Evolving Expectations
Posted on November 01, 2014 by Diantha Boardman, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.
Expectations tend to color our perception of how the world works and what we believe is possible. Our attachment to expectations leads to suffering.
All of us have ideas about who we’ll be and what our lives will look like by the time we enter our 30’s. Some women see themselves as being married with kids or with a baby on the way; other women picture themselves climbing the corporate ladder or starting their own business, but our expectations about our lives don’t always match up to the reality we arrive at.
An expectation is essentially a belief you hold about how you think various things will turn out in the future. You have expectations about yourself, your relationships, your career, your socioeconomic status, etc. Take a moment and think about all the plans you have for your future. Make a list if you’d like (a useful exercise for promoting greater self-awareness).
Expectations can be good or bad but either way, they color our perception of how the world works and what we believe is possible. As we grow up, our expectations about how our lives will progress are influenced by our parents, society, and most importantly, by our own ideas about what will make us happiest.
For example, your parents may expect you to achieve a certain level of education or pursue a certain career path; society might influence you to conform to unrealistic expectations of female body image standards; and you may have your own expectations about how you plan to make your life dreams come true. These ideas about what you believe your life will become have a direct influence on your happiness.
While having expectations can help us carve out a desirable path for ourselves and give our lives focus, they also set us up for shock and disappointment if reality doesn’t measure up. I experienced this first hand not that long ago.
As you may already know if you’ve read the About section of my website, I haven’t always been a Happiness Coach. Ever since I was about 7 years old, I’ve wanted to be a therapist. I never had a doubt in my mind that I was destined for that role and that it would give me a fulfilling, meaningful, and spiritually rewarding life. But once I actually became employed in the mental health field, I realized that my expectations about what it would be like were far too optimistic and I found myself miserable and suddenly stuck.
After a great deal of self-analysis, I came to understand that I wanted to do more than treat illness; I wanted to help people overcome self-doubt and perceived limitations to exceed their own potential. While it was difficult to modify and expand the expectation I had about my identity as a therapist, it ultimately led me to a deeper understanding of myself, and inspired me to become a Happiness Coach which is much more in harmony with my life values.
Anyway, my point is this:It is not the expectations themselves, but rather our attachments to them that lead to suffering.
Think about the last time you experienced a major disappointment in your life. Maybe you didn’t get the promotion or raise you wanted. Maybe the relationship you thought was solid, suddenly ended. Maybe your alarm didn’t go off, your car broke down, your sports team lost, or some friends bailed on your plans last minute. How did you expect things would turn out differently? Why?
The more we cling to these unrealistic expectations, the more disappointment we feel, and the greater we suffer. So why would we keep doing this to ourselves?
Simple: our ego driven brains lead us to believe we’re in control of our destinies and everything should turn out according to our desires. Intellectually, it’s obvious that this logic is flawed but we all have a deep rooted need for control that can override our reasoning skills.
The truth is, we have very little if any control over the events that happen in our lives, so the more you try to control the world around you, the more likely you are to suffer. Super lame, right?
But wait! There’s good news!
While the external world is outside of our control, we do have control over how we think about and respond to what happens to us. This means that even if our circumstances are less than ideal, we have a choice about positively or negatively we decide to let the even effect us. This is why if you’re ever stuck in rush hour traffic you might look over to one side of you and see a fellow driver getting visibly angry and red in the face, while on the other side of you another driver is rocking out to music she clearly enjoys and seems relatively unphased.
Stop trying so hard to control the world around you. Allow yourself to let go of expectations and experience the possibilities and freedom of the present moment.
Lastly I’d like to share this a story from the book “Thoughts Without a Thinker,” by psychiatrist Mark Esptein, which provides a beautiful summation of the impermanent fate of all things:
“You see this goblet?” asks Achaan Chaa, the Thai meditation master. “For me this glass is already broken. I enjoy it; I drink out of it. It holds my water admirably, sometimes even reflecting the sun in beautiful patterns. If I should tap it, it has a lovely ring to it. But when I put this glass on the shelf and the wind knocks it over or my elbow brushes it off the table and it falls to the ground and shatters, I say, ‘Of course.’ When I understand that the glass is already broken, every moment with it is precious.”