Autonomy: Learning to be comfortable when alone

Posted on March 19, 2015 by Tim Peterson, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

The value in developing autonomy is that you are more self reliant and less dependent on peopleand distractions. You are comfortable when alone and have developed some level of inner strength.

Most people struggle with the quiet or being alone, always running from one relationship to another or keeping the noise on to avoid their internal thoughts, demons and dialogue. Noise can include music, internet, TV, gaming, sex, hobbies or whatever helps one avoid. These are things you go to or turn on rather than face the quiet.

Most people maintain a lifetime of noise. They wake up to the radio, immediately turn on the TV, have the radio going in the car, play a game or listen to music in public, have music going at work, or are surfing the web, then do much the same at home, whether it’s music, TV or the internet.

Most people also depend on others to feel whole rather than feeling whole on their own and allowing a relationship to enhance life. They often move from relationship to relationship, without ever spending time alone or taking time to process the previous relationship or breakup.

Example: For many years I thought I was autonomous. I had my own place and my girl would come over, or I’d go to her. I assumed I was autonomous because I was so comfortable on my own, when she wasn’t around. When we broke up, I suddenly noticed that I wasn’t so comfortable being on my own after all, and it wasn’t long before I felt like I was climbing the walls for company. I began reaching out to find someone, anyone to help me avoid the quiet and loneliness. Talking to a friend one day, he mentions how he loved being on his own. He was perfectly ok if his partner came over and equally as comfortable if she didn’t as he had plenty of things to do that he enjoyed when by himself. I thought to myself, I want to experience that kind of freedom and internal comfort. I’d always felt so desperately lonely and uncomfortable when alone. I decided stay on my own until I got comfortable in my own skin. I was no longer going to search for anyone online or try and connect with anyone sexually for at least a few months. It was really tough at first. It was if a gray cloud had filled my mind. Bleak. Unsettling. In time, it became easier. I eventually grew to love being on my own and preferred a relationship that enhanced my life rather than complete it.

For many it can be challenging facing time alone in the beginning. Quiet time is especially tough, if you’re used to distractions and have maintained a life based around noise or avoiding your thoughts and feelings. At times it can be painfully boring and uncomfortable.

There is value in being autonomous, such as feeling more self reliant, being comfortable in ones own skin, feeling less desperate and needy, and feeling okay when by yourself. You might feel also feel more confident.

You might consider working on developing a friendship or loving relationship with yourself. Become one’s own best friend. This can includes positive self talk, learning to like/love yourself, your body, and who you are. Even getting to know yourself better. Most people don’t know, like or truly love themselves.

An important step to take that can help with handling the development of autonomy is paying attention or mindfulness. When you start spending time alone, you’ll want to notice thoughts and feelings that come up as well as how you react to them. There will be a pull to fall back on old habits. Staying with the quiet or on your own for a little longer each time will help. Meditating is something that will also help focus the mind and help you handle being quiet. Journaling is a positive thing to do at this time, taking note of thoughts/feelings/struggles/discomfort/anxiety/fears, etc.