Holding Space in Times of Tragedy
Posted on March 31, 2015 by Mary Lotto Ross, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Holding space is a comforting and authentic way of being when someone close to us experiences a trauma, a grave loss or crisis.
I am the eldest daughter in a family of 5 siblings, and I have been a natural born “fixer” for much of my adult life. It is my training as a Life Coach that has taught me a more authentic way of being in the world, both with my loved ones and with my tribe at large. So when my sister called to share with me a tragedy that had befallen a dear friend of hers, the loss of a child, I was compelled to share some of what I have learned…the beauty and power of “holding space.”
When someone close to us experiences a trauma, a grave loss or crisis, it is tempting to want to fix things, to help them in any way possible, to just do something. Often, there is nothing we can really do to remedy the situation or take away the pain we are witnessing, but there is something comforting and powerful which is more a way of being, and that is the practice of “holding space.”
Holding space for someone means you are holding a safe space for them in a trusting and non-judgmental way as they process what has happened and what is currently happening. It is being with them in their trauma with an open heart and from a place of unconditional love. It is allowing them an expansive space to be whomever and wherever they are as they work through their pain in their own way, in their own time and as they support others close to them.
Holding space means trusting them to know how to express their grief and to know what is best for themselves in each moment of the process. It is trusting yourself to just be with them, listen and allow them to be heard and seen without comment, blame or criticism. It is the act of ‘being with’ any awkwardness or discomfort and filling the space with love and acceptance and not necessarily with words. It is also about creating a safe space for raw and complex emotions and ‘being with’ them in a calm and centered way, accepting what unfolds before you without expectation.
Holding space means resisting the urge to give advice or talk about what it is like for you or what you would do. You are there to provide support… taking their pain on as your own will not serve them and will take the focus away from their needs. If you are asked for guidance or advice, do so with the utmost caution and humility. Your role as space holder is to encourage them to access their own wisdom and intuition and empower them to make their own decisions, to do what they know to be best. It is about accepting whatever emotions, beliefs or decisions that are presented, even if they differ vastly from yours.
We can hold space in person as we sit with them or it can be offered over the phone throughout the healing process. We can hold space in meditation or prayer from a distance or simply though intention as we think of them in the same ways we discussed above.
Holding space requires practice and I often find myself struggling to stay in the place of space holder and not reverting to my old ways, but it is worthy of consistent effort. As one of my brilliant clients remarked, all true benefits are mutual, thus holding space brings benefits to the holder as well as the ones being held. When we hold space for others, we practice holding space for ourselves. We become the love and compassion we are holding and realize how connected we truly are to all members of our tribe and to every being on the planet. I am holding space for my sister’s friend and sending love and healing light to everyone touched by this tragic loss.
