How To Communicate With Your Partner Effectively
Posted on March 05, 2014 by Ali Palisca, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.
Are you and your partner fighting? Using this simple 8 step communication technique, shift your arguments into succinct compassionate conversations.
1. ASK
Let the person with whom you have an issue or concern know that you would like to reveal something to him/her, it will take about 5 minutes. If s/he is not open now, schedule a specific time, maybe in 10 minutes or during a break in the afternoon. If your partner is not open to hearing your reveal, call a friend to practice and try revealing again the next time something comes up.
“Are you available for me to share something with you? It will take 5 minutes…”
2. INTENTION
Affirm your relationship. Let the person know that s/he is important to you, that you are wanting to reveal because you want to be closer and share your inner world with him/her.
“…I really love you and value our relationship and I’m telling you this because I want to be close with you…”
3. FACTS
Say what happened as if a movie camera were filming the scene without inserting and judgments or stories that you made up about why it happened and without making the other person wrong.
“…when you slammed the door…”
4. BODY SENSATION
Notice what happened in your body at the time. This is very important because you are taking responsibility for your body and the physical reaction that took place. Sharing what is happening in your body is the least arguable and it often evokes curiosity from the listener.
“…my stomach tensed up into a ball and I felt tightness in my throat…”
5. KEY FEELINGS
Name your key feelings out of these five: anger, sadness, fear, joy, sexual. It is important to utilize one of these 5 feelings because they are the easiest for the listener to understand and may evoke compassion.
Often people get confused between true feelings and words that have a blaming quality, like “… I felt attacked.” If you think you felt attacked you probably were really feeling a combination of anger and fear and you were probably having a thought that your boundaries were being crossed. Using the word attacked in place of a feeling is arguable because the other person most likely respond with”…I wasn’t attacking you!” If you use “… when you said that, I felt angry and scared…” it will be much less likely to evoke an argument, and will probably bring about a vulnerable compassionate feeling to the conversation.
“…I felt angry, sad, and scared…”
6. THOUGHTS
Share any judgments or stories that you made up in your head with the acknowledgement that you are aware that you are having the judgment or story. Often, we are taught that judgments are bad, so try not to have them. The idea of trying not to have them is appealing, but the reality is they linger at the back of my mind every time I think of that person. I have found that the most powerful way to release judgments is by acknowledging they are there and sharing them with the people with whom they concern. Scary! YES!
I highly encourage this practice with anyone you want a close relationship with. I have found that in revealing my inner world with the intention to be closer, I allow for more vulnerability, trust, and compassion for others, and myself, and the judgments lose their power and often fall away.
“… I made up the story that you weren’t willing to work it out, and you were going to leave me… ”
7. REQUEST
This step is optional. Often, we don’t know what we want until hours after we reveal. If you have a specific request in mind, ask for what you want! (Not a request for an attitude change or anything vague. Something s/he can remember and commit to). This person doesn’t have to agree to the request, either. The important part that you are taking responsibility for what you most want by opening the conversation, getting creative, and tossing out an idea.
Keep asking the questions: what would meet both of our desires? How could we both be supported? What am I learning from this? What could I request that would really satisfy my desire? Don’t be afraid to ask for exactly what you want! The other person can always say no and toss another idea back to you. Stay open!
“…I have a request that if you find yourself wanting to leave again when we are in a heated argument that you let me know that you want to take some space but that you love me, and tell when you are coming back?”
GRATITUDE
Thank the receiver for listening and let him/her know that you don’t need any response. Often, the most potent medicine comes from just revealing and listening, for both parties. Usually, there is always another layer under the initial reveal, so keep listening to what may be underneath. You can always come back to that person for another reveal, later.
“Thank you so much for hearing me. I don’t expect any response, but I am open to one if you desire, preferably in a few hours. I feel grateful that you are willing to know me on this level.”
Ali Palisca, Certified Life Coach
Awaken Your Vitality
alipalisca.com
