10 Rules of Communication 101
Posted on July 11, 2014 by Christine Ryan, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Use in Case of Conflict!
Conflict and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship—the only way to “avoid conflict” (as so many people say they try to do), is to live alone on a deserted island. But disagreements don’t have to be fights, they don’t have to be destructive, and can actually strengthen your relationship if done right. When someone tells me they got in a fight with their partner, I can bet it got nasty and totally unproductive because nobody followed the Rules of Communication 101. Try these:
1. Set the stage: make a date to have a “staff meeting”. Set aside a time when kids don’t need a ride to soccer, it’s not late at night, alcohol is put away, and you can be uninterrupted.
2. Have only one person speak at a time. If you have to do something like having only the person holding a stick speak, then do it.
3. Be clear about what’s on the agenda—identify and stick to the one subject that brought you to the staff meeting.
4. No editorializing—follows #3. Editorializing is when the trailers get hitched to your sentence, for example “I was really upset when you arrived 30 minutes late to the restaurant, just like you did last New Year’s and on my birthday, and just like your mother does, and I know she does that because she doesn’t like me, and why don’t you ever stick up for me with her….”
5 No mind reading —“I know exactly what you’re going to do because I know how your mind works”. Really? You do?
6. Use “I” statements, not “you” statements. If you start with “you”, it will deteriorate quickly into : you always…,you never…, you did that because…what’s the matter with you—-and the other person will just be planning their defense, not listening to you. Use instead: I want…, I need…, I feel…, I insist…, I’m willing to …, I’m not willing to…
7. Use common courtesy! No name calling, no blackmail, no threats, no shouting, no cussing, no stone- walling.
8. Don’t agree to things you don’t agree to.
9. Stick to the 15 minute rule—-if you don’t have your problem resolved in 15 minutes, call a time out and arrange to come back to it later. After about fifteen minutes, people in conflict start to get angry and frustrated and start breaking all these rules. And that is unproductive.
10. Wrap it up and clarify what has been learned about the situation and what has been decided on and agreed to, have apology given and accepted, and then shake on it.
You can’t dodge the annoyances and irritants and little betrayals that happen when you share your life with someone, but you can keep them from escalating into something huge and damaging to the relationship. Just keep a spirit and attitude of respect and friendship that is the cornerstone of every healthy relationship. And try to find a little humor somewhere in the discussion—lighten up!
