He’s (or She’s) Not Relationship Material

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Stephanie D McKenzie, One of Thousands of Relationship Coaches on Noomii.

He’s sweet, kind and even super nice when the opportunity presents itself. You find yourself wondering if he could be the guy that you’ve been hoping for, despite the fact that he’s never made an advance nor seemed all that interested. Nice, but not really “interested.”

But he could be the one…right? Or, at least the one for right now, yes?

Well…Sadly, no.

Take the fact that he’s never made an advance to heart. It’s not that he’s not interested, it’s that he is not, I repeat, not relationship material. This is not a cliché, this is a reality.

So, what does it mean, he’s not “relationship material?” Great question. Not being relationship material means that this person is not ready nor willing to invest the effort necessary to initiate or to maintain a mutually beneficial romantic relationship. Yes, this does apply to people in friendships, but people are more apt to put more effort into making someone romantic relationship material–so that’s the angle I am coming from.

Now, most people believe that this is a fact that can be changed. Many people believe that if they make enough of the effort for the person, that they will eventually pick up the slack because all they need is someone to care for them.

Again, no.

This person has made a decision to avoid relationships. This is why he, or she, is nice but not pursuing you. Don’t delude yourself into believing that you can change their mind. For whatever reason, they are deeply committed to themselves, and that’s their priority. If you choose to make the effort to change their mind, you are only setting yourself up to be disappointed, aggravated and often frustrated with the fruits of your labor.

Consider the possibility that perhaps they’ve recently been hurt–deeply hurt–by someone who they trusted. This hurt created such pain within them that they decided that they needed to take a break…to heal. Or, perhaps they just realized that all their relationships are ending badly. They’ve decided to get to the bottom of this cycle, and to do so means stepping away from starting a new romance–at least for now.

Now, you are in their life, hoping and wondering that this may become “something.” Honestly, it might…but not right now.

The best thing that you can do is to respect this person’s decision to take time to heal. That is the best thing you can do.
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Not try to convince them how awesome you are.

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Not attempt to care and love them into being obligated to start a relationship with you.

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Not lecture them about what they’re missing out on (this means you) because they are guarded or cautious.

Just respect the decision, and be the friend, confidant or best buddy that they need now…if you can handle that. If you can’t, then care about them from a distant. There is another option: you can wait them out. But, seriously, do you have that kind of time?

Really?

You will avoid many, many moments of sheer confusion if you accept the fact that he, or she, is just not relationship material. If you choose to do anything else but accept it, then let me know how that works out for you. I am willing to be wrong–but I don’t think that I am.

Bottom line: Accept it…it’s ok.

#CoachStephHasSpoken