Step Families: Step Families Can Be Difficult, But There is Hope

Posted on December 12, 2013 by Brian Reck, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

I believe one of the most difficult things to do is to try and have a healthy blended family. There are challenges with baggage from prior marriages; trying to develop relationships with kids that are not yours and maybe not interested in having a new parent; X-spouses who cause all kinds of problems; trying to have relationships with children who are yours, but are not in your home; and dealing with your own struggles as well as the normal challenges of relationships. A step family is a stressor in itself. So how do we deal with all of that?

First, the priority must be the relationship between the two partners. Above all else, that has to take precedence. With the marriage as the foundation, it is much easier to see how to deal with the other issues. It is especially difficult for a mother to put the new dad before her children. My first wife passed away from cancer. One of the things I noticed when I started dating after 23 years of marriage, was that all the woman I dated had dependent relationships with their children. It wasn’t like a mother daughter, mother son relationship, it was like two teenagers. Moms were so dependent on their child’s love, they were forced to be friends before being a parent. Having said that, it is normal for that to happen in order to fill the emotional needs when there is no spouse. The parent needs to be aware of their need to rely on their child for emotional stability or they will fight their new partner constantly when their baby’s feelings are hurt or they have to be disciplined in some way. The way to overcome it though is simply to be aware of it and always put your partner first. Believe it or not, the children will get over it if they see love being shared between the two of you.

Children in new families also contribute to the complications of the family and the marriage. The new parent should not try to walk in and be their mother or their father. Relationships and emotional connections need to be established first. This is when you just need to be friends. Allow the biological parent to do most of the disciplining, at least at first. Most children are not necessarily rebellious, they are just unsure and hurting inside because of the loss they have experienced. Most kids want a mother or father in the home that cares for them and loves them. If you understand that the child is just trying to find out if they can trust this new person in the home, it will be easier to deal with. Being patient and understanding is imperative. Even allowing some back talk, I believe, is a good thing. We get into power struggles with step children because of our issues, not because of theirs. They need to know it is safe to express themselves. It is very common for a step parent to say, “my kids would never speak to me like that.” Then they start to dislike the step children because they think they are “bad” kids. A little bit of patience, listening and tolerance goes a long way with step children.

Will it be wonderful quickly if you are patient, loving and tolerant. I believe it will certainly be much better, but you still have a group of people trying to live together with different backgrounds and needs. Even a family that isn’t blended doesn’t go smooth. Unfortunately, some children will not respond positively no matter what happens, but most will be grateful to have another parent in the home. I have worked with many many adolescents in their early 20’s or older who tell me the only parent they really ever knew or had relationships with was their step parent. They also add that “they are dad or mom to me,” even if they have a relationship with their biological parent. Don’t be threatened by the other parent. You should always encourage them to respect their birth parents. If they are abusive, well that is different, but like many moms do, try not to fall into the trap of badmouthing the other parent. It is best just to allow them to express what they need to concerning them. Eventually, the emotional tie will be broken and the hurt and emotional void will be gone. That doesn’t mean they will never want to see their parent again, it just means they will have room to accept you in their life. So be patient, be a friend, don’t allow the hateful actions and words of the X’s to cloud your view of your current family. Above all else, always, put your partner first.

For assistance with Blended Families, please see my site at <a href="http://www.lifecoachaffairs.weebly.com/">http://www.lifecoachaffairs.com</a>