How to Accept Others at Face Value

Posted on November 05, 2014 by Elana Brazile, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

Sometimes I think my cat, Seamus, came into my life to be my teacher. I know it sounds crazy, but I have found to such wisdom in examining our interactions and watching his behavior. This week Seamus held class yet once again.

A while back I shared in my post, Seamus – Professor of Patience, the long journey of building a our relationship. And while we are close and share a ritual of bonding each night before I fall asleep, each day with Seamus is different. Some days, I don’t see him all day. He retreats to one of the bedrooms and plays the hermit. Other days, he will sit at my side while I work at my desk and occasionally push his nose against my hand to tell me he wants me to stop typing and live him love. At night he will occasionally stretch out on my chest and knead my night clothes. A lot of nights, he sits primly on my chest with a posture that stretches him tall and issues a royal indict commanding me to lovingly stroke his fur.

And that’s when it hit me! I don’t extend that courtesy to the human beings in my life. I fuss at their intentions. Make assumptions about them, usually the worst case assumptions. And then I take that assumed intention personally, growing irritated and offended.

So what would it take for me to take for me to take people at face value – to accept them where they are in that moment. No judgement, no feeling hurt or let down. Just a plain, simple, “OK, this is where you are right now. It doesn’t change how I perceive you.” It reminded me of two of the concepts shared in the book The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

- Don’t Take Things Personally
Fate isn’t out to get us. And, more often than not, how another person interacts with us has nothing to do with us. Their reactions are based on their life at that moment; the way they look at their world and the beliefs from which they operate.

When Seamus doesn’t want to interact in his most affection manner, It doesn’t have anything to do with me. Most of the time, when he is in that mood, I haven’t seen much of him that day. His mood could be based on how the change in weather is affecting his joints. Or perhaps Rudy, my other cat, or Lila, my dog, have played too aggressively and now Seamus is over-stimulated.

The fact is I don’t know what motivates the swing in Seamus’ mood. And I absolutely don’t know what is going on in an other human’s life that drives their behaviors. Many of these people I don’t see every day or even every week. Even those I see every day, I don’t spend twenty-four hours a day with them. I don’t know everything that is going on with them. So, tell me, how is taking their reactions to me personally rational?

- Don’t Make Assumptions
Everyday we make assumptions about events, people, and the world. Too often we take those assumptions and run with them as if they were proven facts. We respond to people assuming the worst of intent from them.

I could assume on those days when Seamus would rather hide behind my bed that curl up on my lap while I relax on the couch that he is relapsing into who he was when he first moved in with us. Or I could assume he hates me. Everyday we make those assumptions about the people in our lives.

These assumptions drive our behaviors and give rise to misunderstandings. And in the end lead us to further take things personally, creating a viscous cycle.

So perhaps, it would be a good idea to take our friends, our families and all the people in our lives at face value. Perhaps if we did, our relationships would be very different in a very positive way.