Do You Know If Your Relationship is in Trouble?

Posted on February 14, 2014 by Passion Provokers, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

By Ariel Minter

Co-founders of Passion Provokers, Jami and Marla Keller, have discovered that men rate their coupleship at least 2 points higher than their partner on a 0-10 scale.

This happens for many reasons, but it really comes down to a violation of hierarchy. Women most often do this by putting their children or their girlfriends above their partner. The most common example with men is that they become consumed with work or hardly retreat from their “man cave” when they have spare time.

Passion Provokers teaches that the most functional and healthy hierarchy is to keep your priorities in this order:

1. Your Partner
2. Your Children
3. Your Job
4. Your Extended Family

When one partner violates the hierarchy (i.e. puts the kids above everything else, or is a “workaholic”), it hinders the sexual-emotional balance that every coupleship requires in order to thrive.
“Women are generally 70% Emotional and 30% sexual whereas men are typically just the opposite: 70% sexual and 30% emotional,” shares Jami.
Ideally, this means that you are “feeding” your coupleship in an even way. A woman can fill her partners sexual needs 70% of the time if he is able to fill her emotion needs 70% of the time.

In our culture, most men have difficulty understanding (and being present to) the emotional needs of their partner.
“Often times, the man tries to fix the circumstances rather then being present to the emotions, and the woman feels neglected or unheard because she doesn’t need to be fixed, just listened to. After a long period of time of a woman feeling unheard, she typically feels a deep sense of loneliness, resentment, and even anger,” says Marla.
The biggest challenge for both men and women is that these concepts are difficult: Sex is tangible. Emotions are complicated.

This explains why women are rating their relationships at a 2 or 5, when their counterparts are saying it is a 5 or 8. On a scale of 1-10, that is an extremely big (and sad) difference.
“In our experience, five or under means the relationship is in danger. When someone rates their coupleship between six and seven we often see that at least one partner is needing more. Rating your relationship as an eight or higher is ideal. What’s interesting is that often times, one person rates it as an eight and the other says five. That means one person thinks everything is perfect, while the other feels the relationship is in danger. If you and your partner are more than two points apart, then there is a problem with communication,” explains Jami.
Regardless of the fact that these concepts are difficult, there are four basic things you can do that will dramatically improve the climate of your relationship:

1. Keep your partner as your number one priority.

2. Share your feelings (an easy way to do this is to use a tool like the The Feeling Wheel App).

3. Ask your partner how they are feeling (at least everyday).

4. Actively listen.

Even if you choose to follow these four ideas independently, you will be surprised at how your partner responds. These four steps have the potential to make a huge change for you. It certainly is an “easier said than done” process, but what do you truly value that didn’t or doesn’t take a lot of work?

How would you (honestly) rate your coupleship?

If you’re in the “danger zone”, Passion Provokers can help. Your consultation is always free. Get started today.