Resistance vs. Acceptance

Posted on May 06, 2014 by Anne Hamming, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Resistance vs. Acceptance
ICA POWER TOOL BY ANNE HAMMING
October 2013

INTRODUCTION
I suspect it is human nature to try to avoid certain facts. When I eat ice cream every day on a vacation, I avoid thinking about the day my shorts will be too tight. And when my birthday comes around each year, I don’t want to face the fact another year has passed. I boldly proclaim that 40 is the new 20, right? I dance in the illusion that my skin will be smooth forever, my eyes will never need bifocals, and I will always be considered youthful — despite many indications to the contrary. I am expressing resistance.

Resistance to inevitable realities can be humorous, like my dismissive response to aging. But resistance can be weighty and downright dark. These times can strike when we act according to what we know is right, but we still fight against it. We feel bogged down. We wish it did not have to be this way. An example of this resistance shows up in the grown child who knows that taking in an elderly parent is the best option, but she feels drained and perhaps even numb or resentful.

In my life, I made major life changes to take care of my special needs child and my daughter. I knew it was the right thing, and I knew I ought to be grateful I could be home with them during crucial years. But it didn’t stop the nagging resistance that dogged me. It came through in the wish that my life was different, even though I knew it was best possible option for my circumstances. I wanted an escape route from my own life. The most difficult part was accepting that my dream of having a challenging career and a family wasn’t going to work out. And I feared my life did not have meaning because many of the tasks involved in raising small children — particularly laundry and cooking — seemed utterly meaningless. At the core, I feared that all of my dreams would be washed away by tedious tasks, never to be realized. And I feared my situation might never end.

This was resistance.

Resistance is wishing our lives don’t have to be the way they are even when we know we have the best possible option for our circumstances.

Acceptance is embracing our lives just as they are without judgment or regret. Acceptance is seeing the purpose in our lives no matter the situation.

Acceptance does not mean that we are satisfied with everything. I still don’t enjoy laundry or cooking, but I am honest about it. And I still get frustrated that a cure for my son’s chronic illness might never come. Resistance would have me mired down in that frustration. It would have me fighting a battle for years. Acceptance shows me that I can provide my son with the best care available at this moment, and he will be OK. Acceptance shows me that the tedious parts of his care are terribly important to giving him the best possible care. Because the tedious tasks are directly linked to my highest aim, I can do them more lightly. I can accept it. Acceptance shows me that his illness is only one part of our lives. Acceptance guides me to see the big picture of our lives, so I can see the richness and blessings.

Acceptance isn’t always peaceful. Full acceptance of a situation and one’s feelings about the situation might open one’s eyes to true inequities and the need to speak out or ask for help. In addition, acceptance can be a great motivator. It is really the only route to acting with clarity during difficult times. Owning a reality that at one point in our lives seemed very undesirable can open up routes to gracefully manage things that cannot be changed. Resistance to reality just keeps us stuck.

SELF-APPLICATION

Resistance can show up in variety of ways. See if any of these look familiar

Resistance ….
 sees the situation as permanent. It will “always” be this way. Resistance wonders how we “will ever make it through.”
 avoids feelings and unavoidable facts because they seem too big.
 clings to the past or what “should” be happening.
 feels resigned and hopeless; feels jilted that life is not fair.
 is dismissive of personal needs.
 is judgmental.
 is closed off.
 feels shame.
 is rigid.
 feels threatened.
 fears a loss of meaning and life purpose.
 seeks to avoid feeling vulnerability and shame.
 makes life feel like a fight, a battle.

Acceptance…
 knows the situation is temporary.
 is honest and realistic.
 acknowledges unfulfilled dreams with loving kindness. It lets go of past failings.
 is hopeful.
 genuinely listens.
 doesn’t judge.
 speaks assertively and acts on needs.
 is connected and humble enough to ask for help.
 feels resilient.
 is flexible.
 feels safe even amid uncertainty.
 finds deep meaning and purpose.
 embraces vulnerability and human frailty lightly.
 helps life flow along.

