They Said Becoming a Mother Would Change You, But Not Like This...
Posted on August 06, 2013 by Bea Lavrov, One of Thousands of Life Coaches on Noomii.
Nobody talks about it, but nearly all mothers have experienced it.
OK, I probably lost any male readers at the title; but, as a mother, I feel compelled to share about something not discussed nearly enough. I’m sure all of the mothers out there were told how their lives would change in a million different ways. “You’ll never have a good night’s sleep again.” “Wait until they start talking back!” “The ‘terrible twos’ actually start at 18 months, so get ready.” And that’s just a sampling of what new moms hear from family, friends, and well-meaning strangers. But, do you know what we don’t really hear? “You might not remember who you were before having kids.”
That might sound like an exaggeration, but I’ve had this come up in conversation with many mothers. In fact, I’ve experienced it firsthand. Before having my son, I loved socializing, going to the movies, and having date nights with my husband. I really shouldn’t use the past tense, because I do still enjoy all of these things. The difference is, my time is a commodity now. I don’t exactly have time to do any of those things on a whim anymore; mostly everything requires planning.
Let me just be clear. I adore my son. He is more fun than I could have ever imagined he would be; and I love watching him learn new things each and every day. But I had started to lose my sense of self after he was born. Who was I? What did I like to do in my free time before I became a mom? How would I ever have free time again? Furthermore, I had chosen to stay home with my son for the first 6 months. Those 6 months then stretched into a year. The year continued on to 18 months, and so on. I had abandoned my career aspirations. I rarely saw my friends. I spent all day with this adorable little person who could barely say a few words to me.
What I’m describing is not postpartum depression. I can’t say I was depressed. Was I happy every moment? No. However, I was forced to face the fact that I had become complacent in my situation. I had just accepted the fact that I no longer had an identity outside of wife and mother. I thought this was the secret to being a good mom. But I woke up one day and decided I really wasn’t OK with that. My wakeup call came in the form of being 30 pounds overweight and exhausted all the time. I knew I had to change things or I might very well start feeling depressed.
As you may have read in my bio, part of the solution to my mini identity crisis was fitness. I was fortunate enough to find a group of women (comprised of many mothers) who exercised together multiple times per week. This helped to expand my support system and gave me an emotional outlet outside of my home. I had a new way to relieve stress and lose weight! And I had even started making friends again. Lucky for me, my husband was also incredibly supportive and took over parental duties so I could attend workout sessions.
It was at these bootcamp sessions that I began talking with mothers about self-care. I learned that several other mothers – even some with grown kids – had been feeling the way I had felt. And we all agreed that nobody warned us. Does this mean that most women in general just accept their lack of self-care or self-identity? I find this to be a perplexing thought.
So, if you’re a mother and you’re feeling this way, please find a way to get back to you. Or, if you know a new mom who could use some support, let her know that it’s totally normal to feel like this. This is a real thing that happens to so many of us, so let’s support one another and reclaim our sense of self!
