I'm FINE

Posted on July 24, 2015 by Renee Gebhart, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Men, have you ever picked up on a look, tone, or feeling from your lady that prompted you to ask, “Is something wrong?”. Is her response ever “I’m fine”? I wonder, how successful have you been in handling that?

I imagine you might be tempted to handle this situation in a variety of ways. Take her response at face value (not advised). Turn on “good guy mode” and try desperately to do something to make it better (also not advised). Wonder what her problem is, assume her attitude is directed at you (it’s possible), and get defensive (never a strong play). I am sure I’m missing a few strategies here, but let’s go with this for now….

There are so many reasons your lady may choose to not “go there” with you, in fact, that is a post in and of itself. However, what I want to focus on in this post is how to handle this situation with your lady in a way that is strong and effective. Curious?

Given you have already asked, “Is something wrong” and you haven’t changed the temperature in the room, you might try again with an “I notice statement”:

I notice you are quiet tonight.
I notice you seem preoccupied.
I notice you aren’t as engaged or happy as you normally are.

The “I noticed” comment helps you steer away from implying that there is something “wrong” with her and positions you to engage her more skillfully. “Noticing” works because in “noticing” there is no judgment, just observation. And in the absence of judgment, people are more willing to open up.

Follow up your “noticing” statement with:
Is there something I can do for you?
Is there something you want/need from me?

This may be all that is needed and you and your lady can move forward with peace. Or it might be the green light for her to “open up”.

I have worked with some men who are totally unprepared for when their lady “opens up”.
They don’t know what to do with all that energy or how to respond, and quickly fail in reaction to whatever it is that she says. (This is a common reason many women say “I’m fine”. They don’t think you can “handle” what she wants to share.) For now, let’s assume she sticks with “I’m fine” and let’s talk about winning strategies for engaging her differently.

One strategy is to stop questioning her, and instead ask her if you can share how you feel and what you want to have happen. Start with an acknowledgement of her: “I hear you say nothing is wrong” and follow with an acknowledgement of you: “I am confused though because you don’t look like or sound like you normally do”. You can follow with an invitation or a request: “If there is something I can do or when you are ready to fill me in, I’d be happy to listen”.

I am not going to lie; there are so many ways this can go. For instance, this might be all that is needed to break the dam and what comes next is a deluge of energy and information. Women are emotional beings and learning to ride the wave of emotion and not react to it is a skill that takes men very far in their relationships.

I find most men can handle this scenario if they can clarify “how” they can be most helpful. Does she just want you to listen? For many women, just talking things out is helpful. We need to talk it out to process what is going on. Does she want your feedback or suggestions? It is best to clarify this. It helps you listen better and focus on your response if she does want feedback and if she doesn’t, it saves you the frustration of problem solving something and someone who doesn’t want it.

Or, what IF she is upset with you? How are you going to handle it? I suggest finding the nugget (or monument) of truth in what she says and let her know you see her point. Respond with empathy. And tell her how you promise to do it different in the future (and do it). The formula for this is:

I hear your point.
I feel xxxx about it.
I will work on doing xxx differently next time.

• Just to be sure, ask her if there is anything you missed, and if so, repeat above steps.**

I realize you may have your “side” of the story. Share it only after your lady feels heard and understood and first ask if she is open to hearing you. This is important, because if you assert your side of the story prematurely you will likely prolong the conflict.

Now what if she is upset, maybe critical or attacking and you have tried to stay calm and engage? Then you need to calmly challenger her. There is a professional in my field who calls this “giving better back”. This happens when you have been the “good guy” holding steady in the conversation and it is getting you nowhere and maybe it is getting you a whole lot of drama. Do not take the bait and react. Women hate that. Part of us might want that but at our core we want you to be better than that. If we push your buttons and you can’t handle yourself, then we lose trust and respect towards you, whether we consciously know that or not. So what’s a guy to DO?!?

You state the obvious: “I care about you and how you feel. I want to talk with you about this when we are both calm. I don’t think you are right now and I am afraid this conversation will go south if I don’t take a break. I’ll check back with you xxxx”. Or: “Let me know when you can talk calmly and we’ll try again”. No reaction, no drama, just a “noticing” and a request.

Guys, I hope this has been helpful. If you feel confused about relating to women and want to feel more confident about communicating and connecting with the women in your life, call me for a coaching session. I’ll help you get unstuck.