Divorce — Lessons learned the hard way

Posted on December 16, 2014 by Maria Tomas-Keegan, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

For those of you who know me or have been following me on my new journey, you know that I’ve been through a lot of transitions in my life, including divorce—twice.

As I think about what I learned from those divorce experiences, I recognize how those lessons have served me well. They came in handy as I faced the loss of my parents (I considered my Mom to be my best friend and I was definitely my Pop’s girl) and the loss of a dear friend (whom I considered to be my oldest brother). I relied on my lessons when I was unexpectedly laid off from my long-time career position, being forced into early retirement and then chose to reinvent myself for the next chapter in my life.

I thought that, if I share some of these lessons with you, they will serve as a reminder to me as I face my next major transformation, and they may help you in your personal journey after divorce or other life transition.

As I look back, it’s clear to me now that many of these lessons are common sense, but as I was going through my own personal trauma of divorce, none of these lessons were in my consciousness — some were not even in the realm of possibility at the time.

Lesson 1 — We are not meant to do this divorce stuff alone.

The last thing I wanted at the time was the company of friends and family, and I certainly did not want to reach out for professional help. I actually kept the news of the separation from my first husband a secret from my family for 6 months! All I could do was cry and feel really bad about myself. I certainly didn’t want to share my grief and despair with anyone.

If I kept to myself maybe I could deny what was happening. If I talked about it, I would have to face the reality of my situation. So I went to work every day, buried myself in it pretending to be fine then came straight home to the emptiness of the apartment and my lonely, broken heart.

The same questions repeated in my head … What did I do wrong? How could I have saved my marriage? What is wrong with me? How will I ever be able to trust anyone again?

When I realized that I was getting nowhere trying to answer those questions on my own, when I was tired of being tired, when I was exhausted from lying to myself and those who cared about me, I came clean.

It was hard and it took going to the brink of depression but, I finally reached out. First to a mentor who helped me figure out how to break the news to my family, then to my family (most of whom were very supportive), then to my friends (all of whom collectively became my safety net) and finally to a professional (who helped me realize there was nothing wrong with me and that I was not alone—that lots of people have gone through divorce and survived, even thrived).

I felt an enormous weight lifted from my chest as I got the support I needed. I began to sort through my feelings of inadequacy and hopelessness, as I talked with people who knew what I was feeling and assured me it would not last forever. I was not alone.

Lesson 2 — There is no shame in divorce.

Being divorced once was bad enough to admit. The last thing I wanted was to admit that I was divorced TWICE. Consequently, I stayed in an abusive relationship for five years longer than I should have. It was difficult to come to terms with the fact that my first husband cheated on me. Coming to terms with the fact that I was an abused woman by my second husband was impossible, at first.

It was verbal and emotional abuse to start and I knew it was wrong and it hurt to the core but I just didn’t believe enough in myself or believe that I could make it without him. There are a lot of things that went on in that relationship which make no sense to me now — in fact, I can’t even really explain to you what I saw in him. But he was there when I was bouncing back from my first divorce, he made me feel worthy of love again and he wined and dined me and bought me nice things. Pretty heady stuff for a late 20-something living alone in New York City.

Then things changed for him. His career took several turns for the worse. He became depressed. I was making more money. My career was taking off and I was starting to travel. Over the next several years the relationship turned very turbulent. He was jealous and started acting out. It became physical. First with our pets — which stirred me to action immediately. No one can hurt my “kids” and get away with it. Then he turned on me — more than once. At first I blamed myself. Finally I realized it was all him. I do not know where I found the courage to call the police but I did. And that was my turning point, from which there was no turning back.

When we are faced with a situation that is toxic for us, when it is totally devoid of respect and common decency, we need to make a change. Whether we spent too long in the situation or it has just started — if it is not going to get any better and you KNOW this in your heart — get out. It took a long time for me — my friends wonder how I was able to stay under those conditions for so long. There is no shame in divorce. The shame is in not having enough self-respect and self-worth to continue to live a life that you do not deserve.

We all deserve the best this life has to offer. And it is time that we start to believe that.

Lesson 3 — “What makes you think you can turn an apple into an orange?”

I’m not proud of this but, I spent years trying to change things in my life that were not in my power to change. And, what’s worse is, I didn’t even realize I was doing that. I tried so hard to change things to get a different reaction or outcome and nothing changed. He didn’t have any more respect for me no matter what I did. No matter how nice I was to him, no matter how far out of my way I went to do something that I thought he would appreciate, ultimately the final outcome was always the same.

In an effort to save the second marriage, we agreed to go to counseling. Sometimes together, which was a disaster — he either lied or said what he thought the therapist wanted to hear.

The therapy really helped me when I went alone, though. It was in one of those sessions that my therapist said to me, “What makes you think you can turn an apple into an orange?” WOW. That hit home — hard. I realized that I was trying to make him and our life together into something that it could never become. I was wasting my time and energy on a fruitless mission. I was losing myself in the process.

Today I like to remind myself of a prayer my Grandmother taught me when I was a little girl. I wish I had remembered it while I was so busy trying to change things so my second marriage would not end in divorce. This is the prayer; perhaps you recognize it:

God, grant me
The Serenity to accept the things I cannot Change,
the Courage to change the things I can, and
the Wisdom to know the difference.

If you are still struggling to find yourself after divorce, remember that you are not alone and you don’t have to go through this difficult journey alone — reach out for the support you need. Don’t feel ashamed because you deserve better. No matter what your story is about, you deserve to be happy and only you can make the choice to live your life in happiness. And, if you are working yourself to the bone trying to change things that are not in your power to change, let it go.

Find your own Inner Wisdom and decide to live your life on your terms, not someone else’s.

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