Relationship Commitment - What It Is & Renewing It
Posted on August 23, 2010 by Bernette Sherman, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
By committing ourselves to another person, we say that we want that relationship to work because it is important. Here's a tool to help you recommit.
Commitment in Relationships__
Most of us know in our minds that in order for a relationship to work it takes commitment. But when it comes to living that commitment, it can be a bit more challenging, especially when faced with disappointment or disillusionment. How we choose to ‘be’ in those moments can determine whether the relationship sinks or soars.
Relationship commitment is a choice. It is that desire within to make something work and to stick with something, because it is important. When we commit ourselves to another person, we say that we want that relationship to work because it is important. Relationships, however, pose challenges that committing to a career, a trade, or a skill do not. We are faced with the personalities of someone else and their independent wants and needs. It becomes an intricate dance with leaps and dives and balance. There are ups and downs and unexpected turns, but commitment to the relationship means that you go through the dance, together. You experience the changing rhythms, and when you are in a committed relationship, you do this together.
There are times, when one or both of you may feel weary from what seems to be lows that last too long with too few highs in between, or from bickering, or even silence. You may feel as if passion and intimacy aren’t where you want them to be or that your interests and aspirations have changed and you are no longer heading in the same direction.
One of the realities of long-term relationships is that there should be change and growth in you as individuals and as a couple. You should not be stagnant and if you are your relationship and your life satisfaction will ultimately suffer. This often happens when one partner is changing and the other is not, or they are changing in different directions. Dissatisfaction and disillusionment set in. You begin to find fault either with your partner or with yourself, and begin to question your choices and your partner.
During difficult relationship times is when commitment is most important. It is when you must recall from deep within that desire that brought you together. These are the times when the memories you’ve created together can serve as a reminder of the joy and happiness that is possible. This is when you take a moment and reflect on the qualities you fell in love with and still love about your partner.
This is not the time to do what our human nature finds easiest and, often times, most satisfying to do. You can’t save or heal a relationship by allowing the little voice in your head (or the voices of friends and family) to remind you of everything that is not perfect or ideal about your mate, or every mistake she has ever made. You can’t begin comparing him to other men you think would be better partners. When you begin to do this, you begin to chip away at what makes your partner special. And something does make your partner special. You fell in love with something about your partner.
How do you get through your doubts, dissatisfaction, and disillusionment? You renew your commitment. You rekindle some of that magic you had and reignite what is special about your union. One exercise that is helpful in getting a grip on our emotions and reality in this particular situation is the Positives List. I came up with this list as way to help individuals and couples in difficult relationships do a positive check on their partners. In other situations it is helpful to make a list of positives and negatives about a situation. In this list for helping you renew your commitment, it is unhelpful to have the negatives list.
*Creating Your Positives List *
1. On a lined sheet of paper, write the numbers 1 to 5 on the left margin.
2. At the top you’ll have the headers ‘Quality/Trait’ and ‘Example’.
3. Think of positive quality or trait about your partner and write it down next to number 1.
4. Then think of one example of how this trait has positively affected or impacted you or your lives together.
5. Go on to number 2 through 5. If you have more than 5, keep going.
_As an aside, if you are truly dissatisfied and cannot find anything to be hopeful seek professional coaching or education prior to making a decision that could impact the rest of your life.
If you are in a relationship that is emotionally or physically harmful, your well-being must take precedence. Seek professional support and guidance, not excluding legal assistance or mental health counseling._
Bernette is a certified professional coach in the Atlanta area. For more information please visit www.bernettesherman.com.
