Putting the Ocean in a Box

Posted on February 10, 2015 by Joel Sinclair, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

“Is it weird that after talking to you for 2 hours, I feel more comfortable in being a woman than I have in 10 years, or maybe ever? Do you get that a lot?”

Yes, actually, in my practice I hear this a lot.

This quote is particular to a single, vibrant woman, but it’s quite indicative of the feedback that I get from women, both single and not, and I can’t help but examine why it is that women feel uncomfortable with simply living, being and accepting who they are at a deep, soul level – or worse yet, that there is a fundamental misunderstanding about what it truly means to be “feminine”.

Being a relationship expert, I do know that there is massive dysfunction out there in the world when it comes to the majority of our relationships, but because this feedback is coming from both single and attached women, it occurred to me that it isn’t simply a byproduct of relationships, but rather, it’s filtering down into all of our lives in some other insidious way – and it’s highly damaging to both men and women.

In my practice it’s become obvious to me that, for the most part, men in our society are, or have become, increasingly lost in what it means to truly be “masculine”. Many men are confused as to their role, not only in their relationships, but in the world as well. Lack of purpose, conflicting messages, no guidance or powerful role models and modern relationship dynamics that are simply confusing have led to a kind of “neutralization” and weakening of the masculine spirit. Men no longer know their place or what it actually means to be masculine, and as a result, relationships, and women, suffer. A large portion of my time in my practice is dedicated to this aspect of relationships and in helping women to have patience, compassion and understanding for modern men and to assist them in relearning the lost art of being masculine.

But in this feedback that I’ve been getting lately, it’s surprising to see that even though there are many resources available today to empower women, there’s a corresponding fear, confusion and misunderstanding of what it means to truly live as a feminine being in today’s world. It seems that, along with female empowerment, there also became a corresponding shame or neutralization in the free expression of the true feminine aspect, both dark and light.

And so, today, I’m consistently getting the message from women that they are afraid of actually being feminine. They are petrified to express their deep feminine aspect, and in most cases, view it as a hindrance and a detriment, or even worse, as something to be ashamed of.

And this shame is perpetuated by women just as much as men.

Some of you may not like to hear this, or may be offended by it, but women today are typically better at being men than men are. This is a direct result of feminism, and even though it has empowered women tremendously, it’s also had the unexpected result of confusing both genders as to what their true roles are in terms of relational dynamics, and relationships have suffered as a result.

In addition to this, our obsession with consistently encouraging anything that we perceive as “light” or “good” or of a “higher vibration”, and demonizing, avoiding and ultimately suppressing that which we feel is “dark” or “bad” or of a “lower vibration” contributes greatly to the issue at hand. In our constant quest to be “better people” we consistently try to avoid or stuff down anything that we judge to be “bad” and encourage or move towards what we deem is “good”, and while, at first blush, this seems to be a fine idea, what this does is rip the guts out of life and out of our relationships – and it hinders both the masculine and the feminine in our lives. However, it also has the more detrimental effect of causing women to feel they cannot truly and authentically express who they are and how they feel from moment to moment to moment.

In my experience, over time, this suppression of authentic feminine expression is encouraged through the weakness of other women just as much as through the weakness of men.

Let me explain.

The core essence of our feminine aspect is motion and emotion, and this is made manifest in many ways, both dark and light. However, throughout our lives, and as human beings, we tend shy away from experiences and emotions that we deem as “bad” and move towards experiences and emotions that we feel are “good.” Even in spiritual circles where everyone is gesturing towards the betterment of all mankind, there’s a labeling of certain emotions or activities as “low vibration” and others as “high vibration.” In addition to that, in our relational experiences with other people, we are shown by their reactions, responses and words how the things we do and say fit into these categories for the people around us. These never ending messages that we receive from others can be hugely detrimental to our growth and unfolding, and for people born with a feminine aspect, it can be catastrophic, as their true heart’s bliss is to live life, overflowing and unfettered.

The feminine in all of us deeply desires to authentically express itself through the full spectrum of light and dark, and feel absolutely safe in doing so. However, the weak masculine and feminine that we encounter throughout our lives consistently and constantly tries to shut down this full expression and/or avoid it. Over time, this causes a suppression of the feminine spirit, and for women in general, this is painful and often confusing – yet they simply accept that this is how life is and that they are destined to exist with a deep sense of unhappiness and unfulfillment, and an inability to fully express themselves completely.

Ultimately, this causes them to feel highly uncomfortable in simply being a woman.

And these negative messages can come whether it is in response to a light/good expression of the feminine or a dark/bad expression of the feminine.

In the end it seems like there is no way to win other than to suppress how you feel and act more like a “man.”

Here’s a few examples of these negative messages:

- How many times have you, as a woman, been made fun of by your partner for simply expressing your feminine aspect? Such as how long it takes to get ready, or the fact you fret over what to wear, or even that you have so many shoes?

- How many times in society have we been told, through multiple messages, and mostly by other women, that celebrating women’s physical beauty is a bad thing? Or that women who focus on and enhance their own beauty are “shallow?”

- How many times have we been told that “real women” are average or larger, implying that skinny women aren’t “real women?”

- How many times have you heard that “women are too chaotic” or that “women cause too much drama?” (Interestingly, it is typically women that I hear this from, as they subsequently tell me that they “prefer to spend time with men.”)

- How many times have you heard that a woman’s value should be measured primarily in how well she succeeds in meeting and/or exceeding men in traditional masculine roles?

- How many times have you been called “crazy” for simply expressing your feelings?

- How many times have you heard other women judge other women for simply how they dress or how they act or choose to express themselves? “oh, she’s a slut, she sleeps with anyone”, “oh, look at how she is dressed, that looks terrible” – along with the dreaded “look” and subsequent quick whispered exchange behind hands. This negatively affects not only the one being talked about, but also the ones doing the talking.

- “What are you crying about? There’s nothing to cry about!”, “Why are you mad? There’s nothing to be mad about!”… “Enough, I can’t take you anymore, I’m out of here.” Heard any of those?

- How many times have people moved away from you, avoided you or removed themselves from your presence in order to avoid your full intensity?

This is only a small example of the negative messages women consistently and constantly get for simply expressing their feminine aspect, and I’m sure you can all think of hundreds more.

As we grow through our lives, we receive these messages and we feel bad, both as men and women. And so, because we tend to avoid the bad and promote the good, we integrate these things in a negative way, letting them limit the true expression of our feminine. And in the case for women, not only do these types of messages themselves cause them to feel that they should not be feminine, but these messages also make them feel a deep pain inside of themselves, which causes them to suppress their own intensity and full expression out of fear of eliciting these types of responses.

Ultimately, they feel that in order to fit in they need to suppress being a woman and become more masculine – which results in a deep seated discomfort and unease around simply being a woman.

As a society, and as conscious men and women, we need to stop sending these types of messages and fully embrace and encourage the full spectrum of feminine expression. We need to stop suppressing the feminine, not only in our intimate relationships, but also in our society as a whole.

And as women, always remember that no matter how other’s weaknesses cause them to respond, your full intensity as a woman is beautiful, and it is normal.

Revel in it. Express it. Be proud of it.

It is your gift to the world.