No is a Love Word
Posted on July 24, 2015 by Renee Gebhart, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Learn why saying no isn't selfish and how it helps your relationships. I'll give you a formula to use to say no.
Saying no to others is an important part of maintaining healthy boundaries in your relationships. I find a lot of people struggle with saying no. Why is it so hard?
This is what I hear the most:
• I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how to say no gracefully. I come off too strong or I just give in.
• I don’t want to hurt their feelings. I can’t handle them being mad at me.
• Saying no is hard enough, but handling their reaction will be impossible.
• Isn’t it selfish to say no?
While there are circumstances in which saying no would not be appropriate, today’s post contains strategies for saying no and setting boundaries for many relationship situations.
How To Say No
Option One: Say “yes” first!! Determine what you want to say “yes” to and then determine what you want to say “no” to. Mentally shift your focus from the displeasure of saying no to the benefit of saying no (i.e. whatever your “yes” is). It helps to get clear about this for yourself first mentally. Then verbally respond with a “sandwich” response: yes, no, yes.
Example: Let’s say a friend invites you to lunch and you are too busy to take time to meet your friend. I would imagine you would like to say “yes” to spending time with your friend and “no” to the specific date/time.
Your response might sound like, ““Yes! I would love to have lunch with you. Today doesn’t work for me, but I am available tomorrow for lunch. How would that work for you? I would love to catch up with you!” Yes, no, yes.
Option Two: Talk about what “works” and what “doesn’t work” for you when negotiating arrangements. This keeps you from judging yourself as “selfish” and keeps the conversation moving forward towards a joint solution, as in the above example.
Option Three: Speak for the part of you that wants to please and be agreeable AND then state your need/want/preference. It might sound like this: “You know what? There is a part of me that really wants to do that for you. And, I know that as much as I would like to, I don’t have the time to make it happen. What I would like to do is……”
Honor You + Honor Them = Balanced Relationship
“Keep your side of the street clean,” is a 12 step reminder for maintaining boundaries. It means that you are responsible for you and the person you are in relationship with is responsible for them. If you care too much about the other person’s “side of the street,” or if you fail to assert your needs and wants in a relationship, then you will likely end up feeling resentful and resentment destroys relationships. Saying no means you care about yourself enough AND you value the relationship enough to maintain your side of the street. Therefore, a key to a healthy relationship is negotiating more of what works for BOTH parties.
NO really can be a LOVE word.
