Self-Esteem: Be Happy With Who You Are and See the World More Clearly

Posted on December 12, 2013 by Brian Reck, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

Self- esteem is seeing our self as a worthwhile person. It is being happy and satisfied with who we are. I don’t think there is anyone who doesn’t know that definition. If that is the case, why do we continue to think we get our esteem from how others see us and treat us?
Nearly every problem people deal with is associated in some way with a lack of self-esteem and how one responds to it. In my counseling and throughout my life, I have heard over and over the belief that the reason someone doesn’t love themselves is because they were or are never told how wonderful they are, or how beautiful they are. It certainly is a good thing to build others, to be kind and to complement, but it has little to do with self-esteem. I have probably lost you now because this is the common belief for how we get a better self concept. All this philosophy does is convince us that we can blame another person or thing as the problem. For example we may blame our parents for not being loving and caring. We may blame society, the rich or the government for the way we see ourselves.
So what is Self-esteem and how do we obtain a healthy one? First we have to understand what it is. As mentioned above, it is being happy, at peace and accepting of OUR SELVES. There is a reason we call it “self” esteem and not simply esteem. It is because it is how we see ourselves, not how other people see us. Of course, it doesn’t hurt to receive kind words from others, but that is not what determines our self-concept. As a matter of fact, saying kind words to others does more for our self-esteem then anything anyone could say to us. Self-esteem is more connected with our values and how we live in accordance with them. For example, if we do not live a life that our mother taught us to live, we normally will feel ashamed to some degree. If your parents taught you to be honest and you are constantly lying about things, it will have a negative effect on your esteem. We normally will make up excuses for our lies so we don’t have to deal with the guilt. That is just a process of deadening our conscience so we no longer feel bad about not living up to the values we believe we should be living. I am not telling you what values you have to live, but whatever you have deep within you to live and then you deny it, you reject what your subconscious considers to be important. This results in a low self-esteem. If are one of those who grew up in a home that didn’t have good values, and you are not sure what your values are, then you need to read, and find a good mentor. There is plenty of information and experts to teach you about good healthy values that bring peace and happiness to our souls.
I like to use the example of athletes and actors who seem to perform confidently on the field, court or in front of a camera, but many of their lives are in shambles. Most would look at these successful people and say they are confident individuals with a high self-concept. So where does the perceived self-concept come from? It comes from external sources only. When the crowds are yelling their name and when they give obeisance to them when they are in public, the celebrity appears as though they are self-assured. Unfortunately, the crowds are not always there. When there is no one praising them, how do they actually see themselves?
So how do we improve our self-esteem? It is much easier said then done, but still the same, it is very easy. The first step is to recognize that you are relying on other’s opinions of you to determine what you believe about yourself.  That perception in itself is insecurity because it is not believing in yourself., it is believing in others. We are relying on their concept, rather than our own. Being a religious guy, I often say, “If God is pleased with me, anyone who matters will be pleased with me as well.” To some that sounds arrogant or uncaring. The concept shows that we cannot let another’s negative or even positive views of us decide on how we see ourselves. You might ask why I included positive views. Anytime we allow someone else to determine our self-esteem we set ourselves up for failure. Although we may appreciate the complement, it should not have any effect on our esteem. Our self-esteem is already established and other’s opinions of us does not damage or increase our esteem. Remember, esteem is how we measure ourselves with ourselves and what we feel we should be; what we should believe; or how we should be acting. It comes down to how honest we are with ourselves.
I used to tell people if they are not able to change something unhealthy about themselves, at least admit to yourself and others that you are not ready to make that change. Most of the time we lie to ourselves and to others and make up excuses so we can protect our pride and not let people think bad of us. After a while we begin to believe the excuses and we will argue to our deaths to ensure we stay convinced of our lie. I don’t want to pick on smokers, but just to give an example, many will say, “I don’t quite because I like to smoke” or “it calms my nerves” and finally, “I don’t want to quit.” Those responses may have some truth to them, but the real reason for most is they are addicted and don’t have the ability to quit, or simple have not put the effort into quitting. In order for a person to have, improve and maintain self-esteem, they have to be able to say, “I know it is a bad habit, but I am addicted to them and don’t have a strong enough desire to make the effort to quit right now.” It is OK to admit to weakness. Being honest with ourselves and having high self-awareness is imperative for a healthy self-concept, even if it doesn’t fit into society, our family or our circle of friends. 
To summarize, in order to improve your self-esteem, you have to be honest with yourself and live the best you can in accordance with the values you believe in. Continue to educate yourself and learn to refine those values. In other words, you must strive to be better and achieve some form of success, determined by you, in order to maintain and heighten your self-esteem.
 For assistance with self-esteem issues, please see my site at <a href="http://www.lifecoachaffairs.weebly.com/">http://www.lifecoachaffairs.com</a>