There is no 'I' in 'You': Tips for Better Communication.

Posted on September 27, 2010 by Nicole Burley, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

One of the most spectacularly misused tools for communication is the process known as ‘Telling Someone How I Feel’. It sounds simple enough, right? We think, ‘This is how I feel, and now I’m going to tell it to you’. But that’s not always what we end up doing. More often than not, we end up telling people what we THINK – of them – and we proffer it forth as our ‘feelings’.

Tip #1: Your opinions are NOT your feelings.

When you share your opinion with someone under the guise of sharing how you FEEL….it usually doesn’t end well. The person on the receiving end of your opinion uuuuusually ends up feeling judged, labeled, and attacked – and the whole conversation completely tanks. One person is left shrugging, “Hey – I’m just telling you how I feel” – and the other person is left to tersely sputter, “Well, I’m sorry you feel that way”. Totally unsatisfying all the way around, right?

EXAMPLE: If you say to someone, “I feel that you are really obnoxious,” – that’s an opinion. No – really – it is. That tells the other person what you THINK of him, but doesn’t bring him any closer to knowing YOU and how you FEEL. If you say, “I feel embarrassed when you raise your voice to our waiter,” – that’s sharing how you feel. And when you share your actual feelings, without labeling the other person as obnoxious, that person is freed up to hear what you’re really trying to say. Because he does not have to defend himself from being called ‘obnoxious’. This other person then has a choice to make, based on what you’ve shared. He can either choose to consider your feelings in the future and make an effort to speak nicely to the waiter….or he can choose not to. Which leads us to…..

Tip #2: You cannot dictate the outcome of your communication with anyone, nor can you control anyone else’s behavior.

Sooo frustrating, right? But it’s the truth. Let’s say you have a friend who is chronically late. It ticks you off and you have had enough. You would like this friend to stop being late when she meets you.

Well, let’s just accept right now that you are not going to be able to MAKE your friend not be late anymore. That’s going to be all on her – because it is her body that is moving too slowly to be on time, and it is her brain that is making the choices that keep her late for her commitments. Until you develop the sci-fi ability to operate her brain and her body, you will not be able to change anything about her. Sad, but true.

Now that that’s out of the way, what are your options in regards to her undesirable behavior? I would submit that, barring the idea of refusing to make plans with her anymore – which you might eventually do – you could try telling her how her behavior impacts you, and see how she responds.

Here’s where things tend to go screwy.

The tendency is to say something along the lines of this:

“Ya know – you’re always late when we have plans and I feel like it’s really inconsiderate. I’m always on time, and I just feel like it’s rude that you’re not. I feel like I don’t want to make plans with you anymore unless you can swear that you’re going to be on time”.

Sooo, to recap, in case you missed it, you have just called your friend inconsiderate and rude – and then you threatened her – all while sharing absolutely nothing about your actual feelings. No – it’s true! – that’s what just happened! You gave her your OPINION of her behavior – it’s rude and inconsiderate – but you said nothing about how you FEEL in response to it.

And, though I don’t know your friend, my best guess is that she will respond by either:

A) Arguing with you and getting nit-picky about her ‘always’ being late.
B) Telling YOU that you are mean and controlling – and possibly providing other examples.
C) Apologizing and pledging to do better – but then fuming and stewing at you forever after, for trying to be the boss of her.

Here’s what might have worked better. You might have said:
_
“I’ve noticed that the last three times we’ve made plans, you were about 10-15 minutes late. When you’re late like that, I feel inconvenienced and unimportant because I showed up when we said we would show up and you weren’t there. I felt left hanging and I don’t like feeling that way. Could you please consider my feelings more on the days when we have plans? I value our friendship and our time together so much.”_

Now, that may sound like an overly-cheesy mouthful to spit out on the sidewalk – and I don’t recommend reading it off a card – but consider what you’re really doing here, and then make it your own. In speaking to your friend this way, you stuck with YOU and YOUR feelings (inconvenienced, unimportant_) without labeling your friend as rude and inconsiderate. You stated the facts (the last three times we met…_), instead of making a blanket statement (you’re always late). And you asked for a consideration of your feelings moving forward, rather than threatening to pull out of the friendship if she didn’t change.

Honestly? You’ve done all you can do. The ball is now officially in the other person’s court. Whatever happens next – whether she continues to be late, or is early forever more – is going to be INFORMATION for you about the limits and capabilities of this particular friend. Nothing more, nothing less. Based on the results, YOU then have the choice to continue to subject yourself to the ‘offending’ behavior, or to shift your friendship elsewhere. Sometimes, the best way to ‘change’ someone else’s behavior is to simply remove yourself from the line of fire. Boom. Problem solved. You can only control yourself!
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Tip #3: More “I”, less “YOU”.*

When you’re trying to communicate how you feel to another person, the best tip I can think of is to use the words “I feel” as much as possible and the words “that YOU” as little as possible. For example:

Saying, “_I feel hurt_” is probably going to be more successful than saying, “_I feel THAT YOU are hurtful_”.

Saying, “_I feel lonely_” is more appropriate than saying, “_I feel THAT YOU are really cold_”.

Saying,“_I feel invisible and unheard,” is more accurate and useful than saying, “_I feel THAT YOU are an aggressive, bullying meanie”.

When you stick solely to your feelings and your experience, you leave room for the other person to authentically respond – because she’s hearing about YOU, not her. Tell someone how YOU FEEL, instead of how lousy THEY ARE and you might be surprised by the softening that occurs in the other person.