Being aware of the ways we resist can open doors to acceptance. Considering the alternative position can get us moving on the road to acceptance.

Look for cue words
Certain words can be clues that we are in resistance. When we say we “have to” do something we dread, look at some alternatives: Do we really have to? What if we didn’t have to? How would that be?
Would the pain of doing the task now be less than the consequences of ignoring it?
Is it really a burdensome task? Is there someone who can do it for us or with us?

Look at the need behind the desires
Another telltale indicator of resistance is the statement, “I want it but I can’t have it.” If I want something — like a vacation or more time — but I never got it, would I be OK?
I look for the needs behind the specific desires. What things would still give life relaxation and abundance if nothing changed and life was perfect? How can I honor this need?
Also, how has resistance hidden the ways I might already be meeting this need. Has clinging to hope for two-weeks in the Caribbean blinded me to the true relaxation that comes from a walk or a yoga class today.

See the best in yourself
We must hold ourselves in high regard. We must never forget that we are fully capable of meeting our needs. We are also capable of making decisions about how we want to remember our conduct during challenging times. We can hold a long view and choose to exercise qualities we admire in other people when they face challenges. This alone will provide focus and lightness.

This too shall pass
The situation truly is temporary. This too shall pass. We can make decisions about the way we handle it. I ask myself how I want to view the way I handled this challenge when my life is done. What actions today will honor that vision?
What will it cost me not to act?
What will I know about myself when this experience is over? What lessons will be learned?

COACHING APPLICATION
Resistance is a rich area to explore. Clients will gain deep understanding of automatic responses and assumptions.

Be aware of judgment
As coaches, we can support client exploration by watching ourselves for judgment. For instance, when a client tells us about a serious illness, do not say, “That is terrible.” That is a judgment. Illness is simply a part of living, and illness can teach great lessons.

Look for the pearls in resistance
Look at all the things resistance might be saying about the client.
 Sift through resistance for unacknowledged values and dreams. Perhaps a client has never spoken to anyone about a dream that has been put aside. We as coaches can acknowledge the disappointment of a dream that won’t happen and was quite possibly unrealistic to begin with. Nonetheless, it was important to the client. What does that dream say about the client? What does it show about the client’s values? What part of the dream might the client still be able to experience? In what ways has the dream already been realized in the client’s life but their resistance kept them from seeing it and enjoying it?
 Look for values that are in conflict. For example, loyalty to family could be at odds with independence. How can we support the client in honoring both values? Can we talk through scenarios when loyalty trumps independence or vice versa?
 Explore resistance for clues that the client feels dismissed or taken advantage of. Fearless exploration of this area can lead a client to new levels of honesty and assertiveness. Perhaps they feel undervalued by others. Perhaps they do not have enough autonomy or enough reward for tedious tasks.
 Resistance also can simply be a desire to be deeply heard and deeply understood. Holding a safe space for clients meets that need.

Clients can write a new story
Pay attention to the way the client tells the story. Statements like, “I have to” or “I feel lousy for wishing I didn’t have to do this” can be indicators of resistance in the form of an inner critic. Challenge the client to be totally honest about the guilt and embrace it. A coaching session is the client’s safe space to be totally real.
To move into acceptance, it can be helpful to have the client imagine a different scenario. The following scenarios can distance the client from any sense that something has gone wrong with their lives.

Try these options:
 Imagine you are a stranger who is dropped into your own life and spending a day with you. What things about your life would stand out to the stranger?
 Drop yourself into your present and pretend you have amnesia about the past. It’s been wiped out and you have no story to tell yourself about your life. What if you never told that story again and you just began to write a new life story from this moment. Does it feel lighter? What are the possibilities?
 Imagine your life right now is exactly as you planned it. What values are shining through? What gives you the most satisfaction? What would be the lessons learned? What would be the accomplishments?

RESOURCES
Drive, by Daniel Pink
The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown
Self-Compassion, by Kristin Neff
The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle
Saving Lee, Finding Grace: A Mother’s Journey, by Anne Hamming