Approaching Dating Like a "Naked "Dater

Posted on October 16, 2013 by Lisa Shield, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

It’s no secret: online dating can be a drag. Some people start communicating and stop without explanation, some ask for your phone number and then never call, some even suggest a date and don’t follow through. There are stories that all the men online being commitmentphobes looking for sex or that all the women are foreigners looking for husbands. And have you heard of the “New Math?” Add 3 inches and deduct 5 years, because everyone knows that many online daters stretch the truth when it comes to their age or weight or height.

It’s hard not to get discouraged when so many things can and do go wrong, but you don’t have to buy in to all that fear and negativity. What helps is to look at Internet dating in a whole new way. “How would I do that?” you might ask. As luck would have it ;-), I have developed a program called Naked Dating® for just that purpose. (It is also the title of a book I am writing.) As a Naked Dater, you will discover how to use dating to your advantage. Instead of going out on one dead end date after another, you will start to work on you relationship skills on every date. This way, when the right person appears, he or she will find you irresistibly attractive.

When most of my clients first come to me for coaching, they aren’t too happy when I suggest to them that they might not be ready to have the kind of deeply committed, wildly passionate relationships they describe to me. They might want a relationship, but they aren’t ready for one. I show them how to get there.

Going from single to a relationship is an adjustment. When you’re single, you don’t have to ask anyone if you can buy that new TV, or move to a new city for that great job opportunity. You can do as you please! But things change radically when you’re in a relationship. Having a successful partnership, requires you to make your partner’s needs, wants, and desires as important to you as your own. This isn’t an easy shift to make after being single.

Here is where Internet dating proves useful. As a Naked Dater, I encourage you to see every email exchange, every phone call, and every date as an opportunity to practice getting emotionally naked and opening up your heart. This way when the right person does appear, you will be ready to step into the relationship of your dreams.

There are many different skills you can hone while dating online. I don’t want to bore you to tears. So, today we will focus on one very important skill: How to become a positive spin-doctor.

If you are going to stay online long enough to find the right partner, it helps to learn how to put a positive spin on your experiences. To do this, you need to stop listening to your inner “Frenemy”—the voice of judgment and fear—and start listening to your Naked Dater—the voice of compassion and love. You could also say that the Frenemy is your inner critic and the Naked Dater your Higher Self. Let me show you the difference between listening to The Frenemy and listening to the Naked Dater.

Let’s say it’s a Friday night and you are waiting for your hot date to show up—but he never comes. The Frenemy might say, “You are not good enough. There isn’t anyone out there for you. Who are you kidding? This will never work.” The Naked Dater would think, “This person’s behavior shows that he isn’t ready for a relationship. His profile says he is looking for a life partner, but his behavior is saying something else. You showed up and did the best you could. It’s best to move on.”

The wonderful thing about mastering the art of being a positive spin-doctor is that this skill will come in very handy once you’re in a relationship. My husband is often so tired at the end of a day that he will close his eyes right in the middle of a conversation with me. I will be talking and he will close his eyes, even if I am saying something deeply important! If I wasn’t well versed in being a positive spin-doctor, if I hadn’t learned this lesson from Internet dating, I might become upset and feel that he was being rude. But I know better.

They way I feel in every moment depends on the stories I make up about what’s happening to me and around me. I can tell myself that what I was saying was stupid (and feel sorry for myself), or I can put a positive spin on it by telling myself my husband works hard and that he’s just tired (and feel better about what happened). You get to spin your dating stories any way you want to, so why not practice making them positive? Mastering this skill while you date is guaranteed to radically improve your online dating experience, but most of all, it will help you sustain the romance you are working so hard to find. When you are able to see the positive in every moment, you will stop being so reactive to every silly thing your partner says and does. Ultimately, isn’t this what we’re looking for?

For more helpful skills to practice while Online Dating, stay tuned….

Make the first step to finding The One, schedule an appointment with Lisa Shield today