Can we all have some self-compassion?

Posted on March 05, 2014 by Brooke Ozlem Erol, One of Thousands of Career Coaches on Noomii.

When I was growing up, especially as a girl, thinking about yourself before others was considered as being selfish. You always have to be polite, kind and respectful and it was the biggest virtue to think about others’ needs before your own. This made me feel as a very nice person. If I ever think about my needs and my wants first, I felt like a bad and selfish one.

As an adult, when I started to be more aware of what I say to myself in my mind, I realized that I was beating myself up for the smallest things I could not do. If I do not walk my dog every day I am a horrible owner. If I do not have a healthy dinner prepared for my son, I feel like a bad mom. If I am not available for a friend in need, I am a terrible friend. The list goes on and on. Then one day I read in a novel that it is best to treat yourself as a close girl friend. Now when I catch myself saying horrible things to myself and feel guilty, I imagine a girl friend telling me the same story and her feelings. I have so many nice things to tell her! I understand why she would not sometimes have the time to do the things she wants for her kids or her family. It is so normal. We are all human. We cannot be perfect all the time. “We all have good intentions darling. Sometimes we cannot do all what we want. We have our good days and bad days. Why beat yourself up? Be nice and kind to yourself. It is OK. Please do not worry.” These are things I say; not only to calm her down and make her feel better but because I believe this is true. Life is not that smooth and straight forward. So why is all this not true for me? Why do I have so much compassion for others but not myself?

I know at least part of the answer. I was brought up to be the best in many things and I was taught to be selfless. I was raised to have a lot of compassion and empathy for others. These are all wonderful but I guess we can do a little better with ourselves too. I know some of us are great at this but many women are not. If you are like me, try to hear what you say to yourself when things do not always go according to your plan and you do not accomplish some of your tasks 100%. Think about a good friend who will tell you exactly what you feel now; I am pretty sure you will have some kind words to say. Turn that around and save all of those thoughtful and compassionate remarks for yourself. Say “It is OK” and take a deep breath because you deserve it. Practice some self-compassion every day!