How Do You Love?

Posted on July 24, 2015 by Renee Gebhart, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

My son was interviewing me the other night for a second grade writing assignment. He needed to know the title of my favorite book. My husband laughed. He knows how much I read and that this would be a hard question. I told my son to write down “work books,” meaning professional reading. He quickly responded, “Mom, that’s not ‘pecific enough”. It was endearing when he pronounced specific as pacific. We’ll work on pronunciation later, but it was too cute the other night!

Well today I remembered that one of my favorite books is The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. This is not a new book by any means, but I do so appreciate the wise and simple message Chapman provides and how useful it is for all relationships, not just romantic relationships.

In case you are wondering, the five love languages are: words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, and receiving gifts. When you take Chapman’s quiz in the book or online, you will discover which of the love languages are strongest for you, in terms of how you prefer to receive love.

However, one of the key ideas about the love languages is that how you choose to show your love to someone needs to be “in synch” with how they prefer to receive love, otherwise you risk losing the connection despite your loving effort. Let me share some examples with you.

I’ve seen this play out in marriages. A wife might focus on maintaining order at home (acts of service) but what her husband really desires is a partner to share new experiences with (quality time). A husband might focus on being a good financial provider (acts of service) and lose out on his relationship with his spouse or children due to limited (quality) time together. Some spouses believe that quality time constitutes watching TV together but when questioned one spouse may actually prefer a short but real conversation without any distractions. A husband might try taking his wife out on a fancy date with a hope of being intimate at the end of the evening (physical touch) and he might find that the fancy date night “didn’t work” because his wife did not feel connected to him all week (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service).

I have seen this play out in parent/child relationships. A mother might offer help by giving parenting advice and/or offers of babysitting (acts of service) but what her adult child might crave is recognition of the good job she is doing (words of affirmation). Unfortunately, I’ve seen many adult children perceive this kind of well meaning advice as camouflaged criticism and react by distancing from their parents. I’ve seen children (young and old) reject financial gifts out of protest because they didn’t receive time, attention or attunement over the course of their relationship.

It happens in work environments. I have talked to people who have been fired and feel blindsided. But upon investigation, I will learn that while they invested their energy in projects or fighting fires (acts of service), they failed to establish, maintain, or nurture relationships with their team or customers (quality time).

As you can see well-intentioned people end up sabotaging relationships by giving love (or help) in ways that are not attuned to the receiving person’s desires. It is so helpful to talk your loved ones and ask them what they want, need, desire, and prefer to receive from you in order to feel connected. If someone is unsure, you might ask them to think of times they felt closest to you and then together discover what factors contributed to (or took away) from that feeling of connection.

Another way to apply the love languages, which is often overlooked, is to love yourself in accordance with your own love languages. If physical touch is your primary love language, do you find ways to nurture your body through warm baths or a massage, for instance? If your primary language is words of affirmation, do you listen to your inner critic or do you engage in positive self talk? If your language is quality time, are you able to stop being productive and give yourself the gift of relaxation or recreation?

Furthermore, I have talked with many people over the years that yearn for a romantic relationship in which they feel loved. I find that when people struggle to love themselves, they may seek something outside of themselves to fill them up. While we all want to feel loved, it has to start on the inside first. I also believe that when people love themselves, it shows, and they attract other loving people into their life.

So, how do you love? I encourage you to check with your loved ones and make sure you are giving the love that counts. For more information, see Chapman’s book, The Five Love Languages or look on the web for the on line assessment tool to discover your love languages. If you would like for me to coach you on this, I would love to help.