Jessica's Story

Posted on October 16, 2013 by Lisa Shield, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

When I first met Jessica, I really didn’t think we would be a good fit for coaching. I liked her, but she had this businesslike air about her that I am not familiar or especially comfortable with. I mean, I sign off on all my professional correspondence with words like “hugs” or “warmest regards.” We laugh about it now, but when I hugged her at the end of our first session—I’m a big hugger—she embraced me stiffly and patted me a couple of times on the back as if she was trying to console me.

Flash forward two years and I am happy to say that Jessica continued coaching with me, and the results have been amazing. The experience of working together has been as rewarding for me as it has been for her. She holds a huge place in my heart and I have tremendous respect for her. Jessica took everything we talking about in our sessions and pushed herself as much as any client I’ve ever worked with. I am so impressed at how far she’s come and how deep her transformation has been. As you read this interview, pay particular attention to what Jessica says about how she used the dating process to let go of control and learn how to become more vulnerable. She is the true embodiment of what I call Naked Dating®. Here’s Jessica’s story:

Lisa: So, I know you met someone you really like! I’m thrilled for you. How’s it going so far?

Jessica: Well, I recently went home to Hawaii and Mike joined me for four of the ten days I was there. Lisa, it was his idea to come! While we were there, we had an intense talk about where we want to be in two years. I told him, “I would like for us to be married with kids.” We’ve only been dating four months, but we needed to have this conversation because it’s what I want and I don’t want to waste time with someone who isn’t on the same page as me. It was really hard for me to be this honest with him. When we first met, we talked about wanting kids and a family in a couple of years, but we’d never talked about doing it together.

The next day was very uncomfortable. After having a conversation this intense, I think two people need time to think things over. But because we were in Hawaii together, we didn’t have the space to breathe and digest what we’d talked about.

The good news is that the trip to Hawaii definitely brought us closer. Despite how dysfunctional my family is, I realized they’re pretty great. Mike was able to meet my parents and see where I came from.

I truly don’t know what the future holds, but I’ve surrendered control over my life and my desire to be a mother. If that is what’s meant to be, then it will be. I struggle sometimes with not knowing how this relationship will play out, but I know that all I can do is enjoy it and let it unfold.

Lisa: Wow, that’s quite a transition from where you were when you first came to see me for coaching. Do you remember what your first session was like?

Jessica: Oh my god! I was so closed off, tensed up and defensive, but I knew I needed help. I remember that I wasn’t receptive to what you had to say, but I also knew that I needed to stay open to hearing it. I made myself come back and listen to you. It was hard, but it’s always hard to take a good look at oneself.

Lisa: What was the biggest change you feel you made through coaching?

Jessica: I learned that I didn’t have to push people away to spare myself any pain. You showed me how to take down my walls and become softer and more vulnerable. I didn’t know how to speak to men in a way that was inviting and would draw them to me. You taught me a whole new language. I was always afraid to get emotionally naked because I was afraid that other people would think I was weak, but when you showed me how to get emotionally naked, it changed everything. Everyone found me more attractive, not just men—people at work, my friends and my family.

Lisa: I remember you telling me that your boss noticed a change in you and gave you a raise.

Jessica: My boss is older than I am and very walled off. When I stopped taking things personally and stopped competing with her, she noticed a change and became warm and tender towards me. Then one day, out of the blue, she called me into her office and gave me a big raise. It was like the universe telling me that I was doing something right.

Lisa: So, Naked Dating® works on bosses, too! But it isn’t just that you’re able to show vulnerability, I notice that your voice is actually softer.

Jessica: It’s funny you should say that. When I was home, I noticed how shrill my mom’s voice is. I told her that she needed to pay attention to her tone of voice because it puts people on edge around her. You once told me that my voice sounded anxious and that I needed to slow down because the anxiety in my voice would set men on edge. Right after our session, I went on a date. It felt deliberate, but I focused on slowing down. It worked, but more than anything, what really made my voice slower and kinder is that my ego has diminished. I’m not as controlling as I used to be. Coaching with you helped me change from the inside.

Lisa: I know that we had one very difficult session where we talked about losing some weight. Can you talk a little bit about that?

Jessica: You put it in a very nice way, but it was still very hard to hear. I had been going on dates, working on myself, and meeting a lot of nice men, but none of the ones I liked were asking me out on a second date. You said, “Jessica, if you knew that your weight was the one thing that was still preventing you from attracting the kind of partner you want, would you do everything in your power to change it?” As much as I didn’t like hearing this, you were right. It was getting in my way, and I had to face it. My mom is petite and, when I was growing up, she gave me a very hard time about my weight. I guess I just wanted to believe that if a man really loved me he would accept me the way I am. The sad thing is that if I lived anywhere but LA I would have been considered thin, but in this town 20 pounds makes a huge difference.

