Working With Self Criticism

Posted on July 24, 2015 by Renee Gebhart, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Working with Self Criticism

Most people know that I work with clients to help them improve their relationships with significant others. However, I can see the look of confusion on folks faces when I say I also work with individuals to improve their relationship with their SELF. Today’s post will give you an idea of what that looks like.

I’ve worked with a lot of women over the years. And I think you would be surprised by how many women look like they have it all together on the outside but feel like they are failing at life or feel like a fake. There are many contributors to this but a really common factor for many women is negative self talk. Of course, it is not just women who deal with this. We all have that little voice in our head that tells us what we should be doing (or not doing). But I do find it to be a harder struggle for many women, and especially women who push themselves hard. I hope to offer some enlightenment, as well as strategies, to turn down the volume on the inner angst and power up inner peace.

The process of negative self talk has been given many different names and much has been written about different coping strategies. For ease of discussion, I will refer to negative self talk as your “inner critic”. You might think of your inner critic at a part of your personality….not all of you, just a part of you.

There are 7 common types of inner critics:
1. Perfectionist—this part pushes you to do everything perfectly and has very high standards for behavior, performance, and production. It attacks you by saying you are not “good enough”.
2. Inner Controller—this part tries to control impulsive behavior and shames you when you overeat, yell at your kids, drink too much, etc.
3. Taskmaster—this part tries to get you to work hard to be successful. It will attack you in an attempt to motivate you. This part is not a fan of rest and relaxation.
4. Underminer—this part will talk you out of taking risks that might end in failure. It may also prevent you from getting too big, powerful, or visible in order to avoid the threat of attack or rejection by others.
5. Destroyer—this part consistently targets your innate self worth in a shaming manner attacking not what you do, but who you are.
6. Guilt tripper—this part makes you feel bad for specific actions you took or didn’t take in the past and will make you feel bad for behaviors it finds unacceptable now in an attempt to get you to stop.
7. Molder—this part tries to get you to fit a certain societal mold praising you when you conform and attacking you when you don’t.

My clients experience these inner critics as overwhelming. Many have spent decades trying to get “it” right so that the inner critic backs down and bestows some peace. They find that “trying harder” does not quiet their inner critic. Talking back with positive self talk in an attempt to silence the inner critic can be futile because of how frequently inner critics pipe up during the day. And self discipline wears down as your day progresses. Clients then feel helpless and overwhelmed by their inner critics. When defeated, it is hard to see the bigger picture.

And the big picture is this: inner critics want to help you. They want to protect you from something bad happening to you. So, although they contribute to your inner angst, having an awareness of the inner critic’s true intention is a first step.

What are they attempting to protect you against? What are they afraid would happen to you if they didn’t do their protective job? Most inner critics try to protect you from being judged, ridiculed, rejected, attacked, or abandoned by people. Or, they are trying to get you some level of approval, attention, or admiration. Often they are trying to stop you from doing things that are harmful to yourself and others.

Here’s the thing. When inner critics try to help, they do it the ONLY way they know how….by talking to you or in some way leading you to feel uncomfortable. But that is it! That is all the power they will EVER have. That is the only tool in their toolbox! Furthermore, I find that the critic usually doesn’t offer up “new” information, instead the same message is repeated over and over again.

Another way to think about it is this…..your inner critic is like a small child or puppy who only has a few simple (and annoying) ways to get what it wants. Let’s face it. Children and puppies are not developmentally mature. Your inner critic isn’t either. In fact, it is probably developmentally stuck because it has been doing its job for so long! I find that taking this perspective can help a person take a step back and evaluate if they want to listen to their inner critic without consideration.

I advise clients not to argue with the critic, silence the critic, or try to get rid of the critic, but to instead begin to compassionately change their relationship with the critic. Acknowledge it is there. Here the message. Understand the positive intent to help and protect. But then make a conscious choice to do what is best for you. This is much like the discipline that comes with parenting a small child or training a new pet. In either case, they are going to do what they have always done until they are shown a different possibility.

I tell my clients “let’s retrain your brain”. What do I mean by that? Your critic is going to talk to you. You do not have control over that. But you do get to choose what comes next, what you think about, and how you respond (not react). You can focus on the message of the critic or you can focus on a message that is more positive and energizing.

Instead of arguing with or silencing your inner critic, try instead to add in a positive inner voice. Think of it as your inner cheerleader, mentor, or coach. This part of you can reframe and balance out the negative energy of the critic into a more positive (and more motivating) direction. This positive inner voice can set boundaries with your inner critic, offer nurturing and guidance, and help you set reasonable action steps.

Examples of how this might sound like:
Now is not a good time for this.
I know you want to help me but your approach isn’t helpful.
You already are everything you need to be right now.
You have a lot to offer people and the world.
You are doing well. You are on your way.
Your struggles just represent where you are now in your growth.
You can find what you need to overcome obstacles.
You can learn at your own pace.

Over time and with practice, you will balance out your inner system. Your inner cheerleader/mentor/coach takes a more active role and your inner critic can relax its protective stance and take a step back. This allows you to make decisions, be productive, and experience more flow precisely because you are not weighed down by the pushing and judging of your inner critic. Power down angst, power up peace!!

**For people who have struggled with negative self talk or inner critics for a long time, it is helpful to have outside support. I recommend “bookending” your support around events, situations, & people that are triggering to your inner critic. I can coach/support you in that way. We can set up an in person meeting, phone call, or video chat. For those that appreciate reading recommendations, see “Self Therapy for Your Inner Critic” by Jay Earley and Bonnie Weiss.