do to replace them in a way that was best for him to reach his goal of healing, feeling better and returning to normal.

We also talked about the shoulds. What he thought he should do, say or feel, what he felt others thought he should do, say or feel and also the direct verbal messages that people had told him about what he should do, say or feel. Focusing instead of should, we focused on what exactly was right for John to do, say or feel, from a place of core values. When John knew that he was allowed to feel what was unique and individual for him, he was able to let go of the shoulds and simply feel what was there.

We then delved into the relationships he had with his child and with his wife. Separately. John was able to come to terms with everything surrounding those relationships, the good, the not so good, the hopes and expectations he had that were never fulfilled, the things he wished could have been different, and the things he could do now, in this moment to bring himself closure and help himself to heal.

When John told me that he felt he had completed the work he needed to do in regards to the relationship he had with both his wife and his son we turned to focusing on getting back to “normal.”

John’s life was in turmoil. He felt completely turned upside down. Together we explored his belief that in order to feel better, he had to go back to the way he was before he had a wife and child. Unfortunately, for all of us there is no going back. John realized that he was not even the same person he had been ten, five or even two years ago. With that realization he was ready to focus on what he wanted his life to look like now, a year from now, five years from now.

And with that, John and I are now working towards a new normal. Different from what was, but with the intention of creating a life of purpose. One where John has a new appreciation for himself as a man, as a human being, as a father, as a husband, son and friend. A life where normal can change in an instant but also where he knows without a doubt that he can heal, move forward and continue on.

Thank you John.