IS KINKY SEX CRASS?
Posted on August 07, 2014 by Dawn C Reid, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Is kinky sex crass? There can be many answers to this question because we each have our own beliefs and perceptions. But, should we judge others?
E. L. James’s book trilogy Fifty Shades of Grey, Fifty Shades Darker, and Fifty Shades Freed, made a huge international impact, especially on women. While steamy, hot fantasy novels are nothing new, E.L. James opened the bedroom door, and (literally) turned our minds on to the concept of BDSM (“B&D” = Bondage & Discipline), “D&S” = Dominance & Submission, and “S&M” = sadomasochism). As many readers of the novels are aware, the much talked about movie that is based on the books is slated to be released on February 14th, 2015 (yes, Valentine’s Day). Recently, the controversial trailer hit the Internet and television. The books, and upcoming movie, address sex—lots of unconventional sex. But, it is also a discourse on sexual exploration and a particular male-female relationship between two consenting adults. In addition, it is about two people discovering who they are and what type of person each character wants to be.
Supposedly, there was a lot of negative publicity, especially from American conservative groups, when the trailer was aired on morning television (Today Show and Good Morning America). As reported, the trailer was considered too graphic for morning TV, and young children could potentially be exposed to sexually explicit content. Additionally, some feminist groups state that the movie, book and trailer make it acceptable to “abuse, demoralize, and belittle” women. What is really interesting, I didn’t read too many comments about the physical abuse the hero character Christian experienced as a child, or his being seduced at 15 years old by his mother’s middled aged friend. Nonetheless, this book made millions and appealed to a significant number of women of different ages, social-economic statuses, and backgrounds.
Are people afraid of kinky sex? Does the book promote domestic violence? Is kinky sex crass? There can be many answers to these questions because those who criticize the books have their own agendas and worldviews. You may also have your own personal opinion based on your beliefs about sex. However, it is important to note that the female protagonist, Anastasia Steele, albeit naive, is a willing participant. Both her and Christian Grey, are consenting adults who are in love with each other. In fact, there are a few chapters in the book where Anastasia confirms she enjoys many of the couple’s “unusual” sexual exploits. And, those activities she did not enjoy, they did not do again. Furthermore, Christian never forced Anastasia into activities.
We should also keep in mind that the author is female, and that this is a fan-fiction fantasy. These are not real people, although the book and character’s may tap into a real concept that real people may identify with. I think part of the concern about the books is that we live in a society where people are afraid of sexual exploration. Anything outside of missionary position may be perceived as scary, unnatural, or hedonistic. Just talking about basic (vanilla) sex can be considered a taboo conversation. Also, people tend to sometime condemn what they do not understand. And, unfortunately, not too many people understand BDSM or why some people actively participate and enjoy this sexual experience.
As a relationship success expert, I believe that couples should feel comfortable exploring their sexual natures together. After all, sex can be fun, pleasurable, and relaxing. It helps couples build trust, and solidify intimate feelings. Sex is a great stress reliever. Not to mention, none of us would be here without it. Did I mention it can be really fun? As such, sex is a natural activity that humans experience in unique ways according to individual preferences. Sex is both recreational and procreation-focused. Yes, sexual activities can be extreme and intensity can span the spectrum. As long as sex is safe, consensual, between adults, and beneficial for both people, sex in its varied forms is healthy. Too often I work with couples or individuals who are afraid to talk about what they like, do not like, or what they sexually want to try with a partner. I think not communicating your fantasies, sexual needs and preferences is more unhealthy than using handcuffs. Even if you do not understand or are uninterested in “kinky” sex, what those in the BDSM lifestyle strongly promote and live by is that the submissive (the one being dominated) has all control. He or she dictates the scene and what he or she wants to experience.
I would like to end this article on a special note: I am not advocating or promoting any specific sexuality. My goal is to present an objective perspective. What is important, however, is that consideration about any form of sexual activity you participate in–kinky or traditional sex–is doing what is comfortable for you, being safe, and ultimately not causing harm to your partner or yourself.
