Should I Have a 90-Day Rule for Sex?
Posted on September 02, 2014 by Jalaal Aleem Madyun, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Questioning whether it matters how long you wait to have sex? Here are the underlying issues, success measures and my advice for the 90-Day Rule.
I want to give my perspective on the significance of having a 90-day rule before you are willing to have sex.
Underlying Issues
What are the underlying issues that this rule is meant to address?
• For many people, it is a protective measure. It is meant to establish a screening period so that you don’t form a premature attachment to someone who is not good for you or who doesn’t have the same intentions.
• Next, it is connected to image. If you have sex too quickly, there is a risk that you will appear desperate, like you’ll take whatever comes your way and you don’t have any standards.
• The last important point I want to make is that this rule is typically for people who are in search of a connection with long term potential. If you don’t plan on being involved with someone beyond 90 days, then this rule is irrelevant.
Success Measures
Let’s think about the success measures of a 90-day rule. After the 90 days are over, how will you know that the rule has worked?
• The most obvious clue is that they are still in your life. This confirms that they have in interest in you beyond sex and the two of you still enjoy each other’s company despite the absence of sex. For some people, no sex early on is a deal breaker. This rule will single those people out if you are trying to avoid them.
• The next measure is whether they have opened up to you and you trust them. Over the course of 90 days, it is almost assumed that the 2 of you will become closer. By that time, you have both exposed important aspects of yourself and are moving closer to finding out if you are compatible long term.
• Lastly, they believe that you have standards and self-respect. By establishing a rule and sticking to that rule, you are showing that you are selective and your words have integrity. When you mention a standard, you mean it. Your word is everything if you want to be taken seriously rather than played with.
My advice
In general, I don’t like rules because almost every rule I can think of has exceptions. Some rules have so many exceptions that their application is unclear and they can ultimately work against you in many situations.
• Lose the timeline. Every relationship develops differently. You can set a date in stone if you want to, but the point is for you to pay attention to how your relationships end up when you have sex quickly versus waiting longer.
• Keep the principle of waiting until trust is established. I think that sex without a feeling of safety and security is a recipe for disaster. It can leave you with an empty feeling afterwards and you’ll be uneasy about whether you made the correct decision. Almost as if you are asking yourself whether you compromised your value by having sex and if you are truly in search of a real connection, your longing for more will increase because you know there has to be more to life than physical pleasure.
• Strive to set guidelines because it’s what makes you comfortable, not because you are trying to prove a point to others. If your motivation is to prove a point to the person you’re dating rather than to respect your own interests, you are transferring the power to them. In all truth, you can never have complete control over the way someone views you. You can however, control whether you are making comfortable choices.
• Lastly, be conscious of the sex trap. This is when you choose to have sex to fulfill your physical needs and then begin to make exceptions to your standards simply because you want sex. You could end up wasting more time than you planned, only to reach a conclusion that you already know was coming long before you worked up the courage to let it go.
I hope this information was helpful.
Jalaal Aleem Madyun is a certified Life Coach, Dating Coach and Relationship Coach. He is the founder of JAM Life Coaching. Visit JAMLifeCoaching.com for more insightful resources and coaching programs to help you on your journey to perfecting your value.
