DIFFERENT HAT, SAME HEAD?

Posted on July 29, 2014 by Iris Arenson-Fuller, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Different hat, same head? Or perhaps, Different head, but same hat?

Are you confused about what I mean? Have you ever worked on making some kind of big change in your life, but you slid back into the same old ways pretty quickly? Was it weight loss you were working on? Were you trying to find a way to improve communications with your spouse or partner, or with your kids? Were you plugging away at finding some great new ideas, and maybe a new focus for your business?

So what happened along the way? Did you start out full of inspiration and energy? Did you jump in and read a hundred different articles about how to make the changes you wanted to create? Did you stay up all night watching How-To videos on You-Tube?

Did you rush out to the store, if weight loss was your number one goal, and stock up on all of the latest, hottest fat-burning foods? Is your fridge full of kale and green smoothie makings, and your shelves filled with flaxseed, whey protein and other goodies?

Did you convene a family meeting and announce a whole overhaul of the way things were going to operate in your house? Did you post a list of new rules?

If the big changes you had in mind were for your business, did you jump in and write up all the new things that were going to happen soon, and busily begin posting your new programs and projects on social media, expecting everyone to take notice immediately and to respond by seeking you out?

Then what? Did your enthusiasm for your new diet gradually diminish? Did you throw up your hands in disgust and give up when your spouse, partner or kids ignored your great ideas and suggestions, and said they were lame? Did you revert to what you always did before? (Yelling, or sarcasm? Self-pity for how misunderstood or unappreciated you always are? Retreating and sulking?)

Did you wonder why nobody was jumping up and down to take you up on your new business ideas, when maybe you didn’t the time to fully examine your goals, your niche, your target market, and what comes across about you to that market? Did you stop to consider if you are really offering or proposing something new and different, or just more of the same, couched in different language?

Change is rarely easy. Sometimes it is agonizing and scary. Change comes from the inside out, or it won’t stick. It comes from taking a hard look in the mirror. It comes from examining your own attitudes and belief systems in the cold light of day, no matter how painful. It comes from understanding what has to be different in order to reach your goals and from wanting them badly enough to take some risks, or to make some sacrifices and compromises. Sometimes it comes from shaking up the very foundations of your life and maybe even questioning who you are, and what you have done in the past.

If you don’t change what’s in your head, what you believe, and don’t confront your personal obstacles head on, you are most likely wasting your time and setting yourself up for failure. So it does little good if you buy yourself a new hat, but what’s underneath stays just the same as it has always been. All the bows, feathers and frills on your new hat won’t matter. People around you might be taken in at first, but they will quickly see that it’s the same old you, doing the same old things, no matter how you dress it up to fool them, or to fool yourself.

If you have made some significant, meaningful changes you might even find that few people see them because they are too accustomed to the old you. They hear you sounding different, and acting differently, but they can’t get past the worn, dirty old baseball cap you have worn for ten years. Sometimes that is their problem, and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it, except keep on acting in a way that is true and consistent with your values, beliefs and goals. Sometimes, though, you might need a clean, brightly colored new hat to complement your new head!

Think it over, then, and if any of this applies to you, how will you begin the overhaul? What is motivating you to make changes? Are you tired of how things are? Are you hurting too much? Are you stuck in a rut? Don’t waste your time buying the new hat till you have done something about what is underneath that hat. Then, if you like, you can reward yourself with a new chapeau!

Iris Arenson-Fuller is a trained and credentialed personal life coach, who specializes in all types of loss and grief, and helping people through hard times and big life changes.

She also specializes in helping the adoption community of adoptees, adoptive parents and birthparents, with all adoption and loss issues.