CHANGE YOUR LISTENING AND RESPONSE ORIENTATIONS TO COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

Posted on June 02, 2014 by Dawn C Reid, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Lately, my coaching sessions with clients have centered on listening and response orientations. What I have discovered is that humans orient or adjust themselves towards a particular mode or way of listening and responding when interacting with others. For instance, have you ever been in a conversation where you are talking, and the other person interrupts with “oh, let me tell you what happened to me” or “you know, I had a similar experience” and then proceeds to talk about her problem? Worse, the person changes the subject entirely while you are talking. In that moment, she has oriented her listening and response towards self (e.g., how she feels and what she thinks). Each of us does this at one point or another during a conversation. From paying attention to something else, focusing on unimportant parts of the conversation, or giving unwelcomed opinions, we frequently orient our listening and responses towards what we are thinking and feeling in that moment.

For effective communication, listening and response orientations should be fully “other” focused. Meaning, you should pay attention to the person you are in a conversation with so that you can completely grasp what he is communicating. This includes paying attention to the context and underlying meaning of the message. Likewise, your response orientation should be open, meaningful and non-judging so that dialog and information can easily flow and be accepted. Many relationships fail because of poor communication and inattentive listening or responses. In unoriented listening and closed response orientation, each person is focused towards a personal agenda. When we orient our listening and responses solely towards ourselves, we miss out on important information about the other person. We are more likely to misinterpret the message, project our own emotions and agenda, or demonstrate to the other person that we are uninterested in what he or she is saying. Closed-minded, self-oriented responses can lead to resentment and feelings of rejection and invalidation.

The message I convey to my clients is that a good communicator knows when and how to orient his or her listening and responses to be objective and other-focused. To improve listening and response orientations, you have to change your perception about the conversation and match your communication style with the person for which you are interacting. To do this:

• Focus on the other person in the conversation. Orient your listening and responses directly around the person’s message and communication style.

• Be in-tuned with the other person’s energy and adjust your listening and response orientations to reflect positive, open communication and understanding. Listen for changes in voice tone, is the person excited or flat in speech? Pay attention to body language, and eye contact. How the body responds says a lot about what the person is feeling.

• Adjust your listening and responses so the person feels acknowledged and valued. Do not rush to make a point, suggestion, or interjection. Allow the person to freely and fully express his words, thoughts and feelings without you judging the message as right or wrong, or without interrupting with your opinion.

• Respond with suggestions or advice only when requested or warranted. Ask if you can present a personal example to demonstrate you relate to their message, for example “do you mind if I tell you a personal experience I had that is related to how you feel?”

• Use “I” statements, not “You” statements when you respond. For example: A correct “I” statement: I feel frustrated when you leave the toilet seat up. An incorrect “You” statements: You make me sick because you always leave the toilet seat up

• Take ownership for your feelings, emotions, and perceptions during the conversation. You choose what to feel, what not to feel and how to feel. Your perceptions are yours.

• Don’t blame or judge the other person for how he or she feels. Feelings are neither right or wrong. Feelings are personal, subjective and part of the person.

• Respond to the situation, not the person or emotions. For example, “I’m angry at the outcome and what I am experiencing, I am not angry with you.”

• Be open and respond positively without judgment, people want to be heard, validated and respected

How you orient your listening and responses will drive the results and intention of your communication with other people. The best approach in effective communication is an other-oriented style. If you both are oriented towards each other, everyone has a greater chance of being heard.