High Self-Esteem: Get some

Posted on March 09, 2015 by Tim Peterson, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Children need certain things when growing up in order to develop a healthy emotional base. Things needed include positive loving attention, limits and boundaries, support, validation and to feel that they are heard and that they matter. Not getting this kind of attention will have an impact on a child’s self-image, self worth and self esteem.

Negative impacts on self-esteem development: Abuses of all kinds while growing up will have a negative impact on self-esteem. These include verbal, mental, emotional, physical and sexual abuse, as well as neglect.

Being ignored or neglected by a caretaker while growing up will cause a person to question their self worth. He/She might ask why they aren’t worth getting to know or why they don’t seem to matter.

Being bullied will impact self esteem whether it’s by a parent, family member, sibling or peer. It can cause feelings of helplessness and hopleness as well as feelings of shame and embarrassment.

How does low self-esteem manifest in one’s life? A person won’t believe he/she is as capable of any kind of success. Won’t feel deserving of better things in life such as acceptance into a good college, a great job, a healthy relationship, financial success, etc. He/she will not feel worthy of the better things in life and will generally set their sites lower. He/she may settle for partners that are not as attractive as they’d prefer because it’s better than being alone. They don’t particularly like themselves or love themselves.

High self esteem people expect the best and know they are worthy of it. They expect to get into great colleges. They get involved with people with similar outlooks on life. They expect to succeed. They expect to get the best jobs, a high salary, the raise they worked hard to earn. They feel comfortable in their own skin. They are at ease in all social situations whether at a party talking to strangers or a family get together. They don’t settle for just anybody, rather than be alone. They feel good about themselves, like, even love themselves. Most people don’t have a clue about what it’s like to actually love oneself.

High self esteem people care little about the views and thoughts of others. They have an internal locus of control. They aren’t impacted by the look of a stranger. They aren’t concerned about how a stranger or even a family member perceives them. They don’t put people on a pedestal but they don’t look down on people either.

Ex. At the checkout line: I was on the checkout line one day feeling uncomfortable thinking I should make small talk with the cashier. It dawned on me that I cared too much about what this stranger thought and felt compelled to say something or get her to like me on some level. I didn’t know her and would probably never see her again but I cared about what she thought or how she viewed me. Because of that experience, I decided to work on being more genuine. If I wasn’t in the mood to talk, I didn’t. I also started seeing people as equals, rather someone I had to impress or get to “like” me. Over time, I began to feel more true to my feelings. If I felt crummy or angry, I didn’t “pretend” everything was rosy and put on a phony smiling face. I also felt a lot less fear around people, including authority figures. I no longer cared about what they thought of me. Being true to my feelings helped me feel more confident and more genuine.

Some ideas on building self-esteem

How does one build high self-esteem from a base of lower self worth and a poor self-image? One of the critically important steps is to start paying attention to inner as well as outer self talk. Once low self esteem or a poor self image is ingrained, it is generally perpetuated with negative self talk for years, if not decades, even ones entire life. This makes it particularly difficult to reverse or overcome.

Take some time to start listening to how you talk about yourself. How you react when you make a mistake. Do you call yourself names such as stupid or moron? Do you beat yourself up? Do you express doubt that you will be able to accomplish things? Do you doubt your abilities to succeed or win?

Looking at feelings is important as well. Do you express doubt or have a pessimistic outlook on life or your abilities? Are you negative or cynical? Do you feel like you don’t deserve? Are you worried or anxious a lot? Do you dislike or even hate yourself?

The more time you spend paying attention to your self talk and thoughts, the better. This will be your opportunity to refute negative self talk. You will also have the opportunity to start utilizing positive even loving self talk.

Ex: How I talked to myself: I was doing something minor one day and made a mistake. I immediately called myself stupid. I suddenly realized that this is how I talked to myself when I made minor mistakes. I also recalled how my father used to talk to us when we’d make mistakes in front of him which included being called stupid or morons. I had perpetuated this outlook for over 20 years, digging a deeper and deeper groove in my grey matter as the years went by. I had learned to communicate that way toward myself from my father and had repeated it for decades. From then on I started watching very closely how I talked to myself. Because of the effort I made to pay attention to my reactions and internal dialogue, I almost never call myself names or beat myself up when I make a mistake anymore.

Focus on the good. This will help you become more clear about your good, even great traits. It will also feel good. Writing them, journaling or making lists will help you to see them more clearly in black and white. Things you can write about include good things or good deeds you’ve done for others and positive aspects of your personality. You can list positive things you like about yourself such as being generous, a hard worker, loving toward siblings or animals, concerned about the planet, a good caretaker of an elder, sibling or friend, a good listener, a good athlete or a volunteer who gives back to the community or helps the needy.

Stop doing things that don’t feel good/right. If you are taking actions that don’t feel right to you, your integrity will be in question as well as your self image. Your feelings about yourself will start to improve if you “stop” doing things that don’t feel good, and every change counts. These actions can include discontinuing cheating, lying, sneaking, stealing, being lazy, doing just enough to get by, acting out, being cruel toward pets, family members, school mates etc., bullying, verbal abuse toward anyone and losing your temper to name a few.

Start doing things that feel right/good. A big part of self esteem building includes doing things you feel good, proud, even great about. These can include doing volunteer work, helping around the house, helping friends/family/etc, facing challenges, facing fears, trying . Getting better grades. Being nice or kind. Trying things you’re uncomfortable doing.

Trying vs. Winning: Self esteem can be improved by simply trying. While many will feel that only winning equals success, “trying” can be just as valuable when it comes to self esteem building. Doing something you’d ordinarily be afraid to try. Getting out of your comfort zone. Facing fears. Pushing yourself. Being willing to look silly. Doing something that helps you to feel alive. All of these things will help build confidence regardless of taking a first place prize.

Being real or true to yourself and your feelings. Many of us pretend. It takes energy to pretend and doesn’t feel genuine. We laugh at things we don’t think are funny in order to avoid hurting feelings. We put on a facade when things aren’t going well to avoid burdening others with our problems. We make small talk with strangers to avoid the discomfort of an awkward silence. In short, we are afraid to be true to our feelings. Being real-takes time to learn, especially if you’ve “pretended” most of you life.

Putting on a happy face when you’re not happy. Many people feel that being sad or down is a burden to those around them, so they put on a happy face and pretend everything is alright. Being genuine about how you feel doesn’t ’t mean you’re a downer with family, friends, coworkers or clients. A more effective approach is to be honest about feeling weird or sad and get it out in the open. It lets people know where you stand. You don’t have to pretend. It also opens up opportunities for support and it can feel good to vent a little. No need for disingenous pretending. It’s about being real and true to your feelings.

The value of setting boundaries and being true to your needs. There is value in setting limits in relationships. It’s another way of being true to yourself rather than compromising your needs and getting taken advantage of. Most people will sacrifice their needs in a relationship because they are afraid of controntiation. It is easier to just give in. Feelings get stuffed and eventually build up. We eventually start to dislike our partners or relationships because we’re not getting our needs met. We also begin to dislike ourselves for being too weak to stand up for our rights. Family members, partners and co-workers are just a few people we can start to set limits with. It’s empowering and feels more genuine. Standing up for oneself feels good and helps develop self confidence and a stronger self image.