The Gift of Shame
Posted on June 30, 2015 by Debrah Williams, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.
In every shame experience there is a part of your true nature present that does not need to be fixed, but celebrated!
Accepting the gift of shame is to say yes to yourself! It is realizing that in every shame experience there is a part of your true nature present. Now, here is where we get stuck. We think by embracing or accepting shame we are accepting negative or bad things that happen to us. When, actually to accept our shame is to accept that inherent in the shame is a part of our genuine self and we are loving that genuine self instead of seeing the negative emotion of shame. We are saying yes, to this hidden part, that peeks out to the world every once in a while and the minute it is uncomfortable, we go into hiding again. If we accept the gift of shame we begin to look for the gift of ourself in the moment. What in the moment was your natural way of being in the world? What were you doing, saying, or what was happening around you? I have found that by avoiding shame we also avoid a part of our own soul. Now watch this cycle. We avoid feeling shame so we won’t feel the discomfort of being ourselves, then by avoiding ourselves we reinforce there is something wrong with that part or it should stay in hiding, then by hiding we take action that reinforces again that something is wrong with us, and in reinforcing all of this by taking action with great emotion we convince ourselves that the shame is wrong and it needs to be fixed.Discovering the gift of shame means there is nothing to fix. We just need to learn how to celebrate the gift of ourselves that peeks out when we experience shame. For instance, years ago while in my undergraduate studies I had to give a speech in class. I begged the professor not to make me do it and I would do anything else to fulfill the requirement, except speak in front to the class. As a good professor would do he encouraged me to continue on and didn’t make any changes for me. The day of my presentation I came to class prepared, with handouts, and visual aids (this tells you how long ago this was). It didn’t take long for my anxiety and shame to totally overwhelm me. I shook so bad I ran out of the room about 3 minutes into the presentation and never returned. I had to go get my presentation material, purse, and all my belongings from the professor. What is important to see here was that inherent in this shame experience was a part of me that actually enjoys people, teaching, and communicating. The shame, or the terrible feelings of self doubt and fear of myself, were so immense that it shut down all aspects of reasonable thought and emotion in the moment.
The shame and the language of shame had me believing the fears were real and to doubt was a smart thing to do. Yet, all of the emotions only hid the part of myself that really enjoys being around others and teaching. I will tell you one of the reasons shame is so powerful is because it is inherently connected to the part in you that feels most vulnerable. It is not the shame, nor vulnerability that is the problem. It is the need to honor, accept, and embrace who you really are!!! How much time do you spend honoring and respecting who you are naturally. Not what you wish you were, or what others wish you were, but who you are. Think of shame as the gift that exposes your deepest most natural true nature and gifts. If we believe the feelings, words, and anxiety of shame, we will continue to avoid our true self, because if you try to fix shame, in a way you are trying to fix your true self. And, in my book your true self does not need to be fixed. It needs to be set free through acceptance, honor, and respect, while being nurtured into a powerful force for good in this life.
Take notice next time you feel the terrible pangs of shame. What is naturally you, and what is not? Shame is really not the issue. I would encourage you to stop trying to avoid shame or heal it, and use shame as the gift of discovering a part of yourself. You just might be amazed at the journey this will open up for you and how transformational it can be.