Ironically, when I had that fling with the young guy, it made me so anxious that I wound up losing 10 pounds. But the biggest change was when I decided to deal with my drinking. Learning how to get emotionally naked with others also meant getting naked with myself, and I began to see that I had a drinking problem. I went see an addiction counselor, stopped drinking, and I lost another 10 pounds. After I lost the weight, guys stated reaching out to me on Facebook, and some of the guys at work started calling me “Skinny.” Who wouldn’t love all that validation? Mike is very physically attracted to me! He even tells me that he fantasizes about when I’m not around.

Lisa: One of the incredible things about coaching with you is that you were willing to do whatever it took to find love. Not everyone is that courageous. I know that it’s a big deal to transition from being single to being in a relationship. What was that journey like for you?

Jessica: In 2013 there are a lot of modern women who celebrate being single. I was one of them. It was hard for me to stop putting so much importance on my career and let go of my independence. I was very self-absorbed and, even though I said I wanted a relationship, I really didn’t know how to create space in my life for a man.

One thing you helped me see is that even though I looked and dressed like a girl, I was emasculating men. I wanted them to feel empowered around me, but without even knowing it, I was doing everything I could to upstage and outdo them. You said that men don’t want to compete with women, especially when it comes to their careers. No wonder they weren’t lining up to marry me! What I loved about working with you is that you showed me I could be strong and independent and still be soft and feminine. I used to think that I needed a man who was stronger than me but now I know how to make a man feel strong around me.

Lisa: One of the hardest things for women is giving up control. I know that you made a great deal of progress in this area. Can you share your experience?

Jessica: I was afraid to put myself out there. I mean what if I really tried and I didn’t meet anyone? I was anxious and overthinking everything. You gave me a different way to think about dating. Instead of focusing on meeting “The One” you explained how I could use the dating process to learn about men and what they want and need from a woman. Once I understood how I could use my experiences to grow, I was able to enjoy the process. All that control created so much anxiety for me. The minute I truly and honestly let go—it was on May 1st—I knew I was in a great place! I truly felt that I loved myself. I stopped trying to control my dating life and I started trusting that it would happen. You won’t believe this but my first date with Mike was on May 14th, just two weeks later!

Lisa: That really is amazing!

Jessica: I know! You kept telling me that finding love is all about letting go of control and believing in your heart that it will happen. I got it intellectually, but doing it is another thing entirely. It’s hard to say just how I got there, but one day I got it and I just decided to stop trying to control everything… and I mean EVERYTHING.

I know I can’t control Mike. It’s his choice to love and care for me, or not. I want this to work more than anything, but I’m can’t control him. I know when he needs space and distance, and I give it to him. In one of our sessions, you explained me him that men need their space and independence, and I am fine giving him that. I was hanging onto everything for dear life, but when people’s needs are met, their reaction towards you is amazing. He gets what he wants and I get what I want. It’s all so simple, once you get it!

Lisa: You really did a 180. It’s like talking to a different person.

Jessica: I am a different person. I used to think that traditional male/female roles were demeaning to women, but now I see how empowering it is to be a woman and to be vulnerable. I so appreciate how you were able to walk me through that process. I was telling my friend Jen that, as I became more vulnerable, I opened up to what I really want in a partner, not the superficial crap I thought I wanted before like a fancy car and a big house. Mike has the money for all those things, but he doesn’t care about them. He’s not flashy and he doesn’t care how other people see him. He’s sincere and nerdy, which is ultimately what I wanted. In the end, when I got naked, I attracted someone with the qualities I wanted. I’d like to think that those are the qualities I exuded, as well… like attracting like. That’s made me happiest.

Lisa: What would you tell people who are considering hiring a dating coach?

Jessica: Just be open to one session. You have nothing to lose. My first step was being open to seeing Lisa. I knew deep inside that there were things I needed to change, and I was willing to do anything. Sometimes it sucked. It’s never easy to take an honest look at yourself, but it’s worth it in the end.

I don’t know what the future holds. All I know is that I’m in a really wonderful relationship with a wonderful man. We’ll see how things go. We are both contenders for marriage. I really want it, but I know I have no control over my destiny.

I just wish everyone the best. I know that there are times when this journey will feel like a terrible struggle and you will feel like you’re in a desolate place. That’s when you need to keep your heart open and trust the universe. As long as you keep working on yourself, it will happen. Hope is great, but it won’t happen without the self work. You have to be willing to change yourself. You have to be willing to admit fault. No one wants to think that they might have to change themselves, because you have to admit that you’re wrong. It’s too scary for a lot of people to go there, but you have to if you truly want it.