Stuck on Mr. Wrong
Posted on December 15, 2009 by Hadley Earabino, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.
One client of mine had been dating men who were unavailable--either emotionally distant, geographically removed or married--all her adult life.
A few weeks back, US Weekly ran a cover story with the title “Stuck on Mr. Wrong” stamped across the faces of Jennifer Anniston and Jessica Simpson. The article went on to describe how a relationship with John Mayer proved to be a destructive and addictive process for both women. While tabloid stories may or may not be true, they are a source of public fascination because readers see a mirror of their own lives played out on the stage of celebrity. I have several clients right now who are “stuck on Mr. Wrong,” and it is comforting to them to see they are not alone.
So how do we go about changing things for women who are stuck on men who reject and abuse them?
The first thing to do is NOTICE. One client of mine had been dating men who were unavailable, either emotionally distant, geographically removed or married to someone else, all her adult life. It wasn’t until she was nearing 50 that she realized her pattern. Working with a coach helps clients to notice what is really going on. Once you see the problem, you can work towards a solution. In a session, this sounds something like, “What the hell is going on here?” That’s a good sign. It means a client is getting ready to make some changes!
The next thing to do is discover what psychologist Harville Hendrix calls your Imago, your image of an ideal mate. While you were growing up, your caregivers displayed for your developing mind and body, a set of good and bad qualities. This set of qualities became your blueprint for what a romantic relationship should look like. This is what sets up our relationship radar–that little gadget that goes off like a fire engine siren when we see someone we like. If we had caregivers who rejected or abused us as children, our relationship radar may need to be re-calibrated. If our relationship radar is off, it means we are continuing to pick people like our abusive childhood caregivers.
Once we understand what the hell is going on, and have taken our relationship radar to the shop, our next job is to do some Radical SelfCare. We need to treat ourselves the way we wish Mr. Right would treat us. To do this, we have to take a good look at our home, our schedule, and our To Do List. In my coaching, I use something called The Living Space tool, which uses the house as a metaphor.
What if you looked at your bedroom, right now, as a symbol of your relationship status? What would you learn about yourself? (Mine is littered with nearly-unpacked suitcases, which tells me I could use some downtime with my husband.)
Once you realize your picker is broke, it really is half the battle. In my coaching program, the rest is just fun worksheets and packing your schedule full of really, really joyful activities. Then we set wildly improbable goals and watch the miracles happen. It’s a healing process, but it can be full of laughter and joy, especially once you’re no longer stuck on Mr. Wrong.
