Let Go In Order to Receive: A Message on Settling in Love

Posted on December 22, 2013 by Jenny Ngo, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.

So often I see women prolong relationships and hang on to their ex lovers even after they’ve clearly decided for themselves that their exes are not the ideal lovers for them. Yet, having someone seems to be a better option than having no one, especially in moments of loneliness and desperation. Having that someone could be the equivalent of having a temporary band-aid, a consolation prize, and simply put- a back up. However you put it, it’s a form of settling. Because you know darn well that that person you’re choosing to spend time with isn’t the ideal choice and that there’s good reason why they’re your ex. Maybe you crave warmth or you’re filling a void. Either way you’re in denial because you know this “stand in” isn’t really fulfilling either for you. You still feel empty and dissatisfied either way. And, if this ex was standing side by side with your ideal person, undoubtedly the “stand in” doesn’t stand a chance. There was just something “missing” with the person for you that didn’t complete the package and seal the deal to make him/her your ideal. You know your reasons. They just didn’t do it for you. And, that’s nothing to feel guilty about.

That said, when you recognize you have these feelings, release the person so that:

1) They can become available for someone else and someone else can fully love and appreciate them in all their greatness. No one truly enjoys being 2nd place. Imagine the situation reversed and you were somebody’s “stand in”. You can start to imagine what I mean. Unrequited love and not being “not good enough” for someone can be a real hurtful sometimes, especially if the feelings aren’t mutual. Wouldn’t you rather someone love and appreciate you for all that you are and all that you’re not? That “stand in” you keep stringing along would probably prefer that too. When this imbalance shows up you don’t really deserve them nor do they really deserve you. So, try to take the higher road and make choices based on what’s best for both parties in the long run.

2) You can make room for someone else to enter. No one can enter your life if you’re already spending all your time with someone else. Every minute you spend with your “stand in” is another minute you can be available for someone else. In order to receive something better, you must first release and let go of all things you don’t need. Don’t hoard. You need to de-clutter and make space for that new person or thing to enter. Be it love or a new romantic partnership.

Here’s an analogy for you. Say you love to shop and you’ve filled up with your entire closet with clothes you don’t love. So much so it’s bursting out, the closet doors can’t shut and things are falling off the hangers, onto the ground, cluttering everything up. And, you do nothing to minimize or clear this mess. You pull things out to wear, throw it back in. It’s a cycle that keeps recycling. None of it really gives you excitement or pleasure when you wear it. You wear it because you need clothes, not because you feel fabulous wearing it. You want to buy new clothes that you will love but you don’t have anymore space to store it. So, logically you must think to clear the closet in order to make room for new desirable clothes. And once you do that, you will most likely feel the relief or no longer having to feel frustrated look at and dealing with a closet full of junk and you can feel better and begin to feel excited at the prospect of new clothes coming now that you have created the space for it. Well, love works the same way… and anything really. You can’t accept a full-time job without first relinquishing the current one. Can you see the correlation?

From a Law of Attraction perspective you are carrying and emitting a vibration of desperation and settling. And as long as you are willing to settle, then you are going to attract more of that. If that is where you are spending your time, energy, and thoughts, then that will expand. And as long as you’re full of that you can’t be full of anything else- you won’t have the room for something more desirable to enter. You are essentially saying “Universe, I am willing to settle. Even though I’m clear I want something better, settling works for now because it eases the pain”. So the universe grants your wish by matching your vibration and brings you more opportunity to settle in order to sooth your emptiness. So, if you’re finding that you’re spending a lot of time or your spare time with your “stand in” when you could be spending that time on yourself or being available for another and you’re wondering why love isn’t manifesting for you, you may want to look there and make some changes.

As people we tend to want instant gratification. We want to feel good, and safe, and ok right now. Pain isn’t comfortable so we try to avoid it and what we attempt as self-protection is really a prolonging of the inevitable. This is discomfort that we will sooner or later have to face if we want to move to the next level, and the sooner we process it and transmute it the sooner we can progress to the next destination. We use the “stand in” to soothe our loneliness. And that’s ok…sure, it works. It’s a temporary fix at best. At the end of the day you still know in your heart that things aren’t right and that you’re selling yourself short. You know that you still want more, you want something better. You know that you’re being inauthentic to yourself and the other person involved. You’re gyping yourself and the other person of something better, something more well-deserved, something real. You’re surviving, not thriving.

If you find yourself in this situation and you find yourself holding onto someone you don’t truly want and you’re feeling desperate, frustrated and fed up that something better hasn’t shown up for you, then I’d like to invite you to stop everything you’re doing and just sit for a while. Sit with your situation and think about everything you’ve been doing. How have you been blocking a better romantic partnership? How have you made yourself unavailable for something better to enter? Are you making choices from a place of desperation and lack? Is your life cluttered with unwanted things, people and energy that is bogging you down and corroding you of confidence and self-worth? If so, create the space and release those things so that better things can enter.

Facing pain isn’t comfortable and taking the high road isn’t easy but it’s necessary to move pass those hurdles so that you can grow and change and evolve and move onto to something better. Fill your time with friends, hobbies, people and places you love. Do things that make your heart sing. Take care of yourself. Give to yourself, love yourself and be happy with yourself. For when you raise your vibration and match the vibration of love and when you’re (genuinely not tolerating settling anymore) truly ready and and serious about receiving love, then love shall enter. Love will find you and you will find it. Matching vibrations are drawn to one another and what you focus on expands. That’s the universal law. That’s when you’re really saying “Universe, I have become love. I am taking a stand for my love life and because I love myself just as much I am only investing my time in people where I feel my time is worthy and well-deserved”, the universe says “Ok, your wish is my command” and goes to work on bringing that to you. Then all you have to do is to continue to consciously feel good and “allow” and in time it will come.

Try this out for a while and see what shows up for you.

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XX,
J