Do You Know What True Love Is?

Posted on March 26, 2014 by Yol Swan, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

Billie Holiday soulfully sings, “You don’t know what love is… Until you’ve learned the meaning of the blues… Until you’ve loved a love you’ve had to lose… You don’t know what love is.” Of course she’s not the only one portraying love as something that hurts; most of the songs and stories and movies out there convey a very similar message.

But is love really this emotion we all long for that can only be fully experienced when there is a painful sense of separation or loss? Or is the lack of love that hurts because it makes us feel alone and isolated? And can we truly love anyone if we don’t love ourselves first, without losing our sense of self in the other and giving our power away?

I’d like to call 2014 the Year of Love because it will provide opportunities for everyone to learn what love truly is. Not that we don’t have such opportunities throughout life, but this year they will be right in our face, so to speak, and we can take a closer look at how we perceive, express, and engage with love. Obviously, this means taking a closer look at our relationships, starting with the one we have with ourselves.

True Love Versus Codependency

Because whether we are aware of it or not, love abides in our heart, and yet we spend most of our life searching for it somewhere else. We’ve been enamored with the idea that someday someone will come and sweep us off our feet and that this is all we need to be truly happy. Some people believe that there is only one person out there that can make them feel this way—their true love, soul mate, or twin flame—while others see the idea of “happily ever after” as an illusion we settle for to cover up a deep fear of living and dying alone.

We are born codependent and must make a great emotional effort to become our own selves as we grow up. Our deep unconscious patterns color our perception of love, making us believe that we only deserve and can experience love through others. We think: if someone loves me, I can love myself; but if nobody loves me, then I am unworthy of love.

The problem is that this emotional codependency we had no choice but to internalize as babies makes our sense of self rely on the perception of others as we get older, binding us to the fickle disposition of the ego-mind that sets us into a never-ending pursuit of love and validation in all the wrong places.

Love = Awareness = Freedom = True Self

Love is our true nature, our true Self. We do not need anyone to grant or uncover it for us; but we do have to muster the courage to look within and to continue looking within until we find it, hidden behind the emotional wounds created by our expectations, disappointments, resentment, painful memories, and broken dreams.

When we start loving ourselves, the need for validation, praise, or appreciation from others diminishes and we can begin to experience real love outside as well, as a reflection of a more authentic self-perception. If we feel connected to ourselves, empowered in who we are, we no longer connect with others from a wounded, ego-based place (the need to be loved), but in the joyful, warm, expansive energy that nurtures who we are as individuals and connects us freely and authentically.

Yet to get there takes much inner work, the ongoing awareness of our strong tendency toward codependency, and great focus on what connects us to the present moment. More than anything, it takes commitment—to ourselves and the process of healing our sense of self and our sense of “otherness” within, which we unconsciously absorbed from our family dynamics and continue to re-create in each and every relationship we establish.

Love is another form of Consciousness; it is expansive and aims to create more light, more life, and more abundance for all. Love is the awareness of our true essence projected and reflected on another. Self-awareness yields self-love, and self-love expands to others through our self-expression. Because our divine nature is pure love, love looks for itself everywhere in this divine game of hide-and-seek we call life.

Love Starts and Ends Within

True happiness can be measured by how much we allow love to express and expand through us without the distorted beliefs and self-images that taint it, driving us to do what we think we should do and be, as opposed to honestly sharing who and what we choose to be.

If we cannot be completely honest with ourselves, we cannot be honest with others because our own unexplored emotional territory makes us feel vulnerable and weak. If we don’t trust ourselves we cannot trust anyone else, lest we attempt to do it with the unconscious self-fulfilling expectation that we will be disappointed—in others and of course, in ourselves.

Likewise, if we don’t love ourselves, how can we love and feel loved beyond the karmic or fleeting chemical attraction we tend to confuse with love? Not because we don’t want love, but because the Universe can only give us what we give ourselves—what we are open to receiving. This is why the reality we create is a reflection of our inner world. And a censoring, bullying voice inside is continuously telling us that we’re not good enough; that we don’t deserve love; that we should be, do, look like or acquire this or that to be valuable or happy, preventing us from fully experiencing the present moment as a brand new opportunity for self-discovery and self-love.

If we can be completely honest with ourselves, look at and embrace all the good, the bad, and the ugly in us, then we can quiet the inner bully because its power lies in making us believe that we should be something other than who we are, and that our self-worth relies on how others perceive us. We let it trap us in this catch 22 because others can only see us through their own wounded and ego-centered viewpoint and as long as we remain unaware of our own emotional terrain, we cannot possibly allow others to be who they are either.

So if we want true love we have to vibrate in true love, we have to heal and create a harmonious dynamic between our sense of self and our sense of otherness. We must be fiercely independent and autonomous yet allow intimacy to flourish—the same intimacy we establish with ourselves when we touch and nurture our wounds. We need to create an emotional anchor that does not rely on anyone else and that we can always count on to keep us centered and mindful, so we can trust ourselves to make conscious choices and follow the flow of love—instead of the usual ego-centered codependency.

Make 2014 Your Year of True Love

Your sense of otherness colors absolutely every relationship you have: with people, with your dreams and goals, with your business or projects, and with the world in general. True love starts with you: in the things you think about and say to yourself; in the joyful moments you allow in your life; in the type of people, dynamics, and conversations you feed your sense of otherness with; and also in how much you invest your energy, time, and even money to find happiness within you.

To begin healing and integrating your sense of self and your sense of otherness into a harmonious and loving dynamic of creative cooperation, take every opportunity that this year’s energies will provide you with to:

• Revisit and forgive past relationships, starting with your parents or caregivers;
• Grieve the sadness and loneliness left by people you loved who weren’t there for you;
• Develop love and compassion for yourself as you touch and heal your wounds;
• Grieve the pain left by the broken dreams you didn’t trust yourself to pursue or accomplish;
• Focus on those things that connect you to yourself, empower you, and bring you joy;
• Reach out and honestly observe how you tend to connect with others;
• Cherish and enjoy the time you spend alone, completely focused on your endeavors;
• Take small, slow steps in your relationships and trust yourself to make conscious decisions;
• Develop emotional flexibility and independence to not lose yourself in any relationship;
• Make the decision to consciously create healthier dynamics with everyone, based on joy and equality.

If you are ready to discover true love in yourself and others, contact me now to receive guidance and support on this worthy endeavor, and make 2014 your most loving year yet!

© 2014 Yol Swan. All rights reserved